You claim to have so much sex, I only assumed you'd be good at it

You come in, check my time. You've got fornication crimes. I've seen your death on television. Cue immortal childlike times. Separation is divine. Here is a strike beneath your knees. And they all want to love the cause. 'Cause they all need to be the cause. They all want to fuck the cause. Time for Musings!

- So a mighty Bend It congratulations is in order for 8yearoldsdude, who was officially licensed as a Deadspin commenter last week. I haven’t managed to get out of him exactly what he did, since I know that dropping my name is next to useless. Anyway, of course he quickly struck with aplomb, dropping a well-placed “Inherit the Wind” joke, and will surely be a more impressive force than myself. And not just because he has a day job, which really helps in terms of timely contribution. He may embody a sporting chicken, but I’m still pushing for him to name himself something Canadian. Cold Beer Store? Now all we need is to get IWasTheWalrus licensed and we’ll be ready to make our mark. What kind of computer access does one get in Lesotho?
- Speaking of Deadspin, I’m trying to be patient with the regime change, but I’m STILL pissed off that Clay Travis used his first day to try to claim something that had run over a year ago as his big splash. That’s a pretty serious misstep. I wonder if his next revelation will be the new catchphrase “You’re With Me, Leather.”
- I’ve been sick of this whole Brett Favre story (huge props to KSK’s Drew Magary for coining the never-ending saga “Favraro” and to Steven A. Smith for calling out the media love affair) the entire time, but I suppose I do want to raise a semantic gripe with … well, pretty much the entire media worldwide. It’s not a “comeback” if you don’t actually miss any games. If you finish one season and then start another, that’s just the fucking offseason.
- Time for a recycled joke! Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones was arrested last week for possession of a buttload of coke. After checking his ID, the arresting officer immediately replied, “Who?”
- In what I’d call a shocking turn of events, the San Jose Sharks re-signed our Bend It Official NHL Player Marcel Goc to a one-year contract. This after he was scratched most of the second half of last season, leading me to hope he’d get traded or sign somewhere else. Well, maybe things will be different under new coach … who is the Sharks’ new coach anyway? (Update: The Sharks coach is now Todd McLellan).
- Well, I’m “happy” to say that it’s my least favorite sports week of the year – the goddamn All-Star Break. No Cubs games until Friday. The All-Star Game itself is OK, I guess. Maybe I’d consider watching a little of the Home Run Derby tonight (I was about to write “tomorrow” since I write most of this on Sunday), except listening to Chris Berman try to call batting practice homers like it’s a walkoff in Game 7 of the World Series with the same home run call – either “Back, back, back, back …” or referencing some suburb of where the game is – is absolutely excruciating. Maybe I’ll throw on a CD and watch some on mute. Nothing Wednesday or Thursday. Normally the All-Star Break is good for encouraging actual human contact, but I do have two big finals due next week and a lot to do this coming weekend.
- Well, there is one very Bend It-specific reason to watch the Home Run Derby tonight. The Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla is in it. And I’m sure that considering he’s been hurt most of the past 2 weeks, that’s exactly what’s best for his ankle – to torque it out swinging extra hard a bunch. And from a baseball standpoint, you have to consider what damage this could do in getting your swing stuck swinging for the fences. Anyway, if you are watching, cheer extra hard for our hero.
- Speaking of, time for the Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! Somebody yell, “Ugg!” UGG! Say “Ugg-la!” UGG-LA! Well, Uggla is back from his injury and starting off about as slowly as one usually does coming off an injury. 3-14 with 1 double, 0 home runs, and 1 RBI. So he has no Ugglaed back to .286 with 25 doubles, 1 triple, 23 homers, 59 RBIs, and 4 stolen bases.
- It officially sucks that the New York Mets’ 9-game-winning streak has put them right back in the playoff hunt. Sure, that’s where they were supposed to be, so for the most part, they’re just playing up to potential. But it totally fucks up my whole “Curse of Rick Astley” theory. Curse you, Yed Ped and your dancing trombone player!
- So I’ve never been to Spain, but during the running of the bulls, does anyone there actually root for the bulls like some people including myself do here? Like wouldn’t it be awesome if people showed up with signs that said, “Go Bulls! Gore People!” or whatever the Castilian equivalent would be? Show up with Bulls jerseys on? “Hook ‘em Horns?”
- Speaking of, I don’t know if anyone outside of 8yearoldsdude will enjoy this, but this was a WGN commercial advertising its Chicago Bulls coverage during one of the Jordan “retirement” years in the early ‘90s. “Pax, BJ, Scottie, and Horace!” Hey, no love for Toni Kukoc? It’s nice when you discover that something that was a running joke then still is funny. Like the Bullets’ “You the Man” song, which I could post every day and very well may have. But this was more in doubt and more obscure.
- Time for Starbucks Chat! So tomorrow Starbucks is coming out with two kinds of banana smoothies. One is chocolate-banana, the other is orange-mango-banana. They’re a mix of milk, juice (the orange-mango one), a whole banana, ice, and whey protein powder. They actually taste pretty good IF you can get a good banana. (Bear in mind that I LOVE bananas and will eat anything with banana in it). If you order one, make sure to pick out your own banana. If you get a non-ripe banana, the whole thing tastes like non-ripe banana. The downside is that I don’t know what the price tag on these things goes. I’m guessing around a Frappuccino price, which is too rich for my blood. But if you have a free drink coupon or something, I suppose it’s worth a shot. Although I do find it interesting that after the supposed “rededication to coffee,” this is a non-coffee beverage. But at least it is a beverage and not books and CDs and shit.
- So apparently, given Hollywood’s propensity for having the same idea at the same time, two Sherlock Holmes movies have been greenlighted for production. More interesting, however, is that one of them will be directed by Guy Ritchie. I learned this the same week I found out he directed this Nike soccer commercial shown overseas. I legitimately didn’t know he still directed stuff. Good for him!
- So back when I saw Juno, I said that Michael Cera really needed to make sure his next role showed some sort of transition from playing George Michael in Arrested Development, Superbad, and Juno. Well, apparently that won’t be the case. Although whoever his co-star is here appears to be hot enough to encourage him to let himself be typecast.
- While out for a walk yesterday, I passed a woman whose shirt read, “Shakespeare Hates Your Emo Poems.” This is officially awesome.
- So while watching my friend’s Freaks and Geeks DVDs, which I’m about halfway through, I almost yelled out when I noticed that Karen from “The Office” (aka Rashida Jones) was on it for one episode. She played a female bully who wrote “Pygmy Geek” on Sam’s locker and put the moves on James Franco’s poorly accented character. Anyway, her character’s name was “Karen.” I wonder whether her character’s name on “The Office” was a reference to that or purely a coincidence. The last one I watched last night had a pre-pubescent Shia LeBoeuf in it as the former mascot with the broken arm. I also watched an episode on Saturday that had a cameo from Jason Schwartzman. I know this may come as a surprise, but I kinda wanted to punch his character in the face.
- Speaking of Freaks and Geeks alumni, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve gotten hooked on the consistently hilarious “How I Met Your Mother,” as you can probably tell from a handful of titles (like today). However, since I’m only seeing it in randomly selected repeat episodes, I haven’t quite pieced things together yet. I did find out how Ted, Lily, and Marshall all know each other (from college). And can see that Ted and Robin apparently dated at some point. But can someone help me out on how they know Barney and how Ted met Robin, if he was the first one to meet her? If there were enough people out there, this would be an Ask the Tourists question.
- I know this question is asked 100 days a day by bad standup comedians, but seriously, why call the pageant “Miss Universe” if all the contestants are from Earth? My best guess is that there was once a Miss World pageant and they were a knockoff competitor, but lasted. Was there ever one? Is there still? Oh, and the obligatory somebody kill me. (That song absolutely holds up).
- So as predicted a while back, they are allegedly working on a sequel to the Sex and the City Movie. Awesome. I can’t wait. I have a feeling the outfits and the delusions of fans won’t have aged any better in a couple years than they have at the celebrations in late May. However, on a serious note, if you are a Sex and the City fan, is this awesome, or does it cheapen the ending of the series and then the ending of the movie? This is why I’ve never wanted movies of my favorite TV. They had written endings on purpose, and redoing those endings seems kinda false to the show. Isn’t it a bit like the Brett Favre situation played out in a bad chick lit context?
- So apparently, in response to Oasis' criticism of Jay-Z's playing the Glastonbury Festival in England a week or two ago, Jay-Zed opened his set with an intentionally bad cover of "Wonderwall." Well, this would be officially awesome except that even "intentionally bad" still sounds better than the original.
- OK, I know this is just plain wrong, but if you put your face right up to the computer screen, you can see the mystery is actually Jessica Simpson’s teeth. But if you’re looking from a normal distance, it certainly looks like it could be … well, you know.
- Speaking of, apparently Pete Wentz is hosting some show on MTV involving videos. (I only know this because there was an ad for it in Rolling Stone). Because apparently, MTV viewers wouldn’t want to watch videos if Pete Wentz were somehow not involved?
- So apparently, VH1, whose stock trade is in former celebrities that most of us forgot existed, is developing a show with Luther Campbell. It appears he’s giving his kids advice? Maybe it will contain the secret as to why I can’t find an MP3 of “Asshole Naked” anywhere on the Internet.
- Speaking of VH1 shows, I bet Hulk Hogan is wishing he hadn’t done a whole cash grab about his family, now that his marriage is semi-kaput (unless that’s a publicity stunt). No one would have cared otherwise and he could have just stuck to hosting American Gladiators. Badly, I might add. Although American Gladiators is a lot funnier if you imagine the subtext of every one of his lines involving frustration over being cuckolded by a 19-year-old.
- Speaking of American Gladiators, I know I’m probably the only one who watches it, but seriously, what the fuck was wrong with just having normal people compete against each other? This time they’ve made each contest some sort of gimmick match like husbands and wives, police partners, really old people vs. really young people, people who’ve lost a shit-ton of weight, etc. It’s not only annoying, but it also usually results in mismatches. Like last week they had this 52-year-old woman competing against a 20-year-old. And sure, it was cool that she was doing it. But she fucking sucked. She was SO slow. I just want to see some goddamn competition in goofy events with hilariously bad trash talk, OK? The only time the gimmick worked was when they somehow came up with two hot cops. Gob would have been proud if they hadn’t been ladies.
- One thing I will give American Gladiators props for is they have one new event called “Sideswipe,” where contenders run across platforms while Gladiators swing on ropes and try to kick them off. It is absolutely the best event they have. Would you not want to watch people get kicked in the face by Gladiators swinging on ropes and falling in the water? Hell yeah! It’s officially awesome.
- So apparently Saturday was the annual Moon Amtrak Day in Laguna Niguel, CA, which is in The OCk. Apparently, once upon a time, the Mugs Away Saloon offered customers free beer if they would moon the Amtrak trains that pass by the bar, and somehow this expanded over the years into taking on a life of its own. Now it is the second Saturday in July every year. This is officially awesome.
- As most know, I will post pretty much any video that involves people dancing (unless it’s from a dancing show). So apparently this hilarious courting ritual took place in Cabo, although the odds that 8yearoldsdude and I might encounter such characters at the Starboard in Dewey Beach (which Scott Van Pelt recently plugged on his national radio show, which is made even more hilarious by his recorded exploits on the Dewey Beach circuit) are pretty significant. This would have been even better if it had been choreographed to Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself.”
- So Durkin’s, the bar outside near my apartment that I don’t meet the attractiveness standard to visit, had a sign up outside yesterday that had the Coors Light logo and said, “$3 You Call It.” I’m guessing it was just poor foresight on their part and that they had some leftover Coors Light promo signs and printed it on those. Because otherwise, I think your calling options are pretty limited.
- Speaking of poor signage, which may well be my legacy after Bend It’s over, this is a hard one to explain without a picture, but about a month and a half ago, a sign went up for a restaurant taking the place of where Calliope Café used to be. (I never went there, but I hear Dr. Torres from Grey’s was a fan). It had a blue background and said “The Parmigian (sic) Italian Food Fine Dining.” “The Parmigian” was on one line, “Italian Food” directly under it, and “Fine Dining” a little bit below. Then below it was a bad picture of some Italian food, I think. To this day, I have no idea what it was called. I jokingly called it “The Parmigian Italian Food,” though that could have really been its name. Anyway, the sign had worse graphic design skills than if I’d made it, and that’s saying a lot. When it opened, about a month ago, I walked by (I pass it on my way to NRS) and then menu at least was very lengthy, although a decent menu does not good Italian food make. But faster than even I would have guessed, when I passed last Friday, it had already closed. Maybe a month tops. I wonder exactly how much of that trainwreck was due to the sign? Seriously, people have to put some thought into what they’re putting out there. As much as I dislike pretension, if your sign makes your restaurant look like the result of a drunken bet, it doesn’t inspire people to give it a chance. I really need to make sure I take a picture of it before it gets taken down since I really can’t do it justice. Like Jem, it’s truly outrageous.
- And finally, speaking of confused advertising signage, a week ago I was driving to a friend’s potluck and passed a store in the Boystown section of Chicago called “Batteries Not Included.” OK, fine. However, an offset part of the awning read, “Home of the Bachelorette Party Store.” Huh? This implies a separate sales venue inside “Batteries Not Included.” Unless that’s the case, I think we may have a “House of Steakhouse” situation on our hands. Although I suppose this would be the place to look for the infamous “wang horns.”

Rap mags try and use my black ass. So advertisers can give 'em more cash for ads, fuckers! I don't know what you take me as. Or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has.