Bend It Like Assclown

Viva los Bio-Dome!

2008-08-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

Good morning, geniuses! Before we unveil our Season Four Soundtrack, anyone in the mood for a really lame joke that I forgot to post Monday? So among my cable listings is apparently some sort of documentary entitled "The Greening of Southie." One can only imagine what this entails:

- Hey Sully! Some fahkin' kwee-ah put ah saw-lah paaaah-nal ahn mah caaah-paaahrt.
- That's fahkin' retaaaaahded.
- Yaaaah! I ahlreddy cahsehhhhrvv ehnahgee. My caaaah runs ahn Dustin Pedroiaaaah's piss.
- He's a wicked pissah.

Yes, how do we like them apples? Anyway, here is our Bend It Season Four Soundtrack. If you're here in Chicago and would like a copy, just ask. If you're not in Chicago and would like a copy, enjoy the comparatively low gas prices and lack of made-up city taxes, and just ask. If you'd still like a copy of the Season 3, Season 2, or Season 1 Soundtracks, they're all still available and awesome. We may not have the best blog in the world, but we do have the best music.

Bend It Like Assclown Season Four Soundtrack

1) "Let's Talk" -- Hot Karl & MC Serch
2) "A Shogun Named Marcus" -- Clutch
3) "7/4 (Shoreline)" -- Broken Social Scene
4) "Gremmie Out of Control" -- Pearl Jam
5) "TV Party" -- Black Flag
6) "Paper Planes" -- M.I.A.
7) "Bad Reputation" -- Joan Jett
8) "Keep Your Girlfriend Away From Me" -- Local H
9) "Mario Twins" -- Group X
10) "Miami" -- Against Me!
11) "Soldierfied" -- Lifesavas
12) "Suckerpunch" -- The Wildhearts
13) "She Wants to Move (Remix)" -- N.E.R.D. ft. Common, Mos Def, Q-Tip, & De La Soul
14) "Bang the Drum" -- Railroad Jerk
15) "Hockey Monkey" -- The Zambonis
16) "8 Ball" -- N.W.A.
17) "Sugar" -- System of a Down
18) "Now They'll Sleep" -- Belly
19) "I Luv You" -- Dizzee Rascal
20) "Chelsea Dagger" -- The Fratellis
21) "Sellout" -- Emmet Swimming
22) "I'll Believe in Anything" -- Wolf Parade
23) "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" -- Tracy Morgan

Some notes on this year's Soundtrack. The Bend It Veterans Committee took its first action this year and elected "Mario Twins," a Season 1 song that IWasTheWalrus has spent the last three years lobbying for. Trust me, you won't forget it. Good on ya, old dudes! The song that most got screwed? Well, I was going over my CD lineup yesterday while swimming laps and realized I had mysteriously forgotten The New Pornographers' "Mass Romantic," which was actually one of the first songs I wrote down for the playlist. My reaction upon realizing this was, "Bloooo bluuuup, blooooooooooop! BLOOOOP!" which, when not underwater, generally means, "Filth flarn! Motherfucker! Dick, pussy, snot, and shit!" (TM Eddie Murphy). Unfortunately, I really didn't feel like rearranging the CD, so if you're playing along at home, you can find a copy of that song pretty easily. The last song that made it on was "Sugar," so you can substitute it or put it in there directly after it. The other song that got screwed, but on purpose, was Saul Williams' "Reparations (List of Demands)." Those Nike commercials certainly got enough run here on Bend It to warrant its inclusion, not to mention the song inspired IWasTheWalrus' student teaching unit on slam poetry. Unfortunately, the back half of that song, which largely consists of, "Waaaah, waaaah, waaaah, wup!" is fantastically annoying to the point that I don't want it on my CD. If you'd be down with 60 seconds of crying baby on your CD, you're a stronger man or woman than I. You were also spared some Panic At the Disco by the fact that the last 30 seconds of Track 7, the song I wanted to use, are the first 30 seconds of the song that is Track 8, and I don't know how to fix that without more advanced audio technology. One final note that would have tied the room together, I was also all set to link Beavis and Butthead's official take on Clutch's "A Shogun Named Marcus," but unfortunately Viacom got to it before I could. Assholes.

If you (and by "you" I mean "I") feel compelled to take a stroll through this rhapsody in pink, I'm leaving up both sets of archives -- both our present address as well as our previous home.

As I said a month ago, I'd like to give a huge thank you to anyone that has read Bend It for four years, three years, two years, one year, a month, a week, or even a day. I appreciate it more than I can express. I will continue to be huge fans of all of you as human beings and support you at every turn. If and when we rise again, you'll be the first to know.

I'M FINISHED!!!!!!!!!

Houndabunga!

2008-08-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

So I'm almost finished with the Season 4 Soundtrack. I think. Unfortunately, unlike my old PC CD burning program, iTunes doesn't go into minutes and seconds with its playlists. That I know of. If it's a toss-up, bet on my being wrong.

Anyway, I regretfully did not have my camera on me yesterday when I met a seven-week-old golden retriever puppy. It doesn't get much cuter than that. Speaking of, Zekers just told me that she's been leaving carrots on Baby Zekers' chair to try to form a positive connection in Zeke the bunny's mind. Apparently it worked since she said Zeke bunny-nosed him while he was on the floor yesterday. Hooray!

Anyway, a few months ago I took a handful of photos of Sherlock the hound, but had forgotten how to shrink the JPEGs to a manageable file size so they'd post here more easily. As promised last Friday, I managed to get this sorted out, so here you go:

We only got four minutes to kiss my a**

2008-08-25T11:47:00.004-05:00

The kombucha mushroom people sitting around all day. WHO can believe you? WHO can believe you? Let your mother pray … SUGAR! Time for Musings!

- Anyone else always wonder what the words to that song were? Guess I owe it to y’all to provide some sort of public service today. No, I’m not entirely sure why we’re still here either. It’s pretty obvious I used my last bullet last Wednesday. Hey, let’s make the most of it. Maybe this can constitute some sort of “independent spirit.”
- So I managed to survive another ascent into anciency, or at least 1/365 of it. Taking bets on where I was? Who kind of odds would you have gotten on a White Sox game? Yes, JoshuaTrees and I were at Comiskey yesterday. Aside from a date with Kristen Bell, what’s better than a birthday ballgame, regardless of who’s playing? Perfect weather, and a very competitive game. Amazingly enough, at my fifth baseball game in 10 days, I managed to see the team I was rooting for lose all five times. I was secretly pulling for America’s Team, the Tampa Bay Not Devil Rays. Tampa got royally screwed by the umps in the 10th when the umpires called some sort of base path interference during a rundown that would have taken out the lead runner. Instead, the White Sox wound up with 1st and 3rd with one out. The White Sox also benefited from an automatic double-causing hop costing Tampa a run in the 9th and Tampa’s catcher’s inability to catch the ball on a play at the plate that would have ended the game. But Tampa had 3 unearned runs, so I guess it evens out on the bounces. Anyway, no real complaints out of me. There are a lot worse ways to spend a day. Like pretty much all of them. Then my friend and her husband hijacked me to go out while I was trying to make dinner.
- So let me think if I have any quintessential Comiskey stories. Well, yesterday it was apparently high school cheerleaders’ day since there were a ton of cheerleading squads there. Although I wonder if it was part of a recruitment process since I was like, “All these girls look like freshmen.” Then again, that bodes very well for my future career. Very disappointed that what with all those cheerleaders there, no one did any cheers. I think one group did “Let’s go White Sox,” but seriously, it’s your job to know cheers and perform them. Sure, they’re not all, “Brrrr, it’s cold in here,” but how about an effort? Our summer league swim coach used to make us do cheers at minor league baseball games and we weren’t cheerleaders, just goofy kids. I guess the only thing Comiskey about that is that group sales pretty much don’t exist at Wrigley given the way tickets are bought up by scalpers, so advantage White Sox on that one.
- OK, so I was sitting behind a woman with a tramp stamp. That’s not quintessentially Comiskey at all what with all the douchebags and sorority skanks pretending to pay attention at Wrigley. However, said woman not only looked like a dude, but was wearing a GWAR t-shirt. Oh, and I also saw a woman with a mullet (different woman).
- I did get to see/hear two of my favorite sources of Comiskey comedy, both which have been mentioned here previously. The song that goes, “R-O-W-D-I-E! That’s the way we spell “rowdy.” Actually, “rowdie” might be a noun, someone who is perpetually rowdy, perhaps for a living. I’ll have to look that up. So after all these years, the error may not be in spelling, but in the part of speech. And the scoreboard graphic that reads, “ROCK’ME! SOCK’ME!” I will likely go to my grave, which is one year closer, wondering about those apostrophes. Seriously, that should be someone’s dissertation.
- Our greatest source of comedy, however, is kinda difficult to describe in print, but does involve one of my favorite sources of comedy gold. When the Rays decided to intentionally walk JI …. JIM THOME to load the bases in the bottom of the 10th, this dude stood up and starting giving said decision the finger in pretty much every way he knew how. First just the finger. Then he did the thing where you put one arm sideways with the other arm under it with forearm extended and punctuated that gesture, which already means the same thing as the finger, by giving the finger with the top hand. But then for the coup de gras, he employed a move I’ve only seen used by Stone Cold Steve Austin, dojo master of giving the finger. Alternating arms giving the finger. I’ve looked for video of this because it’s really hard to explain. But it was hilarious when Stone Cold did it and mega-hilarious when this guy did it. I asked JoshuaTrees why exactly this was so funny, and he said, “I think it’s the disconnect between the message being sent and the grandiosity of this gesture,” and he then started wildly waving his arms like a monkey and I just lost it. I’m sorry that the hilariousness isn’t quite coming across, but it was just that funny.
- So I almost had a mini-meltdown last Monday at Jewel. I was admittedly profoundly homesick after my trip, exacerbated by anxiety over the impending school year of classes and practicum (it’s like student teacher for psychologists). I had already lamented the lack of Yuengling beer, California Tortilla, and 5 Guys earlier in the day. In the last week, I’ve been trying to sooth myself by listening to enough Jimmie’s Chicken Shack and Northeast Groovers to … wake the corpses of both bands? Anyway, I had resolved to make tilapia with Old Bay for dinner. For those unaware, Old Bay is a mix of spices that is served on crabs and shrimp in the mid-Atlantic and is actually sold around the country, made by McCormick. Put Old Bay on your cheap fish and it tastes awesome. However, I spent seriously close to 15 minutes staring at the spice aisle trying to figure exactly where the Old Bay was hiding. Right after I texted Diesel, “They don’t have Old Bay here? I’m moving back! Fuck this city! In the ass!” (I think that may have been the actual content), it occurred to me that maybe it could be over by the seafood. Even though the steak rubs at Jewel are in the spice aisle. That’s precisely where it was, and it was that alone that kept me living in Chicago. For now.
- My last Starbucks shift is this Saturday. Yeah, I was dead serious about having to cut back everything to make room for 12 credits and a full practicum. It increasingly wasn’t just 8 hours on a Saturday morning. Fridays got configured around it, and then I’d increasingly feel like shit the rest of the day Saturday. If I took a nap, I’d have headaches and be groggy the rest of the day, so I’d started moving the homework I did Saturdays out to days of the week, which I can’t do now. It was probably time anyway, since I was really starting to resent it and it was getting in the way of having any semblance of a life, though knowing me, I’ll find a way out of that anyway, or knowing school, they’ll find a way for me. Anyway, does anyone know of some underground ways to get free coffee, because honestly at this point, that’s what I’ll miss most.
- So I actually swam laps for the first time in 7 ½ years last week. No, I wasn’t motivated by Michael Phelps. My gym is remodeling its cardio room and it was either that or go to another gym for a week (which I actually did Saturday since I know there’s lots of kids in the pool on weekends). I was really horrible, but it could have been a lot worse. Ironically, the easiest stroke for someone out of practice is backstroke, my worst stroke. Anyway, I suppose sometimes necessity can force some positives where they weren’t expected, since I really did need to start swimming again, at least a little. If I were one of those people, I’d use this as a parallel to how overwhelmingly shitty my school schedule looks. But I’ll just stick with the fact that I sucked less the second day than the first.
- Ever hear a piece of information and it just seems to be the missing piece of the puzzle and suddenly everything makes sense? That was how I felt when I read that Katy Perry, who sings that atrocious song about kissing girls to get guys’ attention, which is apparently outstandingly popular, which I suppose I can understand given the amount of people that enjoy making out for girls for male attention or being male and attending to girls making out for their amusement, is the girlfriend of the guy from Gym Class Heroes.
- Speaking of, Gym Class Heroes are apparently touring with The Roots. This makes me upset on many levels.
- In some reverse celebrity couples news, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams have apparently gotten back together. This makes me way more excited that I rationally should be. And I’ve never even seen the damn Notebook. (I also didn’t recognize her in a trailer for a shitty-looking movie and said, “Who’s that ridiculously attractive woman?” It was she).
- I’m actually sad that the Olympics are over. Mostly because despite the overwrought balcony-diving (preferably synchronized) about China winning more gold medals than the US, and the insomnia cure that was the USA Basketball collective media reacharound (which still pales in comparison to the one AJ Daulerio gave ESPN last week), that two week break in the Brett Favre “news” cycle was one of the best gifts I could dream of.
- I know my anti-pro basketball bias is showing, but “Redeem Team?” Redeeming what? Themselves? The country? How exactly? They won an international basketball tournament. Let’s leave it at that and then no one sounds stupid.
- If you haven’t gotten to see the frame-by-frame breakdown of Michael Phelps and Milorad Cavic’s finish in the 100 butterfly, but all means check it out.
- The first rule of Alicia Sacramone Fight Club? Do not talk about Alicia Sacramone Fight Club!
- Speaking of, for the love of God, when will we get video of that Cuban taekwondo dude kicking the judge in the face? That is no way this won’t be entertaining. Made even better by the fact that the guy apparently did get screwed.
- So apparently there were some US rowers who were twins with the last name Winklevoss. That is pretty much guaranteed to be funny every time. (Apparently, 8yearoldsdude beat them in rowing, which is also hilarious). I almost feel bad for them in that without ever meeting them, you’re pretty much inclined to assume they’re douchebags. Although allegedly they are, so I don’t feel so bad.
- Speaking of assumptions of douchebaggery, time for Senor Beavis’ Fashion Corner Part One! Pants with embroidered animals on them. 8yearoldsdude and I were joking about this phenomenon on our trip, and then about 10 days ago, while at the Nationals game, he started gesturing wildly from a couple rows away where he was sitting at some dude wearing pink pants with embroidered swordfish. (Had I not already seen the guy, I wouldn’t have known what he was pointing out. My actual response was, “Sure, she’s cute, but I don’t know if she’s worth that level of pointing out”). Yesterday, while on the L, I saw a guy wearing orange shorts with embroidered crabs and lobsters on them. Apparently, during his retail days at Orvis, pants with all sorts of embroidered animals were all the rage. Given that it is categorically impossible to take anyone seriously when they have embroidered animals on their pants, it begs the question as to what exactly are you communicating with such a fashion choice? Mostly you’re screaming to the world that you’re rich. Embroidering is not cheap. Ever look at the difference between sweatshirts with something embroidered versus sweatshirts merely painted on? And that’s a shitload of embroidering on those pants. More clearly, you’re communicating that you’re an ostentatious jerk with no fashion sense. DOWNGRADE!!!!!!!!!
- So a year or so ago when I was writing my parody of MySpace, I was pretty sure I was joking. Apparently, at least one person, and a drunk driver at that, seems to have followed my template to the letter. This is legitimately terrifying that someone can conceive seriously the same thing I can as a joke.
- Another leftover item from my trip, apparently they make Hannah Montana life vests. There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- So apparently, former one-hit wonder rap artist and current VH1 gravy trainer Da Brat (and that one “hit” absolutely sucked, by the way. And yes, I do judge my one-hit wonders on quality) was apparently convicted of felony aggravated assault for cutting some chick with the broken end of a rum bottle. OK, that’s kinda funny, but not worthy of showing up here. The story about this described the woman she cut as a “waitress/nemesis.” How fantastic is that? Exactly what does one have to do as a waitress to cross a pretty significant chasm into nemesis territory? If I had given someone decaf every week for a year, could have I classified myself as a "barista/nemesis?" Probably only if they knew about it.
- I was reading an old New Yorker article about hangovers last week and it referred to the Jagermeister-Red Bull concoction as a "Jag Bomb." There is nothing I could say here that wouldn't detract from this.
- Anyone want to enter a TV Death Pool to bet no money on what TV shows will be cancelled in the coming year? Why not? It looks like fun. And yes, I’m betting highly on any show starring that Juliette Lewis-looking chick from Grey’s Anatomy.
- Time for a Bend It Movie Review! So the other night, I went to go see Hamlet 2, which I had been looking forward to all summer. I’ll give credit for a great premise. In a semi-sendup of inspirational teacher movies, a washout actor turned drama teacher stages a musical sequel to Hamlet. And co-starring Elisabeth Shue. How could that not be funny? How about one of the most god-awful scripts of all time? When I see comedies, I want clever lines. Left field stuff. Jokes I either did not see coming or would not have thought of in a million years. There wasn’t a single joke in the script that wasn’t telegraphed, obvious, and cheap. It was Private Practice-level bad writing. Not to mention not showing nearly enough of the actual show itself. Anyway, by all means don’t see it. Elisabeth Shue does look outstandingly hot, as usual, by the way. (While having dinner with 8yearoldsdude while he was in college, I mentioned that between “The Karate Kid” and “Adventures in Babysitting,” Elisabeth Shue helped me grow up. 8yearoldsdude said he didn’t think he needed to know that).
- The US Open tennis is starting today and making his debut is Australian player Carsten Bell. It goes without saying that we wholeheartedly support his achievements.
- Time for Senor Beavis’ Fashion Corner Part Deux! So about a month ago, right at the beginning of my vacation, I was walking to Wrigley to (unsuccessfully) try to get in and found myself behind a woman wearing long white shorts with a pretty serious badonkadonk. (I wanted to see if I could use that in a sentence with a straight face. I can’t). This was concurrent with my research for this post, so my immediate thought was, “Too much booty in the pants!” Anyway, in the waist of the shorts, there was a small V-shaped notch cut out. On purpose. They were made this way. Anyway, I naturally found myself wondering exactly the rationale for said notch. I can’t give it a review positive or negative, I’m just curious. I considered that it could be like a small arrow pointing down encouraging me to look at her ass. In this case, I was going to do that anyway, so I didn’t need street signs. (“Well, Kurt. I was thinking about … asses.”).Then I thought that maybe it’s there to relieve pressure in the waist while still holding some sort of style. I mean I’m obviously talking about it. That might be understated genius. Given that I’m old and fat, maybe I should take some scissors to some of my old pants. Anyway, if anyone knows or has any idea about this, by all means let us know.
- And finally, and I apologize for this one since I really wanted to end with something intelligent, this is actual play-by-play from the US-China women’s volleyball match a couple weeks ago: “Logan Tom demanding it in the pipe. And she is STUFFED!” There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.

Luke’s a sellout now. Tamer’s a sellout now. Erik’s saying, “Like, wow. This is so goddamn easy.”

Gratuitous pictures of Kristen Bell

2008-08-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

So I actually started off working on something explaining the whole use of Kristen Bell as a blog construction representing essentially every woman in the world, therefore preventing myself from writing about my personal life. Simultaneously representing hopes and dreams and also failure and seeming unattainability. Kristen Bell as a kind of romanti-sexual Tom Joad. Except since I'm in on the joke, also mocking my own hopelessness. And then I realized how much it sucked. The worst kind of self-indulgent crap. So my gift to you is not having to read it. Especially the part that equates KB's slipping away into Hollywoodness to watching the world get married. Man, and I said I wouldn't write anything overly introspective or flowery during our last couple weeks. Hey, still good on the flowery.

Let's give our muse a proper sendoff!

Hmm, looks like she and I had the same idea to go swimming the past week. Wait, that's probably not a swimsuit. It's probably some sort of nighttime attire. Maybe? I don't get out much.

Holy shit! An actual good use of bangs. Happens about once a year in the entire world. There should be some sort of monument erected. Good color on the dress as well. I can't decide if that's a loose thread on the dress or whether we're borderline inappropriate here. Let's go with the former for safety's sake.

OK, so that's not me. Man, I really need to learn Photoshop. Especially since that dude has a much better body than I do.

Lion face -- RAAAHR! Lemon face -- OOOOH! (No, I don't get tired of using that as a joke).

Hmm, that's an ... um, interesting dress. Intentionally looking like an amateur seamstress put it together? Yet it works here. Great color.

We could not agree more.

This is not my birthday present. But really should be. I've actually been a pretty good person the last year. My karma should be starting to add up.

Can't do better than that. Leave 'em smiling.

Sale of the century

2008-08-22T10:44:00.000-05:00

All must go! (Where's my wallet?).

If you've never had a week to go on your blog, you may never have had to face the question, "What do I do with the random kinda-funny (to me) pictures I've taken around the city in the last week?" The answer is to throw them all here.

As if I needed another reason this week to want to move. The top of this sign, at one Houndstooth Saloon in Wrigleyville, actually says, "Gameday Specials." Excuse me while I am dumbstruck by their generosity. I considered going in and asking what their prices for shitty beer are regularly, but it's not really a good time in my life for me to get my ass kicked. Seriously, I wouldn't pay $5 for a Bud Light ever. And I know that was implicit in my statement above. The hammer is my penis.

Leibniz invented cookies, you fucker!

Grab ... a brand new car!!!!!

Have a great weekend, and get your CD players ready for the Season 4 Soundtrack next week. And if you're sending me a celebratory case of Yuengling, if you address it to The Senor Beavis Palace, they'll know where to take it.

I like chicken, I like liver ...

2008-08-22T10:21:00.000-05:00

Last year while I was on vacation, I was honored to make the acquaintance of one Cocoa the cat. He belonged to the family next door to where we were staying and became quite friendly. This year, I was very excited to find he was still there and we were able to rekindle our friendship, which meant either A) he remembered me from a year ago, or B) he's an attention whore. I know which one I'm liable to believe, but still. Anyway, Cocoa would wander over in front of the house where we were staying and start meowing for me to play with him. Big talker, that Cocoa. Anyway, armed with an actual camera this year, these are a few of the shots I managed to get.

When we left last Friday, guess who was waiting at the edge of the driveway to see us off?

Those better versed in Lolcat than myself feel free to send in some captions. For those dog people among us, the rejoinder is coming next week. I'd like to think that Kristen Bell would enjoy both.

Looks 3, Dance 10

2008-08-20T11:41:00.003-05:00

So leafing through the Washington Post last week, whose Olympic coverage is at least four times that of the Chicago Tribune, it was impressed on me that there was a vast international scandal concerning China’s use of performance enhancers. But not in the sports themselves, mind you (that we know of), but rather the Opening Ceremonies. As the story unfolded, it was reported that China committed not one, not two, but three egregious violations in the production of its Opening Ceremonies two weeks ago. Oh my God, those evil Chinese! How could they possibly do that to the Opening Ceremonies? Our Opening Ceremonies. That which somehow belongs to us and every other person worldwide.

The initial scandal came when it was discovered that the little girl who “sang” some song about China in the stadium was not only lip-synching, but wasn’t the girl who actually sang it. The singer was replaced at the last minute by high-ranking officials because she wasn’t “cute” enough and didn’t have straight teeth. To once again quote Margaret Cho, “So …?”

Yes, I’ll be the first to say that’s a crappy thing to do. To both girls, in fact. One is being told that her looks, or lack thereof, are more important to her country and a worldwide audience than her singing ability. The other is being told that her looks are the only thing that is of any value and are going to carry her through life regardless of what she may want to achieve on her own. That sucks and I hope the Chinese government can underwrite some therapy in 20 years. But an international scandal? No, it just sucks. An injustice took place in the world because of physical attractiveness. Which happens more often per minute in the world than a baby being born. Is it an international scandal when JoshuaTrees and I go to a bar and all the women want to talk to him instead of me?

OK, I can explain this better. Monday I described the Opening Ceremonies as “a silly little pageant” combining elements of a circus and a parade. So at its essence, whether it's community theatre or broadcast around the world, it’s a show. And directors make decisions about their show for what they think is going to provide maximum entertainment value for their audience. They’re called “artistic choices.” So implicit in this decision is a judgment about you the audience, what they thought you wanted to see. “Oh my lord, did you see that adorable little Chinese girl singing that song? It made my heart melt.” The director made a choice and thought that a cuter girl lip-synching a song sung (blue) by another girl would be a better artistic choice than the actual singer singing the song.

What’s outstanding about this story is that if you read the stories about it, you would think that such a phenomenon would apparently only happen in China. How would Martha Wash feel about that idea? Back in the late ‘80s, Robert Cevilles and David Cole, two music producers, thought that they could sell their Music Factory, a collective of dance musicians under their production, better by having a woman named Zelma Davis lip-synch the words sung by Martha Wash, a much larger and more talented singer. Same thing with Milli Vanilli (with suicidal consequences for one of the lip-synchers) in Europe, which may have been even funnier because the guys singing on that were really old. Did people buy C+C Music Factory and Milli Vanilli records purely because of the songs themselves or in part because the singers apparently looked like Zelma Davis, Rob Pilatus, and Fab Morvan? Yeah, it sucks. But there’s a reason that Adam Sandler didn’t get cast for Brad Pitt’s role in “Thelma and Louise.” The director thought the audience would rather see Thelma (or Louise) bang a hot dude with no lines instead of a goofy-looking dude with no lines. There’s a reason why stories like “Hairspray” are written. Because it is a fantasy that the larger girl would get to be on “American Bandstand” or whatever with the hot guy instead of Jessica Alba or whoever. If the director had a choice of putting Brad Pitt or me in the opening ceremonies, whom do you think they’d choose? Unless you’ve been brainwashed by the Ocean’s 11 movies, I’m probably funnier than Brad Pitt. But why have me up there telling jokes when you can have Brad Pitt up there telling jokes that I wrote. In politics, is the President the one with the ideas? No, he’s just the mouthpiece for the speechwriters and advisors, chosen because a decision was made that he or she would be the best delivery vessel for the messages. Yes, we are a looks-based society. Some of that, as I mentioned the other day, is biological and we can’t help it. Some of it we can. But when it comes time for an “artistic choice,” whether it’s China, the US, England, Argentina, Australia, or Guam, the director is going to pick who he or she assumes would draw a better response from the audience. That’s not a scandal; that’s art. Or life.

The next scandalous story to come out was that apparently the children wearing the traditional clothes of all the ethnic groups in China were not actually from those ethnic groups and rather mostly from the majority ethnic group. Once again, to quote Margaret Cho, “So …?” Oh my God, they were actors? Of course they were actors! Do you think that normal children from all the ethnic groups would be able to withstand nonstop rehearsals for months? (Remember, child actors scare me). No, they’d want to do stuff like normal children and the director would be like, “Fuck this! Get me some actors and put them in the clothes!” Maybe that’s what did happen, but more likely, they decided, as most shows do, that they’d rather start production with actual actors than laypeople so they can get this done quicker. Who’s going to take more coaching to play the lead in “Half Nelson” – Ryan Gosling or IWasTheWalrus? (For the record, Walrus, I’ve seen you smoke crack and think you would have been fantastic). Since when did authenticity become so important in production? I’m gonna let people in on a secret. That wasn’t actually Johnny Cash in that movie. It was Joaquin Phoenix. Is it scandalous that members of the majority ethnic group were playing members of other ethnic groups? White actors play Hispanics regularly. Hispanics and Eastern Europeans play Middle Easterners. Believe it or not, this might be one of the central jokes in “Tropic Thunder.” As far as I can tell, the aim of this particular set piece was to display the costumes. Were those authentic? Mission accomplished.

Finally, it was brought up that some of the fireworks were digitally created for TV. To quote Margaret Cho one last time, “So …?” This is largely a made-for-TV event, a ratings bonanza. So how precisely is the idea of adding a flourish for TV controversial? People at the Water Cube couldn’t see the green world record line because it was a TV effect. And a damn good one. More importantly, how the hell do television fireworks get pinned on China? We’ve already established that American television dollars reconfigured the timing of several Olympic events. Who’s to say NBC didn’t ask for a few fake fireworks as part of the deal? And if it was an independent effect, a few fake fireworks didn’t change the lives of the actual competitors at all like NBC did. They were an artistic decision based on what people thought the audience would want to see.

So why were these three stories, and I did them in chronological order of how they came out, but also in terms of how much heat they received, presented as worldwide scandal? Well, I can think of two reasons. (The third reason is that reporters covering the Olympics are really bored, tired, and hungry, which the Washington Post did an excellent job of describing). The first is xenophobia. If China does the exact same thing that goes on every day in show business around the world, it’s evil because they’re a Communist country. It’s OK if a few less attractive people get screwed over in the United States, but if it happens in China, it’s obviously a symbol of totalitarian horror. It’s OK to have a fuck-ton of pollution here in the United States, but if, god forbid, they have smog in another part of the world, then they’re clearly disrespecting the environment and endangering the lives of the Olympians. It’s OK if the US government fucks over victims of Hurricane Katrina and waterboards prisoners, but if China treats some of its citizens poorly then it has a “lengthy record of human rights violations” and is unfit to host the Olympics.

Secondly, it all comes down to a matter of perspective, which comes full circle to my gripe with the Opening Ceremonies in the first place. I probably sound like I’m on the Chinese Government’s payroll, but I’m not in any way condoning screwing that singer or a few ethnic minority children out of roles in the Olympics at all. It’s just a matter of context. If you see the Opening Ceremonies for what they are, a show, then you realize that a few artistic choices, fair or unfair, right or wrong, are endemic to every show. If you see the Olympics for what they are, sports entertainment, then you can enjoy watching the best athletes in the world compete against each other. It’s when you try to project a greater meaning onto them that you create problems. If you want the Olympics to cause world peace or provide a statement on the universal condition, then you might want to try out for a walk-on part in “Pollyanna.” That is if you’re cute enough. There may have been a time when the Olympics did mean more than they do now. Blame technology, blame NBC, blame Coca-Cola, blame McDonalds, but Jesse Owens, John Carlos, and Tommie Smith aren’t walking through that door. If you just consider your TV experience as tickets to the show, then all this alleged “controversy” just seems like a bunch of self-important bullshit and boils down to the one relevant question – Are you not entertained?

You'd better not leave your girlfriends around me, because I'm out to prove a point

2008-08-18T15:56:00.001-05:00

Inside's fish sticks, outside's tartar sauce. Pocket full of celery imagine what she telling me. Blowing on asparagus, the realest shit I ever smoked. Ridin' to that trap or die, the realest shit I ever wrote. They know I got that broccoli, so I keep that glock with me. Don't get caught without one comin’ from where I'm from. Time for Musings!

- If you weren’t lucky, it would have been entirely possible that I might have written multiple pages about the awesomeness of Brazilian swimmer Cesar Cielo Filho. I cannot possibly explain the sheer enjoyment 8yearoldsdude and I get from saying his name. I can’t decide if the fact that he’s actually an Olympic champion in the 50 and bronze medalist in the 100 free makes it more or less awesome. Trust us, Cesar. We were with you back when you were just an unadorned Brazilian with an awesome name. Seriously, when I start a new blog, I’m totally coming back as “Cesar Cielo Filho.”
- Yes, I know that two weeks ago, I proclaimed I didn’t really care about the Olympics. And honestly, I still don’t really. Yet I’m writing about it anyway since nothing funny happened to me on my trip and this is what’s going on right now. Then again, “don’t really care” in Olympic terminology means that my sun doesn’t rise and set with the Olympics and I don’t see them as anything beyond athletic competition, which is what they really are. And if you can try to ignore all the steroids and corporate machismo, is decently pleasant diversionary entertainment. As 8yearoldsdude so aptly put it, you get to watch sports for two weeks. Or if you’re me, there’s an alternative when your baseball team is walking the bases loaded and there’s even stuff on in the morning.
- So here’s my hypocritical oath of the day. I’ve been quite a fan of the larger number of live events this Olympics, since if I already know who won, there’s no drama without uncertainty. Many viewers apparently agree with me since the ratings are way up. So how did this come about? Not because China’s time zones synch up perfectly with ours. No, it’s because NBC somehow strong-armed the Olympics into rearranging their event schedules so events would be live during primetime in the US. (See: “corporate machismo” from previous item). Would the Olympics cave for the BBC? Of course not. Think if CCTV had asked the US to reschedule their events in Atlanta that they wouldn’t have been told to go fuck themselves? Next time someone’s bitching about human rights violations, they might want to consider the tremendous act of diplomacy. And by “act of diplomacy,” I mean they were probably paid a shitload of money. This is the Olympics we’re talking about after all. And if that’s not on your radar, may your common sense be beheaded by one of Juan Antonio Samaranch’s swords that he collected from Olympic bidders. I’ll keep saying it. Enjoy it as much as you want; just keep it in perspective.
- So what events do I like to watch? Well, as a former swimmer, I legitimately do enjoy the swimming. I actually did make a point of trying to watch Michael Phelps (this is made much easier when you’re on vacation with people glued to Olympic coverage). I don’t have a flowery statement to make about him; I’m most impressed by how he waxed everyone in the IMs and how much he’s improved his breaststroke. I enjoyed the prelims and semifinals in swimming and even enjoyed (gasp) watching non-Americans. Even ones not named Cesar Cielo Filho. I like traditional volleyball a lot too. Everyone jumping up like they’re all going to hit it. (8yearoldsdude, I’m running the volleyball quote next week). While the two-man or two-woman beach volleyball is getting all the coverage, it’s 100 times less entertaining. By the way, whoever eliminated the side-out rule to speed matches up can eat me. I enjoy the Olympic soccer and wish more of it were on. I could not possibly care less about Olympic basketball. I can see that plenty. I do not lose sleep over the US not having won the last couple international basketball competitions. (We’ll get into this a little more in an upcoming item). Olympic tennis? Why? Clearly the Williams sisters agreed with me. I’m very ambivalent about track. I like the competition, but remain convinced that everyone’s on the ‘roids. Gymnastics? Well, like I said about figure skating, I appreciate them as athletes, but have a hard time respecting something so largely subjective as a legitimate competitive sport.
- Speaking of gymnastics, it’s time to do something about the non-tumbling parts of the “floor exercise?” Watching the tumbling runs is impressive. I can’t do that. And I can take the posing/bowing after the tumbling because after all that flipping, you probably need a moment to collect yourself. But in between, they randomly prance and then do Madonna’s “Vogue.” Sorry, ladies. I can do that. I’m not impressed. It’s absolutely ridiculous looking, though I’m guessing high comedy is not really on the agenda in any Olympic event. Props to the men’s gymnastics for less of that shit. And a posthumous thumbs-down to the movie “Stick It” for not addressing this.
- Of course it would be the hot gymnast who “messed up” the US Women’s Gymnastics team’s gold medal hopes by falling off the balance beam. Sure, the video of this is pretty hilarious, but you have to feel for Alicia Sacramone. Can you imagine what it must be like to have to compete internationally in women’s gymnastics with an actual woman’s body? It’s like if Usain Bolt wore lead shoes. She tried jumping on the balance beam and the earth decided to exert its gravitational pull on her boobs since it actually could. No wonder you only see either prepubescent girls or those who have managed to stunt their growth by not eating compete in gymnastics. Same reason I’m not on the US Men’s Basketball team. If they’d held tryouts when we were 5, I may have been the same height as LeBron James. And by the way, Bela Karolyi needs to shut the fuck up about the Chinese gymnasts. If 14-year-olds are the best gymnasts in the world – and they are, like I’ve just said – then so be it. (By the way, Bob Costas just said that Alicia Sacramone is second only to Michael Phelps in web hits on NBC.com. This surprises me not at all).
- So if you were to do the wild thing with Nastia Luikin, not that I’d recommend this, since she’s probably like 16, could you say you were “doing the Nasti?”
- The one thing you couldn’t pay me to watch, though, is the Opening Ceremonies. Yet my entire extended family was glued to it and my cousin called his dad to Tivo it since he missed parts during dinner. I’ll be interested in 8yearoldsdude’s counterpoint here, since I’d probably rather watch an American Idol marathon. At its core, it’s a circus, yet without the awesome animals, which is what I’d want to see at a circus. Except it’s creepy like Cirque de Soleil. So it’s basically a glorified talent show. Then you add about 3 hours of athlete processions, so now it’s a parade. Except without the only interesting part of a parade, which are the floats. 8yearoldsdude says the athlete processional is hilarious because Bob Costas is taking a huge payoff to say jingoistic things about the other countries like, “This country pollutes the environment,” or “This country treats their women really shitty.” And I doubt dispute that this is likely hilarious, but I’m not sure the comedic payoff is worth having to actually sit through it. Unless a drinking game was involved. So we have the worst parts of a circus and a parade; what could possibly make this worse? Oh yeah, more self-importance than you thought was possible. (If you want, you’re going to hear more about this Wednesday). If you take it for what it is, which is a silly little pageant, then fine. I still won’t watch it, but at least our geoducks are in a row. But a five-hour “cultural statement” celebrating “world unity?” Give me a fucking break. It’s a bunch of bullshit taking up space where actual athletic competition could be. If a bunch of creepy-ass clowns came in and danced around before my swim meets in college, I would have been on the fast track to school newspaper editor.
- OK, I suppose the Opening Ceremonies do have a tag-team partner in terms of taking the Olympics way too seriously. That would be the collective journalistic hari-kiri concerning China’s winning more gold medals than the United States. I think Margaret Cho said it best when she said, “So…?” China has 3 billion people. You think if there’s a government initiative to find and produce Olympic champions that you couldn’t find an Olympic champion rower/swimmer/fencer/fellator out of 3 billion people? If Chinese athletes win a bunch of gold medals, good for them. They probably trained their asses off just like the US athletes and the other country’s athletes. Does this make the US less of a country? I can’t possibly see how. Did it ruin my day that Tyson [Homosexual] didn’t qualify for the finals of the 100-mete dash or that Katie Hoff and Kate Ziegler didn’t qualify for the finals in the 800 freestyle? Of course not. And that doesn’t mean the country is doomed. You know, it’s sports. On any given Sunday. Take it for what it is – an entertaining athletic competition. Try to make a bigger statement from it and you just wind up sounding like a complete dumbfuck. And it’s entertaining even if you’re country’s athletes aren’t in it. Does that mean I don’t root for the US athletes? Of course not, for the most part. I’m an American, so of course I’d naturally root for them just like I would a team from the DC area where I’m from. My exception is the US Men’s Basketball team, since I always thought it was boring overkill watching them, for many years they were completely into themselves and had no interested in being there, and the overwrought reaction (see: above) to them losing was hilarious. Oh, and I rooted against Maurice Greene since he was a dick.
- Yingdong Natatorium would make an excellent band name.
- With absolutely no segue whatsoever, this is from this morning’s Washington Post profile of Bob Barr by Libby Copeland: “At the University of Southern California, he briefly joined a group of campus Democrats, at which point his Republican parents threatened to pull him out of school. Shortly after, at their suggestion, he read Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged.”” There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- So I’ve had my New Yorker subscription almost nine months, which is why I now know so much about Tavis Smiley and semi-holy hookers in India (not the same story), and I have to ask those more experienced in its ways, is “Shouts and Murmurs” ever funny? They certainly have an impressive list of contributors, but it’s always painfully stultifyingly awful. Probably even worse than McSweeney’s. Famous people trying to get away with painfully unfunny stuff? It’s like the literary equivalent of “Funny or Die.”
- In the midst of seriously considering moving back home to the DC area since Chicago has no 5 Guys (burgers that taste exactly like a burger served in a paper bag should, and I mean that as a huge compliment), California Tortilla, or Yuengling beer (seriously, someone please send me some for my birthday. Or at the very least, please fax me one), I was subtlety reminded that rampant douchebaggery still exists in DC, just like it runs wild here in Chicago. On the Metro Saturday heading to another Nationals loss, I overheard a conversation by two guys flanking a sneaky-hot girl (unfortunately wearing a Yankees t-shirt) that involved a bunch of guys being drunk, a friend of theirs falling and requiring stitches in his mouth, and one of the storytellers and some other guy “running around bodyslamming each other into bushes.” (I actually don’t think that was a double-entendre). Nothing I heard surprised me in the least from the very beginning. Because when a guy’s story starts with someone named “Sweat,” you pretty much know exactly what you’re in for.
- Speaking of douchebaggery, while at one of Dewey Beach’s trashy t-shirt shops, I encountered a shirt that read, “I Have a PhD (Pretty Huge Dick).” It goes without saying that even without mentioning my anatomic limitations, I’m probably not that shirt’s target market, unless I’m attending an ironic t-shirt party. Now I don’t know if size matters, and I certainly hope it doesn’t, but I do wonder that if someone wore that shirt, went home with some chick with appropriately awful taste, and it was discovered his shirt’s boast was not the case, could he be sued for false advertising? Lawyers?
- Speaking of, anyone that buys a shirt that says, “You Looked Hotter on MySpace” deserves to be punched in the face.
- Talking on one’s cell phone on the beach is an implicit request to have your phone thrown into the ocean.
- While I was at the beach for a much shorter time, and therefore did not get sufficiently restless as to warrant extreme exploring, you will be happy to know that both Collier’s Trim Shop and the dildo nightlight are still there.
- You’ll also be glad to know that while playing the “horse racing” boardwalk game in which one rolls a ball into holes to get one’s animatronic horse to advance, 8yearoldsdude and I gleefully sang the “Bad Horse” song. This did not help us win, though it did possibly annoy the hell out of the other participants.
- So I mentioned this last year, but we’re always refining our methodology for looking at women. So anyway, I mentioned last year that it gets tricky as one gets older because the pool of women to be admired at the beach shrinks when you take into account trying to be appropriate. Regardless of what’s actually age of consent, I’m going to be 31 in a week so I need to be looking higher. Hey, half my age plus seven is 22 and ½. I already mentioned that women don’t necessarily age linearly, so you have to take into account accessories. Usually the guys they’re with. If not, material accessories. Unfortunately, this is much tougher on the beach. For instance, if you’re at a baseball game, is she holding a beer? We’re OK. So nowadays women on the beach break down into three categories – yes, no, and “I’m gonna need to see some ID to figure this out.” I’m sure they’d appreciate being carded. No, I’m not shallow. I’m biologically predisposed to enjoy looking at attractive women. So are you. (Or attractive guys depending on your gender and/or sexual orientation). Another difficulty of advancing age is another form of accessory. I could be walking along feeling quite pleased with myself for admiring a women who looks to be precisely in my actual age range (I’m 30, but feel about 27, which is the age people usually guess I am), and then, out of nowhere, “What? She’s got a baby? Awwwwwww! AWWWWWWW! (TM Baseketball).” Buzzkill and a half. OK, so I guess I’m a little shallow. Anyway, my advice to you if you find yourself on the beach in a similar situation is by all means, look at their face FIRST. There’s your key right there. Also, if you’re on the fence, you probably shouldn’t be looking, considering that most 20-something/30 something cosmopolitan urban semi-intellectuals don’t often drive multiple hours to the beach.
- So I actually didn't see as many Tramp Stamps as expected, but I do have to ask for a clarification on something? If someone has a huge-ass lower back tattoo, that's not a Tramp Stamp, right? What's that called? Like one that goes all across your back. Or I saw one that was a huge attacking tiger. Also, while not completely related, I saw a woman with kids who had a huge tattoo emerging from her bikini so the tattoo was half in and half out. I'd love to hear how she explained that one to the kids.
- I would like to commend the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons of the early ‘90s for briefly resurrecting the exclamation “Cowabunga!” There is no time where that word is not funny.
- I’d never noticed this before, but before crossing the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, there’s a sign that says to pull over to a certain area for an “escort.” Hey, I can’t say that driving a hooker over the Bay Bridge has ever been on my list of fantasies, but whatever floats your scupper.
- And finally, we’ve been on the cutting edge of linguistic innovation for quite some time now. It’s one of the upshots of talking a lot. Anyway, during lunch on our trip a week or so ago, my 16-year-old cousin (Sleepless’s daughter) was talking to her two friends that accompanied her about something when one of them mentioned a guy named “Troy.” The three got very quiet and my cousin giggled and said, “Oooh, I’d do it with him.” Which even when emanating from behind the adult conversation will usually halt all conversation. I said to Sleepless, “I’m sure that’s exactly what you want to hear this afternoon.” My cousin said, “Hey, I meant I’d be the princess with him.” Which of course prompted a rejoinder of “So that’s what the kids are calling it nowadays.” My cousin tried to explain that she was talking about her high school’s homecoming court, but a new phrase had been coined. Just so you know, I wouldn’t mind being the princess with Alicia Sacramone.

There is always room at the top. Don’t let them tell you that there is not. There is always room at the top. For an 18th century brain … in the 21st century.

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to ...

2008-08-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow I'm off to Delaware to see Sleepless for a few days and 8yearoldsdude and a substantial amount of extended family for about a week. I am bringing my computer with me, since I have some school stuff to monitor, but probably won't be putting anything up unless it's a rainy day at the beach. Anyway, since we're in our victory lap mode right now, I thought I would leave you with this would-be gem that I've been holding for a bit too long.

Back in early March, FedEx wouldn't deliver the new printer I had bought because my 9-year-old printer was only compatible with my old computer, which had died. Having packages that need to be signed for sucks because on the off chance I am home, my buzzer is broken, and has been for a while. And this is the one thing that makes me want to get it fixed. So my printer was taken to the FedEx depot ("Matchsticks strike when I'm ridin' my bike to the depot"). I went to pick it up on a Friday night before I went to volunteer. I thought I had given myself plenty of time, but somehow it took them like 20 minutes to retrieve the printer from holding, and then I had to deal with the fact that the box was too bulky for my trunk or even my back seat. All in the midst of the strongest winds I've seen since moving here six years ago. Knowing that the printer would surely break since I was disposing of the box, I finally kept the box pieces from flying away enough to return them to the depot. At the point I realized that I was cutting it close and had a decision to make. I could show up for my shift on time like always, or take an extra few minutes to capture the locale at which I was currently located. Sorry, NRS. There was no way I was not documenting the fact that the FedEx depot was located here:

Unfortunately no, Hooker Street is not part of a red light district. The most meta red light district ever. It's actually located in what appears to be an industrial park. And if I've learned one thing from watching "24," it's that if you ever find yourself in an industrial park, by all means, get the fuck out of there immediately.

You love patting boys' butts. Butt, butt, butt patter

2008-08-04T11:41:00.000-05:00

I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation. You're living in the past; it's a new generation. A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation. Oh no no no no no no no. Not me me me me me me me. Oh no no no no no no no. Not me me me me me me me. Time for Musings!

- If you’re wondering, the full quote is, “Hey, Fredericks. You love patting boys’ butts. You love patting boys’ butts. Butt, butt, butt patter. You’re a perv. And a loser. And a turd. Go sniff a jockstrap, you poophead.” It doesn’t look all that funny on paper, but trust me, it’s all in the delivery. This alone is worth borrowing or Netflixing “Freaks and Geeks.” (For the record, the context is that Bill has prank-called the gym teacher to protest the jocks’ always getting to pick the teams in gym class).
- Time for Senor Beavis’ Fashion Corner! So a couple weeks ago, I was proofreading my assessment class final outside at Starbucks while a cohort of college students were trying to sign up donors and volunteers for a local environmental organization. Of course, I’d just watched “Dr. Horrible” a couple days before, which made this even funnier. Anyway, the poor hippie girl doing this next to where I was editing melted my heart when she yelled after someone who had ignored her, “I love your skirt! Where did you get it?” You can’t beat that type of earnestness. Anyway, I went to talk with them after I finished editing, since I should put my money where my mouth is in terms of environmental issues, especially locally. This chick doing the sell job was very cute for someone about 10 years younger than myself, but she had this stud in her upper lip, or what the fuck do you call that area between your nose and your actual lip? And I kept thinking, “What the fuck?” I’ve seen people with it before, and did since that encounter, and that’s still my take? It just looks like a really random place to put jewelry. If this girl hadn’t been so young (she said she was an undergrad), I might have guessed she grew up with Cindy Crawford mole envy, but that’s my age bracket. I honestly haven’t a clue what the rationale is. It’s not outrageously deal-breakingly offensive like some places you could put it, but just seems random and unnecessary. DOWNGRADE!!!!
- Speaking of random, I want to give credit where credit is due. Props to Common Sense Dancing’s Wade Garrett for correcting my usage of the word “random” is describing the sports jerseys pictured on this site. He said, correctly, the proper word is “obscure.” He’s absolutely correct. The jerseys were purchased intentionally. Since I make the occasional pastime out of pointing out the comedy of others’ language errors, I have no problem with others getting me. Well played, sir.
- Speaking of people’s errors, I saw a sign at Wrigley Field during the Cubs telecast yesterday reading “We [heart] “R” Cubbies.” The what with the what-what? (TM Erin/Regina from TWOP). If I knew a video editor at WGN, I’d have them send that still over to Unnecessary Quotation Marks.
- Speaking of the Cubs, a week or so ago they called up pitcher Jeff Samardzija. This certainly presents a conflict for me since he was the former Notre Dame wide receiver who I described as looking like an ugly woman. (That is coincidental to my liking or disliking him). I also now noticed he looks like he could be John Rocker’s little brother, which I would not consider a compliment. Anyway, he’s pitched well, which is really what matters as a Cubs fan, but it is worth passing along that a Deadspin commenter who attended law school at Notre Dame mentioned that Samardzija has a tramp stamp. This leading me to calling him “Tramp Stamp.” KJ Choi asked, “Why on earth would a guy get a tramp stamp.” I don’t know, but going to Notre Dame can usually explain a lot of things. Anyway, Samardzija is lucky that Bend It is employing Chappelle’s Wrap-It-Up Box soon because I might be compelled to compose some free verse poetry about his unfortunate fashion statement.
- I have a few more Cubs nicknames to report since I wrote about it a few weeks ago. Needed a less offensive nickname for Jim Edmonds when around children, he is now “The Mole,” since I was convinced that he signed with the Cubs in order to help the Cardinals by tanking. On a much better note, Carlos Zambrano is now “Bad Horse.” Given his temperament, it’s entirely too perfect.
- Time for the Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! Fellas, where the Uggla at? WHOOT, there it is! All my friends, where the Uggla at? WHOOT, there it is! Everybody, where the Uggla at? WHOOT, there it is! It serves mentioning that it is one of the great explained travesties of life that the unconscionably awful “Whoomp! There It Is” was the one of these two fraternal twins that was popular. Uggla kinda ate it directly after the All-Star Game, but it seems like he might be turning it around a bit. Or maybe he was before going 1 for his last 9. Anyway, 6-25 with 1 double, 1 home run, and 5 RBIs. He has now Ugglaed himself to .267 with 27 doubles, 1 triple, 26 homers, 67 RBIs, and 4 stolen bases. Oh, and 117 hoys. Yikes. Look-a here, look-a here, look-a here. Uh, boy, look-a here!
- An official Bend It congratulations to Art Monk and Darrell Green, who were both inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame this past weekend. I grew up rooting for both and in many ways they were bookends of each other, each the epitome of class on opposite sides of the ball. Say what you will about potentially overdoing the faith in the speech, those were two guys you never had to worry about, and if that’s in large part due to their devout faith, I’m all for it. I confess that thinking about watching these two at old RFK Stadium both brings back comforting memories, but also sadness in terms of what the franchise is now. I can’t even conceive of an announcer at old RFK Stadium telling me not only when to cheer, but also to do it on second down. Jack Kent Cooke, for all his flaws, always had a general manager, because he never thought he could be a fantasy GM himself. Anyway, I can bitch all I want, but how many kids are lucky enough to not only have grown up with three Super Bowl championship teams, but also ones that won with class.
- So Lollapalooza was this past weekend here in Chicago, organized by my favorite Surfrider spokesman, Perry Ferrell. I wasn’t there, given that I’m both lacking in money and kinda claustrophobic, but part of me wishes I had been, if only to see Rage Against the Machine and Radiohead. Anyway, I will give props to AT&T Blue Room, a facet of Yed Ped’s employers, for their non-live webcast (I sadly didn’t figure this out until I was watching Broken Social Scene perform in the sun when it was 9 at night) of some of a bunch of indie acts. Friday, I was watching Gogol Bordello, and I have to say, every once in a while the hype machine actually gets it right.
- Saturday evening, I was listening to the feed of Explosions in the Sky while working on something else, and it totally threw me off. I kept expecting Matt Saracen to show up in slow-motion glory at any moment.
- So I’d been waiting all Saturday to watch the feed of Broken Social Scene, which aired at 8:30 PM CDT. I guess I was kinda disappointed, but at the same time, I expected to be disappointed. Their music is so layered and often understated that playing a large outdoor festival seemed like a mismatch. Not to mention they weren’t mic-ed very well, especially on “7/4 Shoreline,” my favorite of their songs. That said, it was still cool to actually see them and see what they look like playing songs I’ve been listening to a lot lately. I was disappointed that, I believe it was Kevin Drew, held on to the work “fuck” a half-beat longer than usual in “Cause = Time.” The way he sings the words “fuck the cause” very staccato on the album works a lot better for me. Sure, it’s their song and they can do whatever they want with it, but I just didn’t think this small change helped the song. I will also say that they are not an attractive collective of musicians. Which really doesn’t matter at all, but I’d never seen any of their faces. Brendan Canning looks like he accidentally stumbled out of Phish. Anyway, given a choice between the album and this performance, I think I’d prefer the albums. But then again, I wasn’t there.
- So the Summer Olympics start this week I think. I confess to not caring. I know I said a couple years ago I much prefer the Winter Olympics. Olympic basketball doesn’t interest me. Olympic soccer does a bit; I hope they show that. As for the individual events, as Saturday Night Live parodied way back in the ‘70s, everyone’s probably doped up. I’m not interested in “pageantry.” To be fair, I’m not NBC’s target audience. But then again, I’m also the kind of person who wouldn’t really want to watch the taped events after knowing the results. I know 8yearoldsdude and I kinda go Good Cop-Bad Cop on the Olympics, so he can probably swoop in and convince you why you should care.
- Speaking of the Olympics, though, a bunch of months ago I had mentioned a story about a restaurant in Beijing that specializes in serving animal penises. And while no American journalist had the … well, balls, an Australian journalist named Garry Linnell went to said restaurant for a story. He reviews ox, sheep, deer, and donkey johnson, of which he claims donkey was the best. At the risk of being 14, this is still pretty hilarious. 8yearoldsdude wondered if they do the ordering in bulk, thereby ordering “a bag of dicks.” Maybe the famous “McPenis Filet” prank call that JoshuaTrees had on his computer in college may inspire an offering at Beijing McDonalds. Maybe when I’m encouraging people to “enjoy the nutritious goodness of a horse’s penis,” I’m not really that far off. Maybe the restaurant should pay me for the advertising. Trust me, click the link. It’s pretty awesome. Oh, and if someone paid me to eat animal wang, would I do it? Sure, probably. Makes a good story.
- So I still haven’t seen “The Dark Knight,” in large part hindered by my insistence on seeing “Batman Begins” first and it not being available for rent. (The legend of the rent, in this case, is way hardcore!). However, given the overall alleged darkness of the film, doesn’t this Domino’s commercial strike you as … well, I don’t know if I’d say offensive, but at least a bit misguided? Oh, that loveable scamp, The Joker. He owes me a new car. He’s just so damn cuddly and I’m sure he’ll enjoy a little joshing.
- Speaking of movies, time for a Bend It Movie Review! So among the many movies I’ve been watching off my DVR the past week or so, I’m not entirely sure what compelled me to watch “Leaving Las Vegas.” It’s entirely probable that I was just too close to it, but that was probably the hardest to watch movie I’ve seen this far, now surpassing “Half-Nelson.” (I’ve never seen “Requiem For a Dream” or any Todd Solandz films besides "Welcome to the Dollhouse"). I don’t think I can even try to judge the film as “good” or “bad.” It was just so fucked up. I’m not sure if I’ve seen a more unsympathetic “protagonist.” And pretty much every time she responded to him, my mouth dropped and I just said, “Why?” So between the two, if I was trying to judge which character was more screwed up, I’d have to say her, because she intentionally invited that behavior into her life and cleaning up after him like a child for a few weeks or whatever was apparently the closest thing to happiness she’d found so far in her life. Now that is truly heartbreaking. I just didn’t even want to keep watching it. I was like, “Please hurry up and die. I’ve made it this far; I might as well finish it.” I know that for most of the most celebrated filmmakers of the past, the goal was often to make people uncomfortable and to evoke emotions that couldn’t be done with standing art or even plays. This certainly did that, I suppose. So I guess some credit has to be given. As far as realism, did Nicolas Cage really give an Oscar-worthy performance of someone in late-stage alcoholism, or did he just sweat and twitch a lot and act like an asshole and break things? I don’t know. I’m probably not the right person to judge. On a less serious note, between “The Karate Kid” and “Adventures in Babysitting,” I had a major crush on Elisabeth Shue growing up, and if hookers actually did look like her, I might not be all talk and jokes.
- What if Dominos had made a “Leaving Las Vegas” commercial in which the chick was like, “Tell Ben Sanderson he owes me a car,” with a wink? That would be wrong. I’m just saying.
- Apropos of nothing, the Bend It Season 4 Soundtrack, unlike Season 4 itself, is going to rule.
- So would it be considered a red flag if your Starbucks crush comes in wearing a “Carrie Underwood Official Fan Club” t-shirt? I’m not casting a jaundiced eye on Carrie Underwood herself. Lots of people like her and she doesn’t bother me. But giving of one’s own money to be a part of an “Official Fan Club?” What does one get, besides apparently a t-shirt? I should have asked, except the next customer in line picked a lousy time for a really involved order. Screw you, breakfast sandwiches!
- So apparently Justin Timberlake recently challenged Ashton Kutcher’s claim to bringing trucker hats in style. He claims he and his real tight homeboy were wearing them “when they were 17.” Why exactly would anyone want to lay claim to that? Will there next be a celebrity rumble over popped collars? I can only hope this devolves into some sort of Anchorman-style fight.
- Apparently somewhere in Massachusetts, they have cell-phone throwing contests. First of all, 8yearoldsdude really needs to enter this. Second, it apparently involves displacing frustration against your own phone. But I think they should have an event, where you take a phone from someone else and then throw it. I’d fly up to take part in that.
- So a few weeks ago, when discussing my nascent enjoyment of “How I Met Your Mother,” I had mentioned that Alyson Hannigan had mysteriously become much hotter in between American Pie and this show. I think we postulated that maybe it was just maturation. But a week or two ago, I saw an earlier episode in which she looked very much the same as she did in American Pie. Now she kinda glows. Is it possible that this apparently transformation could just be the result of the absolute best fake-tanning potion in the history of the world, combined with growing her hair out a bit? If so, don’t I feel silly?
- So last week there was this video of a horse-racing announcer calling a victory, not by Bad Horse, but by a horse apparently named “Arrrrrrrr!” Which is funny. Except that on the bottom of the screen, such a horse is not mentioned in what I believe to be the running standings. Unless that’s not what it is, I’m throwing a flag on this as fake. (It’s still funny as a sketch, though).
- So last week’s US Senior Open in Colorado Springs was briefly disrupted last Thursday by a black bear walking across the 12th fairway. This was especially bad news for everyone in attendance that did not have homework.
- And finally, last week’s New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle featured the clue, “It often follows a slash mark.” Sadly, the response was seven letters instead of eight.

If the children don't grow up. Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to rust. I guess we'll just have to adjust!

How to lose a restaurant in 30 days

2008-08-01T10:22:00.000-05:00

So a couple weeks ago I had mentioned that a mysteriously-named restaurant on my route to National Runaway Switchboard had closed only a month after it opened. Sure, there's the well-known aphorism that the best way to make a small fortune in the restaurant business is to start with a large fortune, but one month? Was Jerry Seinfeld the only customer? I've seen plenty of good restaurants close, but despite being a few credits short of my finance degree (TM Tom Waddle), like all of them, I'd really like to see their business model. Despite the unpredictability, I'd have to guess that any restaurant that could close in a month would never have succeeded regardless of quality. So I'd suppose that would make my point about the restaurant's signage decently moot. But still, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I'm not really sure how you draw attention to your new restaurant if you're not already a big name. Some has to be quality and word of mouth, but a marketing scheme has to be involved. And when that scheme appears to solely consist of something even I could have constructed with Photoshop, you might instantly conclude this place was designed to fail. And I've never even used Photoshop. At some level, I feel a little bad for them considering this could have been the best restaurant in all of Chicago for all we know, and was derailed by a bad business model and even worse marketing savvy, and at the same time don't. Anyway, graphic designers prepare to cringe. This was their sign:

As a bonus question, what do you think the name of the restaurant actually was?

And as a double-bonus, a friend sent this in a few weeks ago. I can't zoom in enough to see exactly where it's from, but I believe it to be a Baltimore area church.

Sound advice for the upcoming weekend. Have a good one!

Put the d*** in the ear!

2008-07-30T11:30:00.000-05:00

Before anything else, apparently “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog,” the new cult classic I was talking about last Monday, is at least temporarily available for free again. I’m not sure for how long, so I highly recommend you taking a little time to check it out.

Anyway, after Monday, I think the best medicine is pure silliness. And this is most certainly that.

So a couple weeks ago, I was lamenting the complete lack of availability of another cult classic. That being Luther Campbell (aka “Luke” aka “Uncle Luke”)’s “Asshole Naked.” A song that Luther Campbell is barely even in. I actually just found out recently that it’s allegedly Ice Cube rapping. A song that for all I know, only a handful of people know about. My college roommate Sergio told me when we were seniors. I somehow showed 8yearoldsdude back when I actually did have an MP3 of it on my Mt. Trashmore of a computer I bought in college. Anyway, as misogynistic rap about strippers goes, it’s one of the best bad songs of all time. It’s absolutely hilarious. I mean, you can take a look at the lyric sheet here, but even that doesn’t do it justice. Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, there is no trace of it musically anywhere on the series of tubes (props to Ted Stevens for that indictment there). Not downloadable for free anywhere. Not even downloadable for pay anywhere. Not even a video on YouTube of people dancing to it (this was actually supposed to run last Friday, but I think all the booty shaking lulled me into a trance). Let me tell you, now I’m really kicking myself for the fact that I actually used to have a copy of its CD, “Uncle Luke,” a CD now not even listed on Amazon, and resold it because, well, it was bloody awful. I do have it on tape, but what help is that to y’all? Or me for that matter.

That doesn’t necessarily stop me from quixotically searching the Internet in hopes that maybe a likeminded individual with some sort of access to such a classic might have found a way of sharing it. And yet I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. But that’s not to say I haven’t found comedy. I’d pretty much forgotten about the genre of “booty rap.” As far as I can tell, it is pretty much what 2 Live Crew initially espoused. A strong beat that one can dance to, preferably by shaking one’s booty. A general bawdiness. VERY few lyrics. And some of the most awkward phraseology known to man. I don’t know how well you remember searching songs or artists on the Internet, but you might remember that not everyone out there is the most intelligent or accurate knave on the planet. So when searching for lost chestnuts of your favorite bands, you would find that they would be credited with tons of MP3s that they have absolutely no connection to whatsoever except a similar genre. For instance, if you searched “Reel Big Fish” back in the day, pretty much every single ska-punk cover of any song would come up under their name. Because they were either the best ska-punk band out there (I certainly think so) or at least one of the better known. It’s even possible that at first you might think, “Oh my goodness. I didn’t know Reel Big Fish covered, “Come On Eileen,”” and then you downloaded it and it was the same Save Ferris version you already had and you wanted to strangle whoever posted it and be like, “You dumbfuck. It’s not even the same gender singing!” So with that in mind, let’s just say it might be entirely possible that some pretty hilarious results might show up if I were searching under “Uncle Luke.” Let’s see some of what I did find.

“Dickey Ride.” Really? After some serious research, this song actually appears to not only be 10-years-old, but also by some entity known as Southern Players. Apparently it has some traction since there are lots of videos of people shaking their booties to it. The one I linked up front I chose because it was least likely to get you in any trouble at work, but also because that dude was the best dancer out of those I saw. (Can you see how hearing this over and over may have also broken my work ethic?). But I’m much more interested in how this song was conceived. I mean sure, we know what that entails, but have you ever heard it put exactly like that? Next time I walk in the club, I’m going to ask someone if they want a “dickey ride,” and see their response. I think they might be sufficiently confused.

“Scrub Da Ground.” Not quite sure what to make of this one. This appears to be by “Splack Pack,” whoever they were. The title made me laugh because I imagined it involved getting sufficiently low so that your booty would be waxing the floor. And that’s not to say that’s not what it’s about. But I have turned up video of people doing some sort of fast footwork dance that seems to equate to Scooby-Doo running from a ghost. Also, I kinda didn’t hate this song.

“Throw That D.” This actually was by the 2 Live Crew, I believe. Though it looks like Trick Daddy did a remake of it. Once again, sure I know what it means, but this sounds like a song that would be about Lorena Bobbitt.

“U Need Dick in Your Life.” OK, that just makes me laugh a lot. Unfortunately, there does not appear to be any video of this, but this is apparently by 10 K.A.Ns. And with a Geo Storm shout-out no less. Would this be an effective come-on? Does this protagonist in this number think he can turn a lesbian straight? I actually think this may have power ballad written all over it if we put our minds to it.

And finally, “Too Much Booty in the Pants.” Apparently by Soundmaster T. (Not my stage name, by the way). This is so awkward that it will probably never cease to be funny. Maybe that offensively awkward line in “My Humps” (which is all of them) about, “Whatcha gonna do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans?” was merely an homage. What this song actually sounds like is “Wacky D is in the House” from CB4. Like a lot. He sure wasn’t no Wacky D.

And if you thought that was the highlight, you’d be wrong. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that one of the most influential shows in my lifetime, “Married With Children,” struck while the iron was hot during the “Baby Got Back” and “Rump Shaker” era. Al Bundy got hooked on the “Rap Channel” because he likes staring at asses. Among his mentioned favorites are, “Pump That Rump,” “Gangster Booty,” and the inimitable “Put More Ass on That Lass.” Well played, writers. This clip stays with you. Seriously, y’all, if you’ve never seen Al Bundy shake his ass at the TV, you haven’t completely lived.

Tag Team, back again. Check it to wreck it, let's begin

2008-07-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

Props to the always underappreciated Steve Rollin'. He certainly didn't have a gall to call himself "The Brains Supreme," and then drop the most wack-ass lyrics possibly known to man outside of Soulja Boy.

First of all, massive apologies for the incomparable self-indulgence this morning. I’ve been putting this off for a couple weeks, but it’s in my own best interests I hope.

Anyway, when I started grad school, the plan as stated was that I’d keep writing Bend It through my first year when I was just in class, and then wrap it up before my second year when I’m working in a school every non-weekend day that I’m not at school all day. Yeah, I know. Yikes! I admit I’m more than a bit worried about at least four things: A) If I’m going to be any damn good at actual school psychologist stuff or whether I’ll hate it, thereby possibly leaving me out to dry and not knowing what I should do; B) How the fuck I’ll get my schoolwork done, considering how difficult it was this past spring without the full days in the school; C) Whether I’ll just burn out physically; and D) If I’ll actually see anyone ever. I know that was part of the deal and it’s just for a year, but chances are high that even if I love the in-school part of it, many aspects of this are going to substantially suck.

So I’ve been looking at the little puzzle pieces of my life and trying to figure out what is actually benefiting me and what’s a commitment and nothing more. Which is kinda unfairly stressful since there’s no way of really knowing how things will fit together until the fall. However, one thing I do know, despite the fact that I enjoy it much more than most, is that I just flat out won’t have time to write Bend It as it’s currently constructed. It was much much easier when I had a desk job and could write at lunch and between tasks. When I started back at school and started having assignments perpetually hanging over me, I carved out blocks of time into my schedule in which to write. Which is why most of the last year’s stuff has kinda sucked, at least by my own estimation. It’s just felt kinda rushed and thereby lacked depth and flair. But anyway, those blocks of time I made for myself won’t be there in the fall. It’s not, “OK, I’m gonna not to do schoolwork now and then I’m gonna do schoolwork then.” I won’t be home. I suppose I could write a week’s worth of stuff on Sundays, which I feel like I already kinda do, but that probably won’t help me pass my classes.

Anyway, as times go, this isn’t a bad one. The absolute best thing about writing for me, besides getting random thoughts on “paper” and seeing if I can get anyone to agree with me, is it’s a great way to communicate with friends and family without having to individually email everyone. Plus, how often in your emails do you have a Fashion Corner? Or a Giant Douche Cam? However, just as my own life has exploded a bit, so have the lives of most of Bend It’s correspondents, which is completely understandable. At the moment, it’s usually 8yearoldsdude and I kicking around random references with the occasional contribution from IWasTheWalrus. Hold that thought for a second.

The reason I’d rather wrap Bend It as constructed instead of just writing when I have the time is the structure involved not only works for me, but should work for people reading. I know as a reader of other sites, if I know when stuff’s coming, I’m gonna keep coming back to see it. If people write once every two weeks, then maybe a couple days in a row, I’ll forget about it because of the delays. So that doesn’t feel worth it to me. I could just post a Musing or two every couple of days maybe, but it would feel like a different site to run it completely differently. That’s just a me thing. I wouldn’t rule out after this next year starting another blog with another name in another format. Because it is a fucking blast a lot of the time.

So that said, I know I can’t write it all myself, but I would absolutely be open to some sort of collective over the next year. Which of course is the only reason I’d ever use lyrics from one of the all-time lyrical abominations every written in a title. Lord only knows I’ll have some random thoughts I’d want to express; I just can’t do it regularly and in long-form. But with other people of a similar sensibility, it could work really well. Especially with multiple people to draw readership from. My idea for a while was that if 8yearoldsdude, IWasTheWalrus, and I tried to pull this off, it would work really well. Unfortunately, IWasTheWalrus is going to Lesotho for a year in the fall, and I remember his computer interactions being limited the last time he was there. And who can blame him. There’s donkeys! So anyway, if you know of a possible collective for me, by all means let me know. I would be outstandingly grateful. If not, well, I’d be sincerely bummed, but I’ll still probably throw out some of my random thoughts on Deadspin from time to time, which I already do. Oh, and the best way to get in touch with me when I’m super busy is to text me.

Oh, and Bend It’s last day isn’t today. I would say it’s probably in a little under a month, since my fall gauntlet starts in a month. 8yearoldsdude and I will be on vacation from August 7-17, and I’m not sure whether I’ll have my computer with me or not, though the odds of a story about a cougar bar at pretty substantial. Watch out because any unposted photos I’ve been holding will be making some sort of an appearance. (Kristen Bell filibuster!). And there absolutely will be a Season 4 soundtrack that will come out the last day. While there hasn’t been a ton of good writing, there’s been far too much good music in the past year not to make that happen. Of course, thanks for reading, even for a day, a month, and year, or all four.

So I’m not going to leave on this depressing note. Most depressing for me, trust me. While my brain is pretty fried right now and I’ve been doing a steady regimen of almost absolutely nothing (unsurprisingly, my video store is out of “Batman Begins”) since I turned in my finals last Thursday, how about a six-year-old MP3 of Carbon Leaf performing a quite faithful version of “Istanbul (Not Constantinople).”

I assure you Musings will be back next Monday. Today, it seriously would have been like, “Ovaltine? Why don’t they call it Roundtine?”

I see you rolled your way into the semis

2008-07-25T10:53:00.000-05:00

So I'm a bit aimless this morning. That's fine by me. How about a couple pictures of Zeke the bunny on a rolling cart of shelves? Pictures TM Zekers of course.

I'm an Uggla, you're an Uggla, that's terrific

2008-07-23T11:24:00.000-05:00

OK, so about a week ago our Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla had what might be considered a rough night in the All-Star Game. How rough? He went 0-4 with 3 hoys (for those who don’t enjoy misquoting Major League, those are strikeouts) and one double-play ball. That double play, mind you, was with men on first and third and one out in a tie game. Oh, but that’s not it. He also made 3 errors in the field. It was called, by most members of the sports media, the worst All-Star Game performance of all time.

On the off chance that I had been wrapped up in school and had completely missed coverage of the All-Star Game, everyone and their cat (cats are good with phones, you know) texted me last Wednesday to let me know about it. Friends who read. Friends who don’t read Bend It anymore. Friends who don’t even know there is such a thing. (Yes, I do talk about Uggla outside of here). Seriously, more people texted me about Uggla’s All-Star performance than usually do to wish me a happy birthday (it’s a month from tomorrow). I found that decently hilarious. Anyway, one of the running questions was whether I would be on the market for a new Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player. Of course not! We love our Uggla in good times and bad. The only thing that would get Uggla fired would be getting busted for steroids (and that legitimately could happen).

It’s possible that unless it derails his career, which I would sincerely hope it wouldn’t, this experience would just make him more loveable. I mean, seriously, I would hazard a guess that everyone, either in sports or some sort of competition, has had some sort of an Uggla All-Star Game. Granted, it wasn’t on national TV, but some competition where you just went out and absolutely stunk out the joint. Everything that could have gone wrong did. And then it still just kept getting worse. And chances are you may remember the shit out of that day better than most of those that you played well. Hey, I can tell you about mine.

As most of you know, I was primarily a swimmer. Fortunately, being a swimmer does not lend itself as much to this kind of thing, especially if you weren’t a star. I suppose you could false start on the relay that would have decided a swim meet. I have seen that happen, but that never happened to me. Anyway, one of the best things about swimming for me, aside from it being the sport I was most naturally talented at, was that it involved a lot less thinking than most sports. One of my biggest problems as an athlete was that I lacked some mental toughness in that I’d think way too much. My mind is perpetually racing, which is a great quality for a blogger but I really terrible one for a good athlete, because, as Local H would say, before you can think the thought has entered you mind and it will be back soon. If I were a baseball player, which I wasn’t, I have no doubt that I would have made errors in quantities that made Uggla look like a Gold Glover. I would have pitched like Rick Ankiel.

Anyway, so my sport outside of swimming was tennis. Yes, I know. Me and my country club sports. I have street cred for miles. Anyway, my Uggla All-Star Game moment came when I was 16 and my friend and I were playing in the finals of this dinky local club league tournament. (I later taught tennis in summers and this “dinky local club league tournament” was actually a blast to work at). Anyway, we’d lost in the finals the year before to two guys that played varsity at a local high school and were probably better than us, but we played pretty well and it was a great match. I think we lost in a tiebreaker. That blows, but it’s not embarrassing, especially if you’re playing well. This match, however, was another story. The guys we were playing were good players, but there’s really no way of knowing if this would have been a good match or not. No precedent earlier in the week. I just flat out had nothing. And by nothing, I mean less than nothing. I couldn’t hit a ball over the net. I couldn’t hit a volley in the court. I had no idea why, but the harder I tried, the worse I played. Now this is why playing doubles can be such a boondoggle. First of all, if you’re playing singles and play like shit, you just eat it and go home. If you’re playing doubles, you have to deal with the fact that not only are you fucking up, but you’re taking someone else down with you through no fault of their own. And if you’re a head case like me, that gets in your head. You feel AWFUL about it. The other thing about doubles is that if one player doesn’t have it, the other team knows it pretty quickly. And if that player is in his head about it, where do you think every ball is going? It’s one of the worst island feelings I can think of. You’re playing net while you’re partner’s serving and you know every shot is coming to you because you can’t even volley it in the court. And yeah, it didn’t just get bad, it got comically bad. I was hitting volleys off the fucking neck of my racket multiple times. I hit overheads off my frame. I think I may have even whiffed one. Seriously, someone should have been playing the Benny Hill music (which I learned is called “Yakety Sax”) in the background. The other team certainly found it funny. I think most self-respecting partners would have kneecapped me and then played by himself. (I had another really shitty match the next year in a high school match and my partner was a real dick about it, and honestly, though I was pissed off, I didn’t blame him. Oh, and for the record, I’ve been the other partner too and that’s a tough position to be in as well. At some point, what do you say?). My friend who I was playing with is a Mormon, and to his credit was still just trying to be super-positive. Which made me feel even worse.

Needless to say, we lost very very quickly and my friend may have seen maybe two shots the entire match. Fully losing my sense of perspective, I didn’t want to talk to anyone and be near anyone because I was just so pissed off at myself. Of all the irony, we got a second-place trophy. I went home quickly and I believe I smashed it. Or maybe just disassembled it. And threw it in a ditch. Because the last thing I wanted was a material reminder of the worst athletic performance of my entire life and letting down a friend in the process. My mom, being a mom, found the trophy, and brought it back up to my room in pieces, since I might want it when my pissed-off-ed-ness subsided. So then I got the full bad horror movie villain effect. Awesome. So I threw it in the trash. The outside trash.

No, I didn’t quit tennis after that match. It just sucked. Like all sucky performances, they just suck and then the next day is usually better. So let’s hope that’s the case for Uggla. Anyway, if anyone’s out there, what was your Uggla All-Star Game? Let’s exorcise a few demons.

Make the Bad Horse gleeful or he'll make you his mare

2008-07-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

I drifted marooned on a splinter at sea. Washed up in the dessert and there's nothing to drink. Well, it's no surprise that nothing rhymes with "woman." I drifted marooned on a splinter at sea. Washed up in the dessert and there's nothing to drink. Well, oh Lord I'm sure you're bored of forgiving me. Don't you see, I fell in love with another man's woman. Another man's woman has got a hold on me. Time for Musings!

- Sure, I’m about a week late on this bandwagon (props to Cardinal Dogboard with the indirect tip and to Maureen Ryan with the direct one), but if you too are plaintively trying to conceptualize a rather vicious final project in your assessment class and need a diversion, or if you just want to laugh, I highly recommend Joss Whedon’s online venture “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog,” which only furthers the career re-awesome-ization of its star Neil Patrick Harris. (Dr. Horrible, Dr. Horrible, telephone for Dr. Horrible…). Actually, it might be just as well that I didn’t get to it until Saturday, given how Friday’s KB birthday celebration could have turned out. (Don’t think that between IWasTheWalrus and I that we couldn’t write a KB musical). Too much awesomeness to mention, but it was nice to see Dr. Horrible use, “Balls!” as an expletive. (I don’t happen to know anyone who was at least 6 years out ahead on that one). Or the part about his failed freeze ray attack at the beginning of Act II. Or, of course, “The hammer is my penis.” Anyway, chime back in with your favorite part. Update: It was one week only and they took it down last night. Balls!
- Speaking of Neil Patrick Harris and awesomeness, how the fuck about the timing of last Monday? I asked Monday morning about how the ensemble of How I Met Your Mother met Robin and Barney and last Monday they show the episode where they meet Robin. (Also co-starring Jon Bernthal as “Carlos”). It’s almost like CBS read my mind. (Or that I looked up the info on my DVR and structured the question that way, except that actually didn’t happen). By the way, thanks for the help last week. Yes, I know I’m a latecomer here, but I’m certainly a convert. And as y’all know, I’m a very enthusiastic champion of my favorite shows.
- Speaking of, enthusiastic championing, Carbon Leaf was playing Saturday at the Sheffield Garden Walk Festival, which was in fact on Sheffield and did involve walking, but was kinda missing the gardens. Since it’s one of the city’s oldest festivals at 40-years-old, I wonder what it used to entail that gave it its name. Anyway, it was right in the midst of the DePaul campus and the stage was smack between the DePaul Student Center and the St. Vincent DePaul Catholic Church. I gotta say, I understand that’s where the open space of the parking lot is, but the placement deserves a Ph.D. in Horribleness in that the acoustics are pretty wretched, what with the sound bouncing off the walls there. Especially with a band that has a lot of instruments going, there were a lot of sound waves canceling each other out, and for that alone, it was far from the best Carbon Leaf show I’ve seen through no fault of the band’s own. However, they did play a large amount of popular songs and hopefully drew some new fans. Perhaps the highlight for me was they busted out a new song called “Another Man’s Woman,” which apparently they’ve been playing for like 9 months now, but I hadn’t seen them in a year. Anyway, it’s awesome and you may have heard some of it already a bit up the page. Also maybe the first time that at a street festival, where $5 shot glasses of beer, bad tans, and even worse fashion are the norm, there were people crying during “The War Was in Color,” an incredibly powerful and heartbreaking tune sung from the point of view of a dead soldier in the black and while photograph. Their cover of “Come Together” (hopefully as they play it more, there will be better video quality since this is the best I can find and you can’t really hear the vocals), while not quite as much fun as when they would close with “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp,” still freaking rules. Update: I found an MP3 of them playing it, not as well, in 2002. I guess they just took about a 6-year hiatus from playing it.
- As a completely biased observer, I would like to point out that the fucking Freddy Jones Band headlining Saturday at said festival instead of Carbon Leaf constitutes as striking a musical injustice as you’re liable to find. If you’ve been lucky enough to never hear these clowns, think O.A.R. without the ability to write melodies.
- Fittingly, the other street festival in Chicago this past weekend (not counting the Pitchfork Festival) was apparently featuring Ben Kweller in a similar slot to Carbon Leaf. Back in the opening months of Bend It, I took issue with Mr. Kweller thinking his lyrics were a lot more clever than they really are, something that would also be a valid criticism of yours truly. Anyway, I recently found out that one of his primarily objectionably random lyrics, “Sex reminds her of eating spaghetti,” which I had always thought was gobbledygook that doesn’t even make sense, is actually a line from the movie “The Doom Generation.” I don’t know if that entire song is just about that movie, or if he just ripped off the line for the song. And if the latter, I don’t know which is worse between that or just being intentionally random for the sake of attention. That after I just praised “Come Together.” Yes, I’m being hypocritical and I’m OK with that.
- So while wandering the small stretch of Sheffield, I managed to encounter a guy wearing a hat from some sort of local farm entity. However, on the side of his hat was printed ‘“Illinois” Grown.’ Huh? It’s really too bad that I would have had to hold him down to take a picture of it because that would really be a doozy for the Unnecessary Quotation Marks site. I wonder what area of the country these farms are in that is masquerading as Illinois?
- Standing in front of me at one point was some chick who appeared to have a tattoo on one of her boobs that was emerging from her shirt (the tattoo, not the boobs). Now, it pretty much goes without saying that I would find boob tattoos way on the wrong side of trashy. But at the risk of being discriminatory, if you’re going to tattoo your boobs, you kinda have to, well, have boobs of decent size and substance. Otherwise, like this chick, you look a mighty combo of trashy and fucking scary.
- Speaking of the last two items, what would be the odds that someone would put together a photo gallery that combines my twin hatreds of bad tattoos and bad grammar? It wasn’t me, but I highly appreciate the awesomeness? Holy God, that hurts to look at!
- Saturday morning, while bending down to put boxes of organic chocolate milk in the cooler, I noticed a Starbucks customer was wearing official Tony Stewart crocs. They were bright orange and had the #20 on them. It was kinda terrifying. I think I intentionally didn’t look up to see to whom the “shoes” belonged. To be fair, I would probably be creeped out a bit by any sports team’s crocs, but to be unfair, despite my occasional enjoyment of some HD NASCAR, an individual driver crocs get a higher notch on the creepy ladder.
- Speaking of Starbucks, I will have to pour some out for my old store at the corner of Lincoln and Altgeld, which unsurprisingly closed. That store had been on the watch list even back when I worked there, which was before Bend It. Want to know a great place not to put a Starbucks? How about along a street of primarily bars. Sure, it was great for trading coffee for free drinks (not that I know anyone that used to do that), but when those places draw crowds and make their money, Starbucks is closed. But I did have legions of hilarious memories working there, so I’m still sad to see it go.
- I haven’t seen the new Batman movie, but for the last couple weeks I have had this burning question. A couple weeks ago, I saw the first review of it and read that Heath Ledger’s performance was “Oscar-worthy.” And I guess I’m inclined to believe them. I’ve seen “Brokeback Mountain” and “Monster’s Ball.” He can act good. (By the way, I don’t remember who said this, but I read someone write that maybe this performance would lead more people to get over themselves and watch Brokeback Mountain, and I have to agree). But suppose his performance was startlingly mediocre or flat-out awful? Given the circumstances, what would critics say? I almost wish that were the case just see what would happen.
- I haven’t seen “Batman Begins” either. I know I should. Batman is the only comic book hero I can usually stomach movies of, and I do like my movies dark. (Despite the fact that my favorite Batman villain is The Riddler. Go figure). I wish it would be on cable so I could DVR it. But anyway, for whatever reason, I can’t approach that movie without thinking of that Counting Crows song.
- I really have no good intro here, but the one thing I learned from all the wall-to-wall Batman coverage this past week is that Christian Bale’s wife is really hot. Well played, emperor of the sun!
- It may not be English language-related, but a site of pictures of people wearing really random sports jerseys? Sign me up! I think I’d even have a shot at winning if I took a picture of myself. Thanks to some bad pitching and a little time, my Baltimore Orioles Sidney Ponson t-shirt inadvertently turned into about the champion ironic t-shirt of all time. Now when I wear it around, people freaking love it. Yeah, take that Abercrombie and American Eagle! I’m the real fucking deal.
- So this didn’t make it in last week, but is not time-specific. I really have no idea why Atlanta Falcons draftees Matt Ryan and Sam Baker are doing some promotional appearance with the cast of “Oklahoma.” But while those posting this video choose to focus on the players’ reactions, check out the Falcons’ mascot in the background! I have no idea what he or she is doing, but it’s kinda hilarious.
- The Washington Redskins, continuing their hatred of draft picks, traded a second and sixth rounder for Dancing With the Stars’ Jason Taylor after a season-ending injury to Philip Daniels, who wasn’t any good anyway. Now admittedly, they haven’t had a pass rush since … probably Super Bowl XXVI, but that’s also in large part to their refusal to draft linemen. As 8yearoldsdude already mentioned, I hope they got the Jason Taylor robot in the deal as well, since it would probably be the second best D-lineman on their roster.
- Apropos of nothing, this video of the Red Sox Manny Ramirez completely misjudging a fly ball, then rolling around like Uga the bulldog trying to find it is pretty fantastic. Even better since the Red Sox lost that game.
- Hey, the Cubs recalled The Hoff again! See, that’s why I mentioned him. He’s up and down every other week. Don’t hassle The Hoff!
- OK, time for the Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! They all sit and wonder why this feelin' I cannot hide. It ain't a question of pride. It’s Uggla! (By the way, that’s DC’s own Rare Essence playing backup for Jill Scott on that song). Yeah, so it’s been widely questioned as to how Tuesday’s All-Star Game performance (which gets the spotlight this Wednesday) would affect his play after the break, and would he just eat it. Well, unfortunately, so far the critics have been correct. So far, 1-12 with 6 hoys (unofficial TM to Major League). That one hit was a home run, though. But that may even be a bad sign of looking to overcompensate. Anyway, he’s Ugglaed back down to .278 with 25 doubles, 1 triple, 24 home runs, 61 RBIs, and 4 stolen bases. Let’s hope for better … wait, actually no. The Marlins play the Cubs this coming weekend, so I kinda hope he doesn’t do much. OK, I hope Uggla gets a bunch of hits, but they’re all singles and everyone behind him gets out. Now that I would want on my black-eyed peas.
- Speaking of the All-Star Game, admittedly I’m seeing this photo was taken out of context, but what exactly is Sarah Jessica Parker doing on the field at the All-Star Game? Besides maybe publicly announcing the next “Sex and the City” movie? Maybe it’s because they think she’s a New York icon because of the stupid show and the game was in New York? That would be stupid, but certainly plausible. Anyone know? Did her character even like baseball?
- Speaking of awkwardly written shows, so apparently the big rumor is that Grey’s Anatomy was so pissed off at Katherine Heigl for declining to be nominated for the Emmys because she said the writing of her character sucked (as opposed to the writing of her character EVER), that they are contemplating killing her off. Well, I have to say, while she wasn’t wrong, publicly criticizing the quality of your show usually isn’t a good way to stay employed. Anyway, the latest I’ve read is that while life or death has yet to be determined, Izzie will get a brain tumor and will be visited by tumor-induced visions of McDirty, who is apparently under contract now to do so. Man, I gotta hand it to the Grey’s writers. They sure showed her. Criticize the quality of our writing, and by God, we’ll give you something that’s not just even worse, but possibly the worst idea in the history of the show. Which is saying something.
- Have Samantha Ronson and Macaulay Culkin ever been seen in the same room together?
- This can even melt a cold heart such as mine. Though I’m really not sure how this hadn’t happened already. Leslie Fiest singing “1-2-3-4” on “Sesame Street" with Muppets. It's officially awesome.
- And finally, time for Senor Beavis’ Fashion Corner! I couldn’t help but notice over the weekend that I encountered about 6 people wearing these Polo shirts that had HUGE fucking logos. You know, the old Polo shirts and sweaters had the little horsey guy on the left. This horsey guy covers pretty the entire upper left (your right) of the shirt. Like a guy’s entire pec, or, unless a chick has oversized boobs, a chick’s entire boob. I’d never seen these before in my life, and then saw them everywhere over the weekend. And I have to say I don’t get it. I always thought the whole Polo aesthetic was high-society understated. (Not counting that entire store that 8yearoldsdude and I explored in Boston where 8yearoldsdude put on the rugby poncho). At first, I totally thought this was actually another company’s parody since it’s so ostentatious that it can’t be serious. So is this a legitimate “LOOK AT ME! I’M WEARING FUCKING POLO AND YOU CAN SEE IT FROM THE MOON” shirt by Ralph Lauren, or does this constitute some sort of self-aware inside joke? I’m completely confounded. The guy is HUGE! The horse is HUGE! My only guess is that this must be the work of Bad Horse.

And this time when kindness falls like rain. It washes [him] away. And Batman begins to change [his] mind. "These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," [he] says. And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

Hello out there. We're on the air. It's hockey night tonight

2008-07-18T11:04:00.001-05:00

So apparently Uggla gets another couple day reprieve. I had some thoughts about his All-Star Game meltdown all cued up and then I remembered that today was July 18. Which is none other than Official Bend It Muse Kristen Bell's birthday. Personally, I think she should celebrate by dropping that hanger-on ("Big-Time H" -- TM Don and Mike) boyfriend of hers, but hey, everyone wants and needs something different and maybe there's something there we're just not seeing in the face of his dearth of talent.

Anyway, I can't say I have anything super-special prepared like last year. However, even after finding some truly awesome pictures this morning, I think we should go for super-quality over quantity and manage to celebrate the marriage of two of the most supremely awesome things in the world -- Kristen Bell and hockey.

As I've mentioned here in the past, Kristen Bell played hockey growing up in the Detroit area and claims to have broken both wrists playing. She's a huge Red Wings fan and claims her first celebrity crush was goalie Chris Osgood. Now, I still have absolutely no idea why no one with the powers to make this happen has thought to take a picture of her in a Red Wings jersey. However, finally (and by "finally," I mean I've been holding onto this for a couple months for just such an occasion), we do have a scenario that is pretty much just as awesome. That being the Stanley Cup. It appears she's searching for the Wings' names. Do you think you can take it? OK, here goes.

I think this deserves a little musical tribute. Stompin' Tom Connors, will you do us the honor? I know KB is taking some time out from her birthday to sing along with us.

The good old hockey game
Is the best game you can name
And the best game you can name
Is the good old hockey game.

Dropping the Spirit Stick

2008-07-15T16:22:00.001-05:00

So I actually didn't "watch" the Home Run Derby Monday night (we're gonna wait a couple days to discuss Uggla in the All-Star Game. Rest assured, we still love him), but instead tracked it on Deadspin, which was actually a lot of fun. (Liveblogger Matt Sussman may never top: "9:11. Hey, it's Rudy Giuliani!"). Well, except for not getting to see the actual home runs. But at some level, it was interesting hearing Chris Berman's ridicuously overwraught home run calls disembodied from their actual source. I don't think there's any way in print to describe how he said, "THAT ONE'S GOING TO THE MOOOOOOOON!!!!!"

Anyway, it being the All-Star Break, this seems like as good a time as ever to work on my Cubs nicknames/cheers. As I said last year in likely the dorkiest post in almost 4 years of them, when I'm watching Cubs games, I'll try to make up nicknames or cheers for each of the Cubs players. I don't really even know why. It's not new. I used to do it at hockey games back home. It's fun for live-texting friends about the game. Fun to do at the game. Also a good way to try to crack myself up since I live by myself.

Anyway, once again, I could use a little help. There are actually quite a good handful of players who don't have solid nicknames or cheers associated with them. There's no way this should be the case. And since we have actual Deadspin commenters in our midst, the deficit ends here.

To be fair, the Cubs didn't do me any favors this year in that they got rid of some of my favorite nicknames. They did me lots of favors in that some of those guys really sucked, but it's really tough to replace a "Will Oh Man, He Sucks," considering I think he was the first Cub to draw a nickname from me. Anyway, let's peruse the Cubs roster and and see what we're currently working with. I may add some Triple-A guys since they call guys up and down quite a bit. Oh, and I'm be remiss if I didn't mention this:

I'm sexy. I'm cute. I'm popular to boot. I'm bitchin'. Great hair. The boys all love to stare. I'm wanted. I'm hot. I'm everything you're not. I'm pretty. I'm cool. I dominate the school. Who am I? Just guess. Guys wanna touch my chest. I'm rockin'. I smile. And many think I'm vile. I'm flyin'. I jump. You can look but don't you hump, whoo! I'm major. I roar. I swear I'm not a whore. We cheer and we lead. We act like we're on speed. You hate us 'cause we're beautiful. Well we don't like you either. We're cheerleaders. We are cheerleaders. Roll call!

Infielders:

Derrek Lee: Honestly, I still don't know. I've tried a handful of things and none have stuck. Announcers and fans always call him "D-Lee," but that's fantastically boring. I will not honor "nicknames" that are just one's first initial and first syllable of their last name. And I blame Alex Rodriguez for this. Although unless he started calling himself that, it's probably not his fault.
Daryle Ward: “Dar-rell-ee Ward!” I called him that when he was on other teams too.
Aramis Ramirez: I still don't know. At this time last year, I tried calling him, “The Tony Award-Winning Aramis Ramirez," which was a Bend It reference. Unfortunately, I forgot it over the offseason. Now that I'm looking at last season's list, that's actually kinda funny. I think once or twice, I've dropped, "Yes, I are a moose," but a Bullwinkle quote (the episode where he is co-opted by the Three Musketeers) is pretty fucking dated.
Ryan Theriot: Most announcers and fans call him “The Riot.” I still call him “McDreamy.” Because he’s hot. Yes, he’s married. Then again, as a friend mentioned, he's a baseball player, so who knows if that means anything.
Mike Fontenot: “This suit is Fonte … NOT!” Of course you have to say it in the Borat voice.
Mark DeRosa: “Ratatouille.” Because Mark DeRosa looks like a rat. This one has had real staying power. If Wrigley ever played “The Rat” by The Walkmen when he was up, it might be the awesomest thing ever.
Ronny Cedeno: "Ronaldinho." That actually even makes sense, since it means "Little Ronald."

Outfielders:

Alfonso Soriano: I still don't have anything that's stuck. Last year, 8yearoldsdude mentioned some things in Spanish. I think he said, "Premier Impacto," which is apparently a Spanish news show. But unfortunately doesn't work so well as a cheer. At a game last July, I pulled my shirt over my head and yelled, "I AM SORIANO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!!" KJ Choi looked at me and said, "Well, as long as you're happy." But that doesn't always work that well at home. When he's Bad Soriano and swings at pitches in Comiskey when the Cubs are playing at Wrigley, I once referred to him as a "black hole," but the racial implications are unsettling. Plus he's Dominican anyway. So when he's in a cold streak, I called him, "The Dominican Hole."
Reed Johnson: "The Apostle of Hustle." He tries to beat out bunts all the time and makes crazy diving catches. I've actually called Aramis Ramirez this sarcastically in the past for his tendency for not running out fly balls.
Jim Edmonds: "Horse Fucker." I always hated him on the Cardinals and heard from a friend of a friend who was an intern for the Cardinals in college that he was a colossal dick. He's played OK since joining the Cubs, but he's quickly reverted to form in terms of not hustling, which likely cost the Cubs the game against the Cardinals July 5, and being a condescending asshole to reporters.
Kosuke Fukudome: "Welcome to the Fukudome!" And, as previously mentioned, when he or the Cubs are playing poorly, his name makes a fantastic expletive.

Catchers:

Geovany Soto: Starting catcher in last night's All-Star Game, but I still can't think of a good nickname or cheer for him. "Don Geovany?" That's a little pretentious. Plus it means he'll be taken to Hell sometime near the end of the season. I really need some help here.
Henry Blanco: Announcers and fans call him "Hank White." I may have called him "Mr. Hankey" once in a while. Yes, we need Koyie Hill back just for Choi's cheer.

Starting Pitchers:

Carlos Zambrano: I’ve never had a good nickname for him. What the hell is the deal that I can't come up with cheers for the star players. Maybe they have less cult hero cachet. But Zambrano is freaking crazy. Maybe "El Pollo Loco."
Ryan Dempster: “Dempster My Ass!” After the famous Wesley Willis tune.
Ted Lilly: “Ted ‘Theodore’ Lilly.” Dust ... wind ... dude.
Jason Marquis: “The Marquis de Suck.”
Rich Harden: The newest Cub. I've always called the now-minor-leaguer Rich Hill "Dick Hill," just because I'll call anyone whose name is a variation of Richard that. So by that logic, he'd be "Dick Harden." Which is, well, a /dick joke, and I'm not sure I want to go that low. But it is funny. I asked Choi and she volunteered "Rode Harden Put Away Wet," which would describe a large contingent of the Wrigley un-faithful quite well. Looking outside the gutter, how about "Rich Henin-Harden." A little obscure, but I may give it a shot.

Relief Pitchers:

Sean Marshall: "WE ARE! MARSHALL!!!!" Special thanks to Marshall (Jason Segal) from "How I Met Your Mother" for the impetus when he tried to psych himself up to run a marathon by looking in the mirror and yelling, "I AM! MARSHALL!!!!"
Scott Eyre: "Stevie Ire." That's all Lou Piniella, who botched his own pitcher's name last year.
Bobby Howry: “BOB-BY HOW-RY!” Explaining this would take forever and wouldn’t even be funny (it has to do with a bit on a radio show), but only 8yearoldsdude gets this since he’s had this name since our fantasy league days.
Carlos Marmol: “Nice … Marmol.” If you don’t get it, you can borrow my copy of The Big Lebowski. Oh, and it you pull on your ears when he comes in, it may or may not be good luck. (Dude has huge ears. Like almost Jim Bullinger ears). Well, nothing's been good luck for him lately. I think what he needs might be ... the perfect cheer.
Chad Gaudin: Just came here with Harden. I guess for now he's "The Ragin' Cajun." The odds of Adam Sandler's "Cajun Man" SNL character getting thrown in there aren't terrible. Maybe some cheers in French.
Kevin Hart: This dude's been called up and sent down like 30 times this year. He just got called back up when the Cubs sent down Michael Woo-ertz. (Or "He's the Wuertz." Or "Brat-wuertz!"). Though he was never my favorite pro wrestler, I call him Kevin "The Hitman" Hart. When he's inevitably sent down again, he's going to Stu Hart's Dungeon.
Neal Cotts: "The Pageboy." After his haircut.
Jon Lieber: I don't know. "Lieberté, egalité, fraternité!"
Kerry Wood: Now the Cubs' closer. For now. You know, I'm not even sure. Usually when he comes in, I'm either cringing or yelling, "Stop fucking walking people!" But on the off chance he locks it down a little bit, his cheer is "Coffee is for closers!"

Triple-A (where all the best nicknames and cheers reside):

Rich Hill: The aforementioned "Dick Hill."
Felix Pie: "PIE!!!!" And when he gets a big hit, "Pie just said, "Eat Me!""
Micah Hoffpauir: I can't wait for him to get called back up since he's been my folk hero all year long. He's "The Hoff!" His cheer, of course, is, "Don't hassle The Hoff!!!!!"
Koyie Hill: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah Koyyyyy-eeeeeeeee!" (TM KJ Choi).
Sam Fuld: "Pygmy Geek." His name is Sam and he's freaking tiny.
Carmen Pignatiello: He was only up for like 2 games at the beginning of the year, which sucks because his cheer was, "Where in the World is Carmen Pignatiello?" And yes, you totally have to do the whole doo-wop (pardon the expression) bit before it.

So yeah, any help or better nicknames or cheers anyone can add would be greatly accepted. Only a couple more days until games start again. Of course, when my assessment professor decides to totally fuck us over by adding 4-5 extra hours of work to our final and making that contingent on other people sharing the assessment test materials (in a reference that only Cardinal Dogboard would get, she was like, "Where is it?"), she has to do that starting when games start back up again. Sorry, a little bitter. Maybe a chorus of "Where in the World is Carmen Pignatiello" would soothe my nerves a bit. Doo-wop, hooba doo-way, ooh bop ...

You claim to have so much sex, I only assumed you'd be good at it

2008-07-14T11:35:00.001-05:00

You come in, check my time. You've got fornication crimes. I've seen your death on television. Cue immortal childlike times. Separation is divine. Here is a strike beneath your knees. And they all want to love the cause. 'Cause they all need to be the cause. They all want to fuck the cause. Time for Musings!

- So a mighty Bend It congratulations is in order for 8yearoldsdude, who was officially licensed as a Deadspin commenter last week. I haven’t managed to get out of him exactly what he did, since I know that dropping my name is next to useless. Anyway, of course he quickly struck with aplomb, dropping a well-placed “Inherit the Wind” joke, and will surely be a more impressive force than myself. And not just because he has a day job, which really helps in terms of timely contribution. He may embody a sporting chicken, but I’m still pushing for him to name himself something Canadian. Cold Beer Store? Now all we need is to get IWasTheWalrus licensed and we’ll be ready to make our mark. What kind of computer access does one get in Lesotho?
- Speaking of Deadspin, I’m trying to be patient with the regime change, but I’m STILL pissed off that Clay Travis used his first day to try to claim something that had run over a year ago as his big splash. That’s a pretty serious misstep. I wonder if his next revelation will be the new catchphrase “You’re With Me, Leather.”
- I’ve been sick of this whole Brett Favre story (huge props to KSK’s Drew Magary for coining the never-ending saga “Favraro” and to Steven A. Smith for calling out the media love affair) the entire time, but I suppose I do want to raise a semantic gripe with … well, pretty much the entire media worldwide. It’s not a “comeback” if you don’t actually miss any games. If you finish one season and then start another, that’s just the fucking offseason.
- Time for a recycled joke! Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones was arrested last week for possession of a buttload of coke. After checking his ID, the arresting officer immediately replied, “Who?”
- In what I’d call a shocking turn of events, the San Jose Sharks re-signed our Bend It Official NHL Player Marcel Goc to a one-year contract. This after he was scratched most of the second half of last season, leading me to hope he’d get traded or sign somewhere else. Well, maybe things will be different under new coach … who is the Sharks’ new coach anyway? (Update: The Sharks coach is now Todd McLellan).
- Well, I’m “happy” to say that it’s my least favorite sports week of the year – the goddamn All-Star Break. No Cubs games until Friday. The All-Star Game itself is OK, I guess. Maybe I’d consider watching a little of the Home Run Derby tonight (I was about to write “tomorrow” since I write most of this on Sunday), except listening to Chris Berman try to call batting practice homers like it’s a walkoff in Game 7 of the World Series with the same home run call – either “Back, back, back, back …” or referencing some suburb of where the game is – is absolutely excruciating. Maybe I’ll throw on a CD and watch some on mute. Nothing Wednesday or Thursday. Normally the All-Star Break is good for encouraging actual human contact, but I do have two big finals due next week and a lot to do this coming weekend.
- Well, there is one very Bend It-specific reason to watch the Home Run Derby tonight. The Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla is in it. And I’m sure that considering he’s been hurt most of the past 2 weeks, that’s exactly what’s best for his ankle – to torque it out swinging extra hard a bunch. And from a baseball standpoint, you have to consider what damage this could do in getting your swing stuck swinging for the fences. Anyway, if you are watching, cheer extra hard for our hero.
- Speaking of, time for the Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! Somebody yell, “Ugg!” UGG! Say “Ugg-la!” UGG-LA! Well, Uggla is back from his injury and starting off about as slowly as one usually does coming off an injury. 3-14 with 1 double, 0 home runs, and 1 RBI. So he has no Ugglaed back to .286 with 25 doubles, 1 triple, 23 homers, 59 RBIs, and 4 stolen bases.
- It officially sucks that the New York Mets’ 9-game-winning streak has put them right back in the playoff hunt. Sure, that’s where they were supposed to be, so for the most part, they’re just playing up to potential. But it totally fucks up my whole “Curse of Rick Astley” theory. Curse you, Yed Ped and your dancing trombone player!
- So I’ve never been to Spain, but during the running of the bulls, does anyone there actually root for the bulls like some people including myself do here? Like wouldn’t it be awesome if people showed up with signs that said, “Go Bulls! Gore People!” or whatever the Castilian equivalent would be? Show up with Bulls jerseys on? “Hook ‘em Horns?”
- Speaking of, I don’t know if anyone outside of 8yearoldsdude will enjoy this, but this was a WGN commercial advertising its Chicago Bulls coverage during one of the Jordan “retirement” years in the early ‘90s. “Pax, BJ, Scottie, and Horace!” Hey, no love for Toni Kukoc? It’s nice when you discover that something that was a running joke then still is funny. Like the Bullets’ “You the Man” song, which I could post every day and very well may have. But this was more in doubt and more obscure.
- Time for Starbucks Chat! So tomorrow Starbucks is coming out with two kinds of banana smoothies. One is chocolate-banana, the other is orange-mango-banana. They’re a mix of milk, juice (the orange-mango one), a whole banana, ice, and whey protein powder. They actually taste pretty good IF you can get a good banana. (Bear in mind that I LOVE bananas and will eat anything with banana in it). If you order one, make sure to pick out your own banana. If you get a non-ripe banana, the whole thing tastes like non-ripe banana. The downside is that I don’t know what the price tag on these things goes. I’m guessing around a Frappuccino price, which is too rich for my blood. But if you have a free drink coupon or something, I suppose it’s worth a shot. Although I do find it interesting that after the supposed “rededication to coffee,” this is a non-coffee beverage. But at least it is a beverage and not books and CDs and shit.
- So apparently, given Hollywood’s propensity for having the same idea at the same time, two Sherlock Holmes movies have been greenlighted for production. More interesting, however, is that one of them will be directed by Guy Ritchie. I learned this the same week I found out he directed this Nike soccer commercial shown overseas. I legitimately didn’t know he still directed stuff. Good for him!
- So back when I saw Juno, I said that Michael Cera really needed to make sure his next role showed some sort of transition from playing George Michael in Arrested Development, Superbad, and Juno. Well, apparently that won’t be the case. Although whoever his co-star is here appears to be hot enough to encourage him to let himself be typecast.
- While out for a walk yesterday, I passed a woman whose shirt read, “Shakespeare Hates Your Emo Poems.” This is officially awesome.
- So while watching my friend’s Freaks and Geeks DVDs, which I’m about halfway through, I almost yelled out when I noticed that Karen from “The Office” (aka Rashida Jones) was on it for one episode. She played a female bully who wrote “Pygmy Geek” on Sam’s locker and put the moves on James Franco’s poorly accented character. Anyway, her character’s name was “Karen.” I wonder whether her character’s name on “The Office” was a reference to that or purely a coincidence. The last one I watched last night had a pre-pubescent Shia LeBoeuf in it as the former mascot with the broken arm. I also watched an episode on Saturday that had a cameo from Jason Schwartzman. I know this may come as a surprise, but I kinda wanted to punch his character in the face.
- Speaking of Freaks and Geeks alumni, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve gotten hooked on the consistently hilarious “How I Met Your Mother,” as you can probably tell from a handful of titles (like today). However, since I’m only seeing it in randomly selected repeat episodes, I haven’t quite pieced things together yet. I did find out how Ted, Lily, and Marshall all know each other (from college). And can see that Ted and Robin apparently dated at some point. But can someone help me out on how they know Barney and how Ted met Robin, if he was the first one to meet her? If there were enough people out there, this would be an Ask the Tourists question.
- I know this question is asked 100 days a day by bad standup comedians, but seriously, why call the pageant “Miss Universe” if all the contestants are from Earth? My best guess is that there was once a Miss World pageant and they were a knockoff competitor, but lasted. Was there ever one? Is there still? Oh, and the obligatory somebody kill me. (That song absolutely holds up).
- So as predicted a while back, they are allegedly working on a sequel to the Sex and the City Movie. Awesome. I can’t wait. I have a feeling the outfits and the delusions of fans won’t have aged any better in a couple years than they have at the celebrations in late May. However, on a serious note, if you are a Sex and the City fan, is this awesome, or does it cheapen the ending of the series and then the ending of the movie? This is why I’ve never wanted movies of my favorite TV. They had written endings on purpose, and redoing those endings seems kinda false to the show. Isn’t it a bit like the Brett Favre situation played out in a bad chick lit context?
- So apparently, in response to Oasis' criticism of Jay-Z's playing the Glastonbury Festival in England a week or two ago, Jay-Zed opened his set with an intentionally bad cover of "Wonderwall." Well, this would be officially awesome except that even "intentionally bad" still sounds better than the original.
- OK, I know this is just plain wrong, but if you put your face right up to the computer screen, you can see the mystery is actually Jessica Simpson’s teeth. But if you’re looking from a normal distance, it certainly looks like it could be … well, you know.
- Speaking of, apparently Pete Wentz is hosting some show on MTV involving videos. (I only know this because there was an ad for it in Rolling Stone). Because apparently, MTV viewers wouldn’t want to watch videos if Pete Wentz were somehow not involved?
- So apparently, VH1, whose stock trade is in former celebrities that most of us forgot existed, is developing a show with Luther Campbell. It appears he’s giving his kids advice? Maybe it will contain the secret as to why I can’t find an MP3 of “Asshole Naked” anywhere on the Internet.
- Speaking of VH1 shows, I bet Hulk Hogan is wishing he hadn’t done a whole cash grab about his family, now that his marriage is semi-kaput (unless that’s a publicity stunt). No one would have cared otherwise and he could have just stuck to hosting American Gladiators. Badly, I might add. Although American Gladiators is a lot funnier if you imagine the subtext of every one of his lines involving frustration over being cuckolded by a 19-year-old.
- Speaking of American Gladiators, I know I’m probably the only one who watches it, but seriously, what the fuck was wrong with just having normal people compete against each other? This time they’ve made each contest some sort of gimmick match like husbands and wives, police partners, really old people vs. really young people, people who’ve lost a shit-ton of weight, etc. It’s not only annoying, but it also usually results in mismatches. Like last week they had this 52-year-old woman competing against a 20-year-old. And sure, it was cool that she was doing it. But she fucking sucked. She was SO slow. I just want to see some goddamn competition in goofy events with hilariously bad trash talk, OK? The only time the gimmick worked was when they somehow came up with two hot cops. Gob would have been proud if they hadn’t been ladies.
- One thing I will give American Gladiators props for is they have one new event called “Sideswipe,” where contenders run across platforms while Gladiators swing on ropes and try to kick them off. It is absolutely the best event they have. Would you not want to watch people get kicked in the face by Gladiators swinging on ropes and falling in the water? Hell yeah! It’s officially awesome.
- So apparently Saturday was the annual Moon Amtrak Day in Laguna Niguel, CA, which is in The OCk. Apparently, once upon a time, the Mugs Away Saloon offered customers free beer if they would moon the Amtrak trains that pass by the bar, and somehow this expanded over the years into taking on a life of its own. Now it is the second Saturday in July every year. This is officially awesome.
- As most know, I will post pretty much any video that involves people dancing (unless it’s from a dancing show). So apparently this hilarious courting ritual took place in Cabo, although the odds that 8yearoldsdude and I might encounter such characters at the Starboard in Dewey Beach (which Scott Van Pelt recently plugged on his national radio show, which is made even more hilarious by his recorded exploits on the Dewey Beach circuit) are pretty significant. This would have been even better if it had been choreographed to Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself.”
- So Durkin’s, the bar outside near my apartment that I don’t meet the attractiveness standard to visit, had a sign up outside yesterday that had the Coors Light logo and said, “$3 You Call It.” I’m guessing it was just poor foresight on their part and that they had some leftover Coors Light promo signs and printed it on those. Because otherwise, I think your calling options are pretty limited.
- Speaking of poor signage, which may well be my legacy after Bend It’s over, this is a hard one to explain without a picture, but about a month and a half ago, a sign went up for a restaurant taking the place of where Calliope Café used to be. (I never went there, but I hear Dr. Torres from Grey’s was a fan). It had a blue background and said “The Parmigian (sic) Italian Food Fine Dining.” “The Parmigian” was on one line, “Italian Food” directly under it, and “Fine Dining” a little bit below. Then below it was a bad picture of some Italian food, I think. To this day, I have no idea what it was called. I jokingly called it “The Parmigian Italian Food,” though that could have really been its name. Anyway, the sign had worse graphic design skills than if I’d made it, and that’s saying a lot. When it opened, about a month ago, I walked by (I pass it on my way to NRS) and then menu at least was very lengthy, although a decent menu does not good Italian food make. But faster than even I would have guessed, when I passed last Friday, it had already closed. Maybe a month tops. I wonder exactly how much of that trainwreck was due to the sign? Seriously, people have to put some thought into what they’re putting out there. As much as I dislike pretension, if your sign makes your restaurant look like the result of a drunken bet, it doesn’t inspire people to give it a chance. I really need to make sure I take a picture of it before it gets taken down since I really can’t do it justice. Like Jem, it’s truly outrageous.
- And finally, speaking of confused advertising signage, a week ago I was driving to a friend’s potluck and passed a store in the Boystown section of Chicago called “Batteries Not Included.” OK, fine. However, an offset part of the awning read, “Home of the Bachelorette Party Store.” Huh? This implies a separate sales venue inside “Batteries Not Included.” Unless that’s the case, I think we may have a “House of Steakhouse” situation on our hands. Although I suppose this would be the place to look for the infamous “wang horns.”

Rap mags try and use my black ass. So advertisers can give 'em more cash for ads, fuckers! I don't know what you take me as. Or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has.

Arrrrr! Row! (TM Mighty Suarez)

2008-07-11T11:06:00.000-05:00

I may have mentioned this in the past, but "Mighty Suarez" was an occasionally brilliant comic in the school paper I wrote for in college about the adventures of a walrus at Georgetown. His catchphrase was, "Arrrrr!" Go figure that would work.

So apparently Robert's American Gourmet has made a pretty impressive living off of ribald all-natural snacks. The first I ever heard of this was back in 2002 while grocery shopping with Cardinal Dogboard at Trader Joe's. Off to the side of the wares of Trader Ming, Trader Jose, and Trader Giotto was a cardboard shelf of this snack called ...

Naturally, I busted out laughing for about five minutes. Then Cardinal Dogboard began telling a story about a World History professor overseriously lecturing about explorers looking for booty and being dumbfounded as to why students were laughing.

Anyway, I think I tried the stuff about a year later and it's actually quite good. I'm actually bummed they moved it to the organic section of Jewel because when I'm in a hurry, I forget it's there. I had no conception of the variations until a former Bend It correspondent hipped me to the fact that there also existed not only Veggie Booty, but the impressively over-the-line Fruity Booty. I have sadly never seen that sold anywhere to this point, but Trader Joe's, which would be most likely to stock the full array of Booty also isn't terribly convenient to me. They do stock Veggie Booty at Jewel now. However, I've had some at a Super Bowl party and it tasted like Shaquille O'Neal's ass. According to the company website, there are now both Barbeque Booty and Cocoa Booty. Though funny, neither really involves a blantant double-entendre.

Unlike, perhaps, when they showed up with ...

Not as funny as Fruity Booty perhaps, but they were showing expansion. And for a couple years, that seemed the extent of it. Until Tuesday. I was perusing the aisles at Jewel and came across...

Wow! I suppose that does finish the trifecta.

So where do they go from here? They seem to have essentially maxed out on male pirate anatomy. Unless they can think of a suitable equivalent to the pirate's taint. Maybe they could cross genders and come up with a Wench's line of snacks. I'm totally blanking right now on easy jokes. Apparently this morning my work will not be commended as strongly vaginal. While Robert's American Gourmet probably doesn't want to sell out, I suppose they could broker deals with some minor celebrities for new products. Perhaps they could rouse Soulja Boy, whose "career" is clearly done, to produce "Booty Meat." (Sorry, that was the only clip I could find that was available to all. I highly recommend listening to it only to fully appreciate exactly how awful it truly is). Then recruit Rusty Cundieff for a beverage line of "Booty Juice." Any ideas?

Have a great weekend!

Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby

2008-07-09T13:16:00.000-05:00

So I talk a lot about baseball, hockey, and football here at Bend It, and rarely do I take an opportunity to talk about my own sport, the one I actually played through college (hooray for being a non-scholarship program at the time!). Sure, that’s probably unfair, but how often do laypeople pay attention to swimming anyway? About once every four years. I’m sure if I did write a swimming blog, it would likely be very popular, given that every sport, even the “Olympic sports,” has its own rabid community. But that would take lots and lots of research and far less talking out of my ass.

So if anyone’s been semi-paying attention to the Olympic Trials – I know 8yearoldsdude is an Olympics guy much more so than myself – there’s been about three main stories I can think of. Michael Phelps. Dara Torres, and the new swimsuits themselves. I know this is unfair to Katie Hoff and Natalie Coughlin (who I’d still like to ask out) and many others, but I’m thinking if you ask your average sports fan who’s not opposed to sports outside of the 3 major sports leagues, but picks up a lot of their knowledge from the media. The "PTI Fan" as it were. I probably fit into that category pretty well myself except for loving hockey.

OK, before I get into the suits, which actually was my main topic, a probably more interesting one is Dara Torres winning the Olympic Trials at 41. Yes, I hope she’s clean too. I did hear yesterday that she's voluntarily taking part in a blood-testing program. But if you hear this story, over the past year she spent $100,000 to help keep herself in absolute peak physical condition, and apparently her family is understanding in all of this. But I have to wonder exactly how much of her success at this point is tied to the fact that she has $100,000 to spend on training and special doctors and masseuses. Yes, it does take that to compete with 20-year-olds, no doubt. But at what level is the difference between Dara Torres and her fellow 41-year-old former Olympic swimmers the fact that she has $100,000 of disposable income and maybe they don’t? I guess I should have been more cynical, but I didn’t think I’d see someone able to possibly buy a championship in an Olympic sport. As if she’s the New York Yankees of swimming. Sure, I don’t have the natural swimming talent that she does, but $100,000 would make me a much more successful writer.

OK, so the suits. The big deal in swimming right now is these new full-body suits for men and women that claim to have at least 10% less resistance than the previous incarnation. They contain multiple layers – one for speed on the outside and one for extra buoyancy on the inside (don’t ask me to explain how it works). They’re so tight that it takes a couple people to get someone into one. Yes, the ones making the big headlines are the Speedo versions, but other swimmers that have contracts with Nike and other companies say they have similar suits that aren’t getting as much press because Speedo is still the top name in swimming, and I suppose I’m inclined to believe them.

Anyway, world records are getting broken right and left and the big question in swimming right now is what to make of that, since in large part these times are an effect of the suit. Alberto Castagnetti, the Italian national team coach said of this, “It would be one thing if it was Michael Phelps setting all these records, but a lot of them have come from fifth- and sixth-ranked swimmers.” And I have to say he has a point. It totally devalues the heck out of a world record to know that it’s likely being set by a possibly inferior swimmer to the one who held it. Swimming, track, skiing, and speed skating (and other speed sports I’m not thinking of) would theoretically be the sports where one can try to stand against competitors of the past since they’re pure speed. In all other sports, there have been much more substantial changes either to the equipment (golf clubs, tennis rackets) or the game itself (more games in a season, 5-man rotations, designated hitters, shot clock). We’ll never know if Randy Johnson could strike out Babe Ruth because we’d have to dig him up, but if someone’s time is standing for years, that’s a lasting impact.

Of course, in speed sports too, not just swimming, it’s hard to know because athletes aren’t the same. There are differences in technology that aren’t as visible. Training methods, diets, track suits. But no uniform has as much impact is the swimsuit because water resistance is a much bigger deal than wind resistance. I’m already a couple of suit incarnations behind back when I swam. The deal then was “paper suits,” which were made out of … well, I’m not entirely sure, but were only good for a couple days. Then they came out with the knee length suits for guys, now these full-body deals, and times have really exploded. I have no idea whether that’s a good thing or not. I guess for competitors now, it has to be, whether we like it or not. Because if you’re striving to be the best, wouldn’t you want the best suit? Wouldn’t the International Swimming Federation legislating you into a competitive time warp completely undermine the entire goal of what you’re doing? I suppose they could make everyone wear board shorts, but then no one would ever break any records held and there wouldn’t be any ultimate goal to shoot for. Back when I covered youth swimming, I did a story that essentially proved that the “All-Star Qualifying Times,” the times that kids supposedly had to beat to get a chance to be in the All-Star Meet, were meaningless since I found out they take the top 16 swimmers regardless of whether they make the time or not (Yes, I rule). When I asked why they had them, then, the response I got was that it gives kids something to shoot for. And that makes sense. You don’t just want to beat your competition, you want to beat your best, somebody else’s best, somebody’s standard, whatever might be in front of you. And then you’d still have companies trying to make the fastest board shorts possible so people would buy them.

As a fan and as one who occasionally still thinks like a journalist, it’s not as much fun to have world records mean nothing. I remember from covering the All-Star swim meets, I didn’t want to see people win. That’s not a story. People breaking an old-ass record is a story. People winning a lot, well, that’s kind of a story. And right now it’s the best we’re going to get. Every swimmer will be relegated to their own individual context. Did you beat everyone that at your time and were your times the fastest at that point? Mark Spitz is regarded by many as the greatest swimmer of all time, but his records don’t stand any more. His lasting accomplishment is winning 7 gold medals and setting a world record in every event. We’ll never know who would win a butterfly face-off between him and Michael Phelps because he swam with the old-school Speedos. So I suppose that our speed sports really are no different than tennis and golf, where the guys with the wood rackets and clubs were great if they beat the other guys with the wood rackets and clubs. Or baseball where the guys without steroids were great if they homered off the other guys without steroids. Michael Phelps’ goal in the Olympics is to win 8 gold medals. That’s what he’ll be remembered for in history, since his times will get beaten with the next technological advance. It’s inevitable and understandable, but at the same time, from a historical perspective, still kind of a bummer, man. By the way, Dudes, tomorrow's already the 10th.

The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader. You've seen Star Wars 27 times. Do the math

2008-07-07T10:19:00.002-05:00

Some guy just pinched my ass. (Shove!). Drunken bums ain't got no class. (Shove!). The club says we won't get paid. (Shove!). It's been months since I've been laid. (Shove!). Get out of my way or I might shove. Get out of my way or I'm gonna shove! Time for Musings!

- Hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend. If you haven’t seen this already, check out this new 4th of July Muppets video. And who the hell is doing the voices of Stadler and Waldorf? They sound like … well, not themselves. And apparently the Jason Segal Muppets thing is a go. Sweet!
- I don’t really have any 4th stories for y’all. I spent mine here working on a rough draft of my assessment project in hopes that my professor might grace me with the presence of some feedback (I’m not a big fan), breaking out my friend’s Freaks and Geeks DVDs and wondering why the leader of a “rebel” posse in Michigan has a bad New York accent (Freaks and Geeks chat likely forthcoming at a later date), and volunteering at NRS (Yes, apparently people do call us on holidays). As things go, it wasn’t too bad if you take out the schoolwork.
- If you’re out on the street reasonable near the lake on a weekend, I’ve developed a new fashion game to play – Going To/From the Beach or Dressed Like a Hooker. The two are not mutually exclusive.
- So Saturday was Recursive Footnotes’ wedding (If you’re not interested in my friend’s wedding, just scroll down; I pick back up with usual Monday proceedings in a bit), which was a refreshingly informal occasion. As some might remember from IWasTheWalrus’ wedding a year or so ago, I definitely appreciate the downscaled proceedings. Not to mention the schedule. About 12-4. No break between ceremony and reception since it was all in the same place. They got married in a forest preserve. Set up chairs in a circle and had the small ceremony in the middle of that circle. Had a big tent set up with tables underneath for people to eat. Similar to IWasTheWalrus, they hooked up some rented speakers to an iPod. Set up park outdoor games around the grounds. I didn’t partake in any of the games since I had worked an opening shift at Starbucks before it, but it looked like there were a lot of kids and some adults enjoying them. With all the games and an ice cream sundae bar and bubbles, it was definitely the most kid-friendly wedding I’ve been to so far.
- In fact, the wedding wasn’t even a “wedding.” As I may or may not have mentioned in the past, the now Mrs. Footnotes was very into defying convention with this. In all the programs, it was referred to as a “family union.”
- Speaking of said programs and family unions, Recursive Footnotes’ last name starts with a “B” and Mrs. Footnotes (I fully appreciate the irony of calling her that since she didn’t take his last name, which I’m all for. I’m just being lazy on what to call her right now)’s last name starts with a “J.” And while I confess to having lost my program, so I can’t show you, the programs included a little logo with the letters “BJ FU.” There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- Another convention-breaking move was that no one officiated the wedding. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen that. But it logically makes perfect sense considering neither is religious and I guess they didn’t feel like paying a justice of the peace. Since you’re actually married once you get the marriage license, having someone officiate is just for show. Instead, they just had her godchildren read some stuff, said their handwritten vows, and gave each other rings, and did a cheer. Any announcements to the crowd assembled were handled by the wedding planner.
- So the weather was about 80 degrees and sunny, but it being an outdoor wedding in the summer, the chances of the weather being miserable like the outdoor wedding I attended back home where it was 100. Attempting to account for that possibility, the wedding party put fans on all the chairs. Only probably being that one of them actually worked. Apparently the glue that held the paper into the plastic left something to be desired and melted. So yeah, a device that was intended to alleviate one’s heat index was not properly equipped to withstand even modest warmth. The AQ and Kath show may have called this a freakish twist in your Kafkaesque nightmare.
- On the back of the programs were Bingo cards that had activities you could cross off like getting your picture taken with someone who has gone skydiving, playing a game of beanbag toss, dropping an awful pun in conversation, or doing an impression of your favorite animal for the bride’s table. If I had mine with me, I’d remember more. I don’t know what kind of prize you won if you got Bingo. As I said, I was pretty worn out, so the physical activity ones were asking a lot. I really should have done my chicken impression though. They also held a raffle for wedding guests. Both a $50 Amazon gift certificate and an iPod. Both of which I could use. (I have an iPod, but you could probably trade it for pretty awesome stuff or favors from people). I didn’t win. Which was a bummer since by virtue of my “date” canceling, I had double the opportunities to win.
- There’s not really a scandalous story there. I had invited a friend that just moved to town a week ago so she wouldn’t feel overwhelmed in a new city. Then Starbucks backed out on their alleged promise to schedule me to end my shift early and I couldn’t get anyone to cover me. So I told her to meet me at my Starbucks at the end of my shift and she bailed. Yeah, if one can’t get from the Loop to Starbucks via the L… Essentially, I gave her an out and she took it. That’s one saving face social convention that isn’t horrible. However, I did manage to extend my lifetime streak of never actually having a date to a wedding. Seriously. No, I haven’t been single during every wedding I’ve been to, but those weddings all happened to be out of town and it’s hard to score a guest invite to an out of town wedding. And we hadn’t been going out long enough that I’d feel comfortable with that anyway. Why did it not really occur to me to invite a friend to an in-town wedding until now? Good question. Maybe because people go to enough weddings as is that I would think why would they want to go to one of complete strangers?
- One somewhat wistful moment about the wedding had nothing to do with the wedding. Recursive Footnotes and his now-wife met the exact same day about 3 years ago as myself and a former girlfriend independently of each other. We even double-dated at least once. Everything was going really well in my own relationship until I completely misinterpreted a panic attack and from there mishandled the entire thing. As I say with a lot of relationships, seeing the two of them get married did make me wonder what might have been if I was capable of handling success myself.
- I will say I also appreciated the absence of elements that single guests might interpret as rubbing their being single in their faces. I know it’s not really intentional, but as I mentioned at the last wedding I was at, those things stack up if you catch people in the wrong mood. But yeah, no slow dancing, no bouquet toss, and the early start and end time didn’t create some people’s drunken scramble to find a “date” for the end of the night. Fine by me.
- In keeping with the picnic theme, they had picnic fare for the reception. Semi-gourmet focaccia (sp?) sandwiches, all of which I heard were pretty good. I had a turkey, havarti, and cranberry, which wasn’t bad. There was also roast beef, ham, and veggie. Three different salads – a pasta salad, a chicken and waldorf (sadly lacking Stadler) salad, and a green salad. I would love to know the recipe for the dressing on the green salad because it happened to be the absolute worst salad dressing I’ve ever had. It managed to be overly sweet on the front end and overly sour on the aftertaste. I’m making that Keystone “Bitter Beer Face” just thinking about it. And sweet potato and beet chips that were actually quite good. For dessert, they brought each table a different type of pie and then left it up to y’all to broker deals for pieces of other tables’ pies, which I thought was kinda awesome. Even if I didn’t get any blueberry. I did have some coconut cream, which was ours, and some banana cream. All that was missing was a peanut butter pie.
- Speaking of food, I made my first ever trip to the Taste of Chicago last Wednesday between classes. I’ve always stayed clear since in addition to being overpriced, it’s just supposed to be a massive cluster-[love-in] of a zoo of people, which would entail standing in line and feeling claustrophobic. But on a weekday around 11 AM, not too bad. There are advantages to no day job after all. I was just there for a quick lunch and really just to see what everyone was making. But I did get to grab some delicious samosas. On the samosas they put some green chili sauce and some kind of BBQ-tasting sauce, which was quite delicious. My question, to those who know Indian food better than I, is there some sort of Indian BBQ sauce, or was that just BBQ sauce I had on my samosa? No, they weren’t as good as the samosas I had in Winnipeg, but you take what you get.
- Time for the Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! As mentioned, Uggla is injured and hasn’t played in a week. But he’s apparently not on the DL. But nothing doing. Except that Uggla did make next Tuesday’s All-Star Game!!!!!! Hooray! He was chosen as a reserve behind Chase Utley.
- Hey, the Clippers signed Dhani Jones! Oh wait, that’s Baron Davis? Well, I can assure they didn’t sign Martin Lawrence. (TM Deadspin).
- In honor of the Euro 2008 soccer tournament (or more likely that it was on special), I had my first Carlsberg a couple weeks ago. It tastes a lot like Heineken.
- Speaking of, that Heineken “Peace Love, Peace Love, Peace Love …” commercial is having the exact opposite effect on me. I’m glad it’s not on every half inning during Cubs games.
- So apparently, last week the Christian news website One News Now referred to Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay as “Tyson Homosexual” while describing his 100-meters. So apparently this happened because the site has a filter that changes the word “gay” to “homosexual” without accounting for context. First of all, they suck since this is probably their way of taking jobs from copy editors. But more importantly, in the Christian news world, is “homosexual” less offensive to their sensibilities than “gay?” Now I legitimately want the answer to this. If you know some very conservative Christians, please ask them for me.
- So apparently there’s a new site called “Men Who Look Like Zach Braff.” Sure, it’s no “People Who Kinda Look Like Denny From Grey’s Anatomy,” but it is pretty damn funny. But I think they’re leaving out the douchebag factor. Personality goes a long way.
- Speaking of random Internetness, I came across this clip of a comedian named Pete Holmes doing an impression of Ray Romano singing pop songs. I kinda want some help because I can’t decide whether his impression is good or atrocious (or at the very least, certainly not good enough to make sketches out of). But I guess I have to give it its due just for its inclusion of a “No More I Love You’s” joke. That works on me every time. Kinda bailed out the sketch for me.
- So apparently, thanks to the huge success of the Sex and the City Movie (thanks again, people, for going to see that), they have revived efforts to create a Friends movie. Evidently, Jennifer Aniston had been the lone holdout before, and they were previously worried that she was too big of a star to reprise her TV role. And of course. After all, she is the star of the acclaimed film … oh, wait. Yeah, get the fuck over yourself. Well, except for the fact that I really have no desire for a Friends movie.
- Just so you guys know, you can stop sending me stories about Starbucks laying off 600 employees. Believe it or not, I do know this. Yes, just like 8yearoldsdude and I (mostly him) have both been saying, it’s a combination of the current conditions of less disposable income and Starbucks overplaying their hand opening stores. My store, smack in the middle of a residential neighborhood, has such a strong regular base of neighborhood customers that we’re doing just fine. My old store, however, was on the watch list back when I worked there 5 years ago. They’re in a corridor that has a bunch of bars and not many residences. And the bars are open when the store’s closed. See, that’s bad planning.
- OK, so this is my favorite story of the week. Apparently a high school student in London answered some sort of national (maybe?) essay exam by writing, “Fuck off” And to be honest, who among us hasn’t felt like doing that on an essay test? Anyway, the guy grading it, a Mr. Peter Buckroyd, gave the student 2 points. Because the two words were spelled correctly. According to Buckroyd, “It would be wicked to give it zero because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling.” However, the student apparently lost an additional point he would have received had his exclamation been punctuated correctly. This is officially awesome.
- Speaking of, thanks to Chicagoist for this one, I apparently shouldn’t be working with kids since I may lash out at them due to my grumpiness and bitterness. Well, actually all of that is likely true, but probably has nothing to do with my atheism. Can I get a t-shirt made with that graphic? This is fantastic.
- Continuing the awesomeness trifecta, the onus in this picture is supposed to be on the male Red Sox fan giving the finger. But that just washes off my back. Check out the pink hated chick apparently displaying her technique. She’s a two-hander! Don’t see that too often. I suppose maybe a congratulations are in order to her boyfriend, even if it is that guy giving the finger. Hey, did I ever mention that giving the finger is always funny?
- And finally (Huge Dork Alert!), after Spain’s victory in Euro 2008, they tried to obtain comment from the King of Spain. However, he was busy vacuuming the turf at Skydome.

But we thought he was gone. But he's come back again. Last weekend was funny, but now the jokes wearing thin. ‘Cause everyone knows now that every night now will be Steven’s last night in town.

Rest in peace, you old wrinkly dog

2008-07-04T10:52:00.002-05:00

Sure, I know it might seem a little off to be running this on the 4th of July, but seriously, what's more American than dogs and sports and one that brings universal joy to countless people? I know just doing the legwork for this brought quite the smile to my face, and hopefully it will to yours as well.

As I had mentioned Monday, Uga VI, the Georgia bulldog, passed away about a week ago. I didn't go to the University of Georgia, but as mentioned, I do have a soft spot for bulldog mascots, especially since we had one at Georgetown. But it goes without saying that Uga means infinitely more to the University of Georgia and its alumni and fan base than Jack does to us. For starters, there are infinitely more alumni of a Southern state university than there are from Georgetown. Secondly, and likely most importantly, SEC sports is a big deal that's beyond my comprehension. Honestly, SEC football fans, like a lot of college football fans, kinda scare me. However, putting all that passion and intensity into loving Uga, now that's a cult of adoration that probably knows no other. Finally, we didn't even have a bulldog at Georgetown for years until 1998 when a student organization raised money to buy one.

Anyway, while not the oldest mascot at all (Uga apparently started in the 1950s). Uga likely symbolizes the University of Georgia more than anything or anyone else symbolizes their university in the entire country. In 1997, Sports Illustrated named Uga (then Uga V) the country's best mascot, and who can really argue with that? Uga makes countless promotional appearences for the school (Uga's owner, Sonny Seiler, apparently gives all the money to the university), and people show up to see him. I would. (If you want to read about a typical day in the life of Uga VI, check this out). Apparently everyone in Georgia wants to mate their dog with Uga; it's a tremendous honor. Uga V was even in "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." And was probably the best part of it. (Bear in mind that I'm somewhat biased).

At Georgia football games, his most famous venue, Uga gets to hang out in an air-conditioned doghouse (to be pictured later) and lie on bags on ice, since bulldogs don't do too well with the heat. A Georgia alum once complained to me that Uga gets treated better than they do. Well, of course he does. Are you the face of the school? I've been known to put on Georgia home games just in hopes that Uga will be on. My highlight is when he barks at the game. He's cheering! He's frequently smiling. And wouldn't you be if you were Uga?

Anyway, how about checking out a bit of Uga in action. Here he is around the house in Savannah, where he normally lives. It's actually a few hours from Athens, where the university is. I'd actually like to now how the Seilers, who apparently have had all the Ugas, worked out the deal with the university. If anyone knows or can tell me, it would be greatly appreciated. At this past Sugar Bowl in New Orleans, one TV station sent a reporter to visit Uga in his hotel room in New Orleans. Part of me initially wondered how the guy feels about his career at this point, but then I remember that's probably a prestigious assignment. Plus, it's probably tons of fun. I'd much rather be getting licked by Uga than standing at the scene of another traffic accident. Here's Uga warming up for the game by rolling in the end zone. Yeah, it's veritable cuteness overload. And here he is barking at the Georgia-Florida game this past season.

How about a small gallery of Uga in all his wrinkliness!

"Icy Ice!" (TM Oriole Park at Camden Yards Lemon Chill vendor)

Extreme Close-Up! WHOOOOAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Wrinkles in your face!

Hold me back! I'm ready to go out there and tackle someone!!

A promotional photo? You mean I have to stand still? This sucks! How long do I have to keep smiling?

House of Uga > House of Buggin'

Seriously, if you don't have a smile on your face right now, I may have to question your humanity. Either that or you had a traumatic encounter with a bulldog as a kid.

Apparently, they will announce decently soon which of Uga VI's numerous offspring will be named Uga VII. I hope it's a puppy; that would be super-awesome. Anyway, there's really only one proper way to honor the spirit of a great American wrinkly dog. If you encounter a bulldog this lovely holiday weekend (I met a 10-week-old bulldog puppy at the Taste of Chicago on Wednesday), give him or her the greatest compliment one can give a bulldog (and probably the only time this might be a compliment to anyone): "Look how wrinkly you are!!!!"

Who put lemonade in my lemonade? (TM WC Fields)

2008-07-02T14:56:00.000-05:00

I’m not sure if this is serious enough to qualify for “Am I a Bad Person,” but it definitely seems like a good time to explore one of the more awkward social transactions that takes place among strangers.

So about a week ago, I had mentioned a couple kids out on a Tuesday afternoon attempting to sell lemonade. As I said, not great business practice, but admire the effort. Anyway, they were back out a few days later at a more opportune time and I found myself crossing the street to avoid passing them. I instantly felt like a pretty substantial asshole for doing so. As I mentioned last week, it’s one of those things that every kid may do at some point in their life after seeing on TV or reading it in a book. I know I did once, and let me tell you, a suburban dead-end street is not a great venue for selling things. So as someone aspiring to work with children, pending my shaking off my present motivational crisis, wouldn’t it be the right thing to do by contributing a dollar and a smile to these kids’ day?

Well, I can’t say that I’ve been necessarily performing at the peak of my potential lately, and I was reasonably certain that I didn’t have any singles. But that’s just a cop out on the money, especially when I realized the next day that I did have singles after all and felt even more stupid. There was really no excuse other than that I didn’t feel like buying anything and I would rather cross the street to avoid the awkward social transaction of saying no to people asking you to buy or contribute something.

Now that I think about it, I’m pretty consistent in this general avoidance of these situations in general because they make me uncomfortable. If I have a route that can bypass a Streetwise (local homeless magazine) vendor, I’ll usually take it. And feel kinda bad because the homeless deserve my money more than I do, but I don’t want to give it to them and I’d prefer not to engage in a social interaction that says just that. I also get nervous when kids are selling candy bars on the street for some alleged youth sports organization or youth program. My future job, if it materializes, will involve promoting such organizations, if they’re real, since time spent there beats the hell out of a lot of other places kids could be. And I feel bad for feeling cynical in thinking that I really don’t know where that money’s going and whether they’re just trying to bullshit me. Which is why I always say no. But feel pretty bad about it. Not bad enough to change my mind, but still bad. I don’t give money to people asking me for change either. I used to and then I started thinking about who am I playing God to decide that one person on one day is worthy of a donation and someone else on another day isn’t? I’d rather donate money to a food bank or homeless charity. However, when I pass people and am saying no, I still feel guilty. Saying, “Sorry, but I did donate such amount to the Chicago Food Bank,” doesn’t really relieve the situation. Basically, I just feel bad about saying no to conceivably nice people trying to sell things for a conceivably good cause.

Should I? While people selling or asking for donations in the in-person equivalent of cold calling, or cold calling itself, are relying on a spirit of generosity, the tactic is also relying on one’s tendency to avoid uncomfortable situations. It is, to some degree, easier to buy a candy bar or Streetwise or donate to whoever’s calling you than it is to say no, to try to hustle someone aggressive off the phone, and thereby feel that discomfort, maybe a little shame, partially frustration with yourself, and to have to live with their gaze. The way that people look at you after you’ve said no to them. Funny thing is, unless you have explicit verbal confirmation that they’re pissed, that look that we feel is almost completely of our own construction. We feel that look because we’re uncomfortable with ourselves and our own decision and that’s us looking that way at ourselves.

So does it make me a bad person for avoiding some kids’ lemonade stand? That’s probably only up to me. Should I stop and pay a dollar or so for some Country Time lemonade mix just to try to hopefully show kids that strangers can be nice people? Yeah, probably. If I can just get my head out of my ass for a second and bypass the tunnel vision that I mistakenly apply when I’m in school, because inability to multitask my life has and is going to have serious negative consequences. But more importantly, rather than just take my lemonade and go, I should take a couple minutes and talk to the kids selling it. That’s the real way to show that strangers can be nice people. They probably have interesting lives and stuff going on right now. I do it when I’m working at Starbucks; I should owe it to people to do it when I’m on the other side of the counter.

It's going to be LEGEN... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second part is...DAIRY

2008-06-30T12:00:00.005-05:00

Windshield wipers, whether you like it or not. I gotta get away, but I don’t wanna move the spot. Don’t be dumb. You’re so dumb. I wish I didn’t love you. You know I wanna get some. I’m going to Philadelphia. That’s where I fell for ya. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Can I get some? Bang the drum! Time for Musings!

- So 8yearoldsdude actually told me about that song a bunch of years ago, and it’s steadily grown on me over those years. The reason I’d never used it on Bend It until today was that for all I’ve looked, the lyrics don’t exist online. So I finally just said, “Fuck it, I’ll try to decipher them.” So if I’m wrong, let me know.
- So I have actual Bend It baby confirmation news for y’all. Apparently Baby Zekers was born June 19, a week and a half after the due date. I found out last Tuesday. Apparently, he was not born with bunny ears. Speaking of, I asked if he had met Zeke the bunny and Zekers said that Mr. Zekers had patted Baby Zekers’ head with Zeke the bunny’s foot and that both parties enjoyed it. Lucky rabbit’s foot! I won’t post any pictures since they didn’t want them online, which I completely understand. I will say that Baby Zekers’ real name is the name of a character in one of my favorite movies and it will be very difficult to not quote a line invoking that character’s name that does involve one of the seven words you can’t say on television (or in front of babies) when I see him. Anyway, congrats!!!!!!!!
- As cycles of life begin, we all return to the earth. Or something. Anyway, very sad news over the weekend that Uga VI, the Georgia bulldog, passed away from heart failure. As some of you know, despite having no connection to the University of Georgia, Uga has been quite popular here on Bend It as I find him endlessly entertaining. I’ve had a soft spot for bulldog mascots and bulldogs in general since being buddies with the previous incarnation of Jack the Bulldog my senior year at Georgetown. I get tremendously excited when I see bulldogs on the street and will invariably try to wrinkle them. Anyway, I will give advance warning that the odds of an upcoming tribute to Uga VI are quite high.
- I don’t know if this has happened to anyone else, but I’ve kinda been going through a malaise the past few weeks, likely related to having class this summer. Between the doubled-up schedule and the intensity of one of the classes, I’ve been doing a lot more schoolwork than I expected (I feel like I say that every semester so far), and it’s kinda been getting me down. I haven’t really felt connected and into school at all. I’m really hoping it’s just because it’s the summer and I’d rather be enjoying myself and not symptomatic of a greater dissatisfaction. Anyway, anyone else who’s gotten stuck with summer classes as part of their program, is this natural?
- So last week was also melancholy for me, not just because school’s been getting me down, but also because Will Leitch’s departure as editor of Deadspin was actually affecting me. I will say that last week’s festivities, however, were tremendous. Between Will’s retrospectives and the celebrity testimonials from some who have taken their share of mockery, it was pretty outstanding. The high point, perhaps, being Thursday, when Bill Simmons and Scott Van Pelt both earned a lot of respect from a lot of readers for chiming in and having a good sense of humor about themselves. I wonder, given Deadspin’s occasionally contentious history with ESPN, whether or not there are any repercussions. Anyway, I highly recommend going back to last week and checking it out. The proceedings even prompted a phone call from IWasTheWalrus to discuss it, which made me proud since I think I may have been responsible for introducing him.
- It’ll be an interesting transition period to see what happens. Surprising nobody, AJ Daulerio was made honcho, but I was surprised to see they managed to lure Clay Travis from CBS Sportsline to help along with assistant editor Rick Chandler. From stuff he’s done for Deadspin and that they’ve linked to, he should be a good addition. They also signed Drew Magary to some sort of larger capacity, which is likely also a good move. The addition of extra staff kinda seems to legitimize the fact that Deadspin really is an industry. I’ll be interested to see what direction AJ Daulerio takes. While most of the stuff he’s written for Deadspin and Black Table before that were mostly shock value, he does apparently have a solid journalistic background and judging from his interview series with different sportswriters, has strong interview skills and a lot of contacts. It’s also interesting because ESPN absolutely hates him since the whole Stuart Scott “Lemme Know” text message story from the Super Bowl a year and a half ago, so I wonder what that relationship will become.
- Granted, I know the square root of jack shit about New York Magazine, which is where Will Leitch is going, and my initial reaction was, “Why would that be a better job?” I guess writing features for a magazine probably breeds a different schedule rather than having to be at the computer all day typing furiously to get things out and put together in a short amount of time. That conceivably could cause some burnout. But as I thought about it yesterday evening, it occurred to me that he probably has additional ambitions of writing outside sports. Not that writing outside sports is better than writings sports. Rather if one had varied interests, it would seem reasonable to want to address all of them eventually. At some level, he’s reached his ceiling with Deadspin – starting with nothing to become the face of sports blogging in addition to generating a book from it, which is probably where the real money is. He likely has book ideas stored up that he’ll need another lifestyle and set of connections to achieve, and in that way, this move makes sense for him. The outstanding ironic thing about it is that what spurred me to look at it this was discovering that the Vanity Fair story on Stephen Glass which was adapted into the film “Shattered Glass,” which I was watching the other evening, was written by none other than H.G. “Buzz” Bissinger. I may not agree with his take on blogging versus traditional journalism or the way he chose to express it, but he’s unquestionably talented and has used that talent to write on a multitude of diverse topics. I’m not saying Will Leitch is the next Buzz Bissinger, just that there’s probably a lot more in common there than meets the eye.
- One thing that really stood out for me among the testimonials from commenters Friday afternoon was one guy who said, “I’m just glad I found a place where I could talk soccer without being called a commie [derogatory term for a homosexual]. And yeah, that’s really one of the things I enjoy about it. Sports that may not get a ton of run in the “mainstream media,” there are at least other fans fired up about it who will discuss it. I’ve learned a ton about soccer from Deadspin. I love that there’s a fiery hockey contingent that will cut the next person that writes, “Hoc-key?” Especially since I love hockey myself. I enjoy getting to see people fired up about stuff I may not be a huge fan of. I read all the college football stuff just to see the fans’ passion. Anyway, say what you will about the tone and the often frustrating misogyny and homophobia from commenters, and I will from time to time, but as a sports site, it’s really a safe place, which is fantastic.
- If you’re wondering about my hijacking this for a while, this whole Deadspin transition stuff was going to be its own post last Friday, but I ran across more time issues. Really the only extended writing time I have is Sunday afternoons, which is generally why there’s so much stuff today that could be its own post.
- So, I don’t actually care about this story at all, but who ever thought that in the grand scheme of things, Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella would be better rappers than Shaq?
- Also, when reading the story initially on ESPN.com, was anyone else surprised that the expletive used in, “Kobe, how my [expletive] taste?” was actually “ass?”
- Time for the Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! In school they all stop and stare. I can't hide my tears but I don’t care. I'll never forget him, the Uggla of the pack. (Vroom! Vroom!). I wonder to what extent Uga and Uggla’s fortunes are inextricably tied. Saturday, the same day that Uga VI passed away, our hero sprained his ankle against the Arizona Diamondbacks. He left the game and was out yesterday with a trip to the DL likely. Before the injury, he went 3-15 with 0 doubles, 0 home runs, and 1 RBI this past week, meaning he has Ugglaed his way back to .289 with 24 doubles, 1 triple, 23 home runs, 58 RBIs, and 1 stolen base. But I have a bad feeling we may not be seeing him for a little while. Have a speedy recovery, Uggla!
- Stone Cold Kerry Wood enjoys the Cubs getting swept by the White Sox (and looking BAD in the process) about as much as I did. Giving the finger is still always funny.
- So I was actually in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade. For about 5 blocks. I live right near the parade route and chilled out for about an hour waiting for the National Runaway Switchboard entry to roll by and walked with them for a few blocks, despite not having their official shirt on. I did have an NRS shirt on in hopes this was what would happen. I can’t say I have any fantastic stories. The funniest think for me was seeing a float that read “GAY MC HENRY” and thinking that was a pretty interesting stage name. As the float went by, and I saw it was one of the few not actually playing dance music, I realized they meant “McHenry, Illinois.” In addition, the Caribou Coffee float, wasn’t so much of a float as a car, but did have a guy dressed up in a caribou suit. Which was officially awesome. I did however, miss Spain’s only goal in the Euro 2008 championship.
- So I tried to time my workout yesterday to the first half of said Spain-Germany game by showing up at the gym about 10 minutes before it was listed for TV. So at 1:30 CDT, what do I actually get? It wasn’t soccer. There are people running around in scary costumes releasing balloons. And someone singing that looked like John Stamos. Maybe Uncle Jimbo and Ned from South Park rigged the stadium to blow up. Anyway, what the hell? And I mean that in a general way. I can’t make a Euro joke out of this because the Super Bowl has a fuck-ton of bullshit before the game. And this is just a smaller scale of the same bullshit that somehow encompasses 5 hours of the Olympics on the first day. So here’s my question. Is there some sort of ideal that a major sporting event can only be a major sporting event if there’s a bunch of period-piece costume drama (otherwise known as “pageantry”) before it? What’s the point? Does anyone turn on Euro 2008 for the balloons and costumes? I’d guess most people are just plain annoyed and would wish the game would start. So why do these presentations happen? My default guess would be something corporate, but I wonder what that deal entails and how it’s made.
- Apparently Spain’s success in Euro 2008 was disastrous for business at Spain’s annual International Erotic Film Festival. There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- Speaking of Spanish people, so for a long time there’s been a golfer named Jose Maria Olazabal. And I’ve always thought that was weird. It would be like if my middle name were “Jennifer.” (Note: Senor Beavis’ middle name is not “Jennifer”). So then I was watching Wimbledon and Venus Williams was playing some chick named Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez. So is there some Spanish tradition involving these two names – the biblical pair of Mary and Joseph? Is it some tradition involving mother and father’s names? Someone here has to know.
- So apparently former SNL performer Chris Kattan got married over the weekend to some sort of model. Anyone else surprised? I don’t mean this as any kind of insult, but I had always thought he was gay.
- So apparently this Pineapple Express movie, the latest Apatow Players venture, which just looks like an hour and a half of needless pot jokes, but may also be funny at the same time, used to include Senor Beavis favorite Olivia Thirlby as Seth Rogen’s girlfriend, but she was mysteriously fired and replaced with Amber Heard, whoever she is. For shame, David Gordon Green. Especially after you directed her in “Snow Angels.” Unless it wasn’t your call. Anyway, the movie may still be an hour and a half of needless pot jokes and may still be funny, but it will be one Olivia Thirlby less hot and awesome.
- Speaking of awesome, time for a Bend It Movie Review! So I watched the movie “Stranger Than Fiction” last week. There’s always a fine line for me on movies that deal in “whimsy” in terms of endearing vs. infuriating. This one landed squarely on the good side. Starting off right at the beginning with the little figures and figures made out of his figures appearing around him on screen. I was like, “I kinda like this. This is a good sign.” I don’t watch a ton of romantic comedies anymore since it’s generally clichéd crap. However, I really did appreciate a romantic comedy being outwardly self-aware about the conventions involved in romantic comedy and playing it not only for laughs, but also for story development. The scenes between Will Ferrell and Dustin Hoffman were all fantastic. Speaking of Will Ferrell, at some level this seemed like his “Punch Drunk Love” in that he really showed a wide range of talent that makes you question why he keeps making the same pseudo-sports movie over and over just with different sports. He did a great job. Some great food porn thrown in the middle with Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character describing all the cookies she made for her study groups. I don’t say this too often when reviewing movies, but their first kiss was fucking hot despite the cliché of his playing guitar for her. Speaking of guitars, the scene where Emma Thompson was narrating his search for a guitar was my favorite in the movie. Anything meta on the creation of art is really taking a gamble on being obnoxious, but I thought this really worked in terms of exploring the connections one feels with the characters they create after working with them for so long. And does one feel an obligation to treat a character better. Does a character deserve better than what they may be getting, and what to do about that? I haven’t written a lot of fiction, but when I was writing sketches for Second City Class, sometimes things didn’t turn out the way I intended them because it didn’t seem in keeping with whom that character really was. Anyway, I knew very little about the movie going in, and wound up loving it. I would recommend highly.
- And finally, from ESPN.com’s headline from the U.S. Olympic Trials: “Hooker wins 100-meter qualifier in 10.76 seconds.” There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.

It's a shoreline. It's high speed. It's a cruel world. It's time. It's coming, it's coming in hard. It's coming, it's coming in hard.

Whereas without batting an eye, a man will refer to his "d***," or his "rod," or his ...

2008-06-27T17:22:00.000-05:00

Apologies for being 14 yet again, but seriously, this has yet to not be funny. Is this the most hilariously self-aware bratwurst manufacturer or just fantastically oblivious? "Heaven on a bun?" That's just the icing on the cake. I didn't even notice that until just now.

Anyway, is this a national product or just a Midwest thing? I also can't speak for their quality since I'm not a fan of bratwurst, so maybe someone can confirm or deny their alleged heavenliness.

Goes great with a bottle of Dogfish Head beer no doubt.

/shows self out

Wreckin' shop when I drop these lyrics that'll make you call the cops

2008-06-25T15:44:00.001-05:00

So I can’t remember the last time we’ve done any Bend It Legal Chat. There probably was a time, right? Much like, “It’s Business Time,” it marks a good way for me to embarrass myself what with the people out there knowing infinitely more than myself. It’s been long enough now that pretty much the only thing I remember from 2 months of law school is that if you take another job, give your present job notice and your prospective new employer decides to rescind their offer for no reason whatsoever, you can’t sue them. (Well you can, just you’ll lose). Semi-ironic that this is what would stick with me, given my termination-happy employers after I dropped out of law school. Anyway, I suppose I should come up with a silly name for legal proceedings to be consistent. How about “That Ain’t Legal Either" (TM Lebowski).

I can’t guarantee this will be interesting to anyone, since it has to do with something in one of my classes, but what the hell? Time for That Ain’t Legal Either!

So in my Ethics and Law in School Psychology class, which despite its alleged dryness is much less slow than my assessment class (3 hours in a tiny room with no windows with less discussion of the assessment measures themselves than would probably be fair? No thanks), I got to read this landmark 1976 CA Supreme Court case – Tarasoff v. Regents of University of California. Now is where I should just turn this over to Cardinal Dogboard and Sleepless in San Luis, but I’ll do the best I can. The major implication of the decision is a psychologist’s duty to warn others of his or her client’s specific threats against a specific person.

The story starts off with a pretty typically normal scenario. Grad student Prosenjit Poddar has a decent amount of emotional investment in some chick named Tatiana Tarasoff, who may or may not have been a fellow student. Then, as A Tribe Called Quest so eloquently put it, “You ask can you kick it. She says you can't stick it.” (By the way, the extent to which that album holds up is fantastic). Then she leaves the country for Brazil, hopefully not to work for Central Services. Poddar goes through a depressive breakdown as a result of the rejection. To his credit, though, he does take himself to therapy. His therapist, Dr. Lawrence Moore, diagnoses him as schizophrenic. In his therapy sessions, Poddar apparently declares his intent to kill Tatiana Tarasoff when she returns from Brazil. Dr. Moore and a couple colleagues try to have Poddar at least temporarily committed, but thanks to some confusion over a new commitment procedure law, call the campus police instead of the city police. (I don’t really understand commitment procedures, and also don’t know what training campus police had, but this at least seems like a bad idea with good intentions). The campus cops interview Poddar and he’s perfectly lucid, not having any kind of schizophrenic episode, and he promises to leave Tarasoff alone, and the campus cops let Poddar go. Poddar got pissed off and terminated therapy. Dr. Moore still wanted to have him committed, but his boss, Dr. Harvey Powelson, orders him to cease and desist attempts at commitment and to destroy his confidential notes. Poddar moves in with Tarasoff’s brother to gain access to her, and when she returns from Brazil, he stabs her to death. The 1969, when this happened, version of Deadspin may have used the “STABBY!” tag when addressing this story. He was initially convicted of second-degree murder, but the ruling was reversed due to faulty jury instruction, and Poddar returned to India where he allegedly continued his life with significantly less murder. Consequently, the Tarasoff family sued the school.

So in the suit, the complaint was that the treating mental health professionals had been negligent in not committing Poddar and failing to warn Tarasoff of the threat against her. I think the campus police were also implicated as well. The court held that the treating professionals were not negligent in failure to commit Poddar nor were the campus police negligent in their conduct. However, the mental health professionals were liable for failing to warn Tatiana Tarasoff of the specific threat against her. While the defense argued that mental health professionals cannot be reasonably expected to “predict” violence by their clients, the ruling held mental health professionals to the same standard as physicians in that they must often make diagnoses and predictions based upon such evaluations, especially since psychiatrists are medical doctors themselves In subsequent cases, there was no duty to warn intended victims present if there was no specific victim mentioned. For instance, in 1980’s Thompson v. County of Alameda, a juvenile offender declared that he would kill someone when he was released from his facility, and when released, he gave someone the SVU treatment. However, the court in this case ruled that there was no specific duty to warn since no victim was clearly apparent. One is not responsible for putting an entire community on notice. Unless you’re Larry Moon in “Little Children.”

Anyway, as a future school psychologist (we hope), this standard isn’t incompatible with what I’d find appropriate, since I would consider myself to have a special responsibility for students of the school and there are more limits to confidentiality in schools. (Well, the latter occasionally sucks, but there’s nothing I can really do about that and kinda have to eat it). Warning a student that a fellow student has a specific plan to injure them conceivably wouldn’t be that difficult since students are usually in the school building, and if not, all contact info is stored in the school office.

So here’s what does really bother me about this. It’s possible I may be way off base here, or getting bogged down in details and missing the big picture, which I occasionally do, so feel free to set me straight. I think this sets an unreasonable standard for professionals treating private clients. Given my extreme disappointment over the lack of counseling involved in School Psychology (which may be connected to my lack of full comprehension of the job when I applied to school), I’ll likely work on getting a separate degree that allows me to see private clients. While there was confusion about commitment procedures, Dr. Moore did call the campus police and was still held liable for failure to warn. What the hell? I don’t know about you, but if a client unveils elaborate plans to murder a distinct third party, what’s the first call I’d want to make? I mean, isn’t the police motto “To protect and to serve?” Conceivably, the police would be much better qualified to warn and protect that third party than I would. If contacting law enforcement is not sufficient action, then why have law enforcement professionals? Requiring direct contact with the intended victim seems not only somewhat vigilante-like, but also requiring my job duties to incorporate someone else’s. Yeah, I don’t really want to see the next few clients. I’d rather impersonate Whoopi Goldberg in “Ghost,” and be all, “You in danger, girl!” (By the way, that movie totally doesn’t hold up at all).

In addition to what may constitute an unfair responsibility, this ruling does not sufficiently describe what actually would qualify as a sufficient attempt to warn an indented victim. In this case, the victim was out of the country at the time of the threats and would have been difficult to reach. It is likely that the intended course of action would have been to inform her family on her behalf. However, what steps would need to be taken if a mental health professional cannot successfully contact the intended victim’s next of kin? At the very least, the psychologist would have to present his or her own phone records documenting attempts to contact the victim and victim’s family. This seems like a great deal of extra effort that would distract significant time from the well-being of the psychologist’s other clients. In addition, what if the victim has an unlisted phone number? The next step, ironically, would likely be to contact the police to ask for identifying information. If I remember correctly, my chosen profession at the moment is School Psychologist, not private detective. Where’s Veronica Mars when you need her? (Once again, fuck you, CW!). Furthermore, with no official standard of warnination, wouldn’t that produce a plethora of unnecessary lawsuits that could be prevented by some professional guidelines? Maybe not, since this decision is 32-years-old.

I just find this nebulous responsibility pretty troubling. Not because I’m gung-ho to shirk responsibility, but at some level, if you go into accounting, would you appreciate being told, “Oh yeah, you also have to know the Flying-V Stitch that Cristina and Burke were doing on Grey’s.” Maybe instead of more assessment classes, we could have one on phone tapping and tailing people. Actually, that sounds kinda awesome. Maybe this School Psychology thing might be more awesome than I thought. Maybe I need to watch a few less shows on USA. Characters welcome, y’all.

No, I don’t know what it is, but I bet I can add up all the change in your purse very fast

2008-06-23T12:49:00.000-05:00

I WILL. Here we go, yeah I know how to get it. I WILL. Got no code and I won't impose the limits. I WILL. Get so low and I wanna wallow in it. I WILL. So keep your girlfriend. Keep your girlfriend. Keep your girlfriend away from me. Keep your girlfriend away from me. Time for Musings!

- Mass apologies. I don’t think I’m actually qualified to write this. While I may be a “self-important douche,” I lack the requisite skateboard and Boston Red Sox beret. I hope you can live to forgive me. (And yes, I likely could not possibly be more sick of mainstream media vs. bloggers meta-hand-wring-navel-gazing. No wonder Will Leitch is leaving Deadspin. He’s probably just sick of getting asked about it).
- So apparently this US Magazine-employed Heidi Montag person has the same name as the main character from ‘Fahrenheit 451.” There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- So last Tuesday, I’m walking to the L to run some errands and I see two kids outside their townhouse with a table set up to sell lemonade. That’s all well and good; it’s a veritable rite of passage. At least of days gone by. However, you gotta question their judgment. It’s 2 PM on a Tuesday. Most people are at work. Now 5 PM when people are getting off the L in mass numbers, great time for it. But not 2. Come on, kids; that’s just bad business.
- Now speaking of good business, so maybe that awful mistake on the Caribou Iced Coffee I ran on Friday was intentional to draw attention. At least that worked on me. I found it so damn funny that I actually bought one. For $1 it was fine and a decent afternoon beverage. I don’t honestly care if that makes me a bad Starbucks employee. Theirs is expensive as all hell.
- So I know, what were the odds on my mentioning “America’s Got Talent,” which I didn’t even know was still on? But Friday I get this email from Yed Ped linking a performance on said alleged show. I was like, “Why the fuck are you sending me this? You really must be pissed at me for making fun of the Mets.” He was like, “No, watch the video.” It was the dancing trombone player from Yed Ped’s wedding! Not only that, but what the fuck is up with Yed Ped and his sudden TV connections? Who would have known that very minor TV celebrities this dude and Ryan Scott (he of the famous “Ryan Scott tailgate”) would be at the same wedding? I think it’s somehow destiny that Yed Ped is the one to introduce me to Kristen Bell.
- Well, speaking of the Mets, the Curse of Rick Astley has claimed its first official victim as the Mets fired their manager, Willie Randolph, last Monday. After midnight. The entire way across the country. The Mets claimed they didn’t want to fire him on Father’s Day, so they flew him to Anaheim and then fired him. If you’re going to get fired, I think being fired on Father’s Day is a fair trade for not having to take a 5-hour flight of shame back to New York. Unless he really hates his family and wanted a vacation. In that case it would have been cool. Like when I came back from a trip to CA to do job interviews and got laid off my first day back. If they’d just let me go while I was in CA, I would have harangued a few more places about jobs. Sadly, the Mets are playing a little better the past few days? I’m really rooting for them to tank just so this whole Curse of Rick Astley thing gains some traction. Except when they play the Yankees.
- Speaking of, I can’t believe I’m actually wasting space on this, but Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner threw a hissy-fit when his best pitcher Chien-Ming Wang (yes, still funny) seriously injured himself running the bases against the Houston Astros. Steinbrenner said that pitchers hitting and running in the National League was outdated, except he said it slightly less eloquently than I did. The quote has sparked debate anew about the use of the DH in the American League vs. not in the National League. Personally, I like having the pitchers hit because when the pitcher gets a hit, you can make fun of the other team like crazy. (Unless it’s Carlos Zambrano or Micah Owings). But how fucking shortsighted is this monkeyfucker? Pitchers still have to run to field their position, cover first, and back up throws? Would he have the pitcher fall through a trap door onto a bed of pillows like in “The Prestige?”
- Speaking of pitchers getting hits, check out C.C. Sabathia, an AL pitcher, going yard against the Dodgers. It’s hard to tell, since the video sucks, but that ball was killed. Apparently, it went about 430. I’m sure if he played for the Yankees, Hank Steinbrenner would be running his mouth about how both leagues should have pitchers bat.
- Time for the Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! Uggla can guide a missile by satellite. By satellite. By satellite. And Uggla can hit a target through a telescope. Through a telescope. Through a telescope. (Yes, I have that song stuck in my head. No, I’m not happy about it. Although my personal version is probably not fit for public consumption). Much like Jhirmack beautiful hair, Uggla had a big bounce-back week going 9-25 with 1 double, 4 home runs, and 9 RBIs. He's now Ugglaed his way back up to .294 with 24 doubles, 1 triple, 23 homers, 57 RBIs, and 4 stolen bases. Riding a bike with no handlebars, however, probably violates the terms of his contract. Unless he says he was “washing his truck.”
- I’m going to take the relative high road about the Cubs sweeping the White Sox over the weekend. It was nice to see them show resiliency on Friday after eating the D in Tampa. The Cubs are much better at home than the road, so I’m not sure how much of a judgment we can make between the two teams until they play at Comiskey this weekend. Although I think Aramis Ramirez should have capped off his 4 home run weekend by sleeping with Ozzie Guillen’s wife. Ozzie’s so consumed with Jay Marriotti, he probably forgets he’s married.
- Speaking of, so this video of a car commercial featuring “rapping” Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella has been making its way around the series of tubes, and I think everyone else seems to find it funnier than I do. Not because I take personal offense. Just don’t think it’s that hilarious. To both their credit, they’re at least on rhythm. . I will take issue with Lou Piniella being a “North Side Guy.” No, you’re a New York and Florida guy who’s just hanging out for a couple years. Yes, I would like to hear the uncensored version, but it probably includes Ozzie’s 7-minute verse about Jay Marriotti that would make Eminem sound like the new GLAAD spokesman.
- So apparently this is Will Leitch’s last week at Deadspin, which I lamented a couple weeks ago. However, they still haven’t named a successor. Are they gonna drag this out and announce it Friday? Or are they going to have Rick Chandler and AJ Daulerio unofficially man the fort for a while on an interim basis? Or, perhaps the best scenario, it’s not his real last week; they’ll treat every week like Steven’s last night in town (TM Ben Folds).
- So a few years ago, 3 maybe, I was mentioning something about Dove’s famous “Real Women” campaign and said that while progressive, it hadn’t escaped me that all the women they used were still attractive. Well, the other day I was reading a thing in the New Yorker (yes, here I am on my high horse. Eat it) and read that those photos were severely retouched by a guy who does that professionally and was profiled in the magazine (his name’s Pascal something). Yeah, like I thought. The closer we get to “real women,” the further we are away.
- Apropos of nothing, there absolutely is a reason I’m linking a picture of Steve Guttenberg giving the finger. Because giving the finger is and will always be hilarious.
- So apparently Jennifer Aniston, who is not a particular favorite around here, threw some hissy-fit about having co-star Jennifer Connelly, who we do like quite a bit, but not quite as much as 8yearoldsdude and his cohort Wade Garrett, in a photo shoot with her promoting their upcoming film “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Which sounds like a knockoff “Sex and the City,” signifying I’d probably rather get “Coldplay Forever!” tattooed on my leg before watching it. Anyway, instead of being interested in promoting part of her actual career, she’s more interested in Jennifer Connelly threatening her spotlight. Well, I suppose if we’re talking insecurity, she does have a reason. Despite the unfortunate weight loss, Jennifer Connelly is substantially more attractive and likely more interesting as a person. Plus she’s married to a guy substantially less douchey than John Mayer. Or is she worried than John Mayer is going to not be able to contain himself around Jennifer Connelly, since Jennifer Aniston seems to have that effect on guys. OK, that was mean. And I do feel bad for her about that whole deal. But she does kinda suck.
- Speaking of Little Children, 8yearoldsdude’s reference to “Joe College” (which I’ve never read) wasn’t even the only Tom Perrotta joke we crossed paths with last week. When a friend was talking about giving her assessment class subject the WISC IQ test, she mentioned the kid’s dad interjecting stuff from his perch in his office upstairs, where she said the dad had been the entire test, doing god knows what. Rarely do I have perfect timing in actual dialogue, but I managed to pull a Slutty Kay reference right on schedule. By the way, while that is by far the funniest subplot, and mercifully realized fully in the book as opposed to the movie, the fact that my aunt is named that remains weird.
- Speaking of people cheating on their significant others, I saw last week that People Magazine named former A.C. Slater Mario Lopez as its “Hottest Bachelor.” Hmm. I guess People either has a short memory or readers are turned on by the fact that his engagement broke up after he supposedly cheated on his fiancée with the stripper at his bachelor party. Sorry, that story never quite gets old. Anyway, I still recommend this link if only because his dancing is still funny.
- Speaking of more people that like to cheat on their significant others, this past week, Jessica Simpson got in trouble with PETA for inviting paparazzi (or more likely her dad paying off paparazzi) to take pictures of her wearing a shirt that said "I'm [Way] Stupid." (Yes, the brackets are for what we botched the lyrics to say and it's much better that way). No, not really. It actually said “Real Girls Eat Meat.” When reached for comment, she said she has nothing against PETA; she was just celebrating the fact that she gets around.
- Jessica Simpson’s brother-in-law in doucheosity, Pete Wentz, “sang” “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Saturday’s Cubs-Trash game at Wrigley along with some other dude from Fall Out Boy. Watch out for douche overload in the video. Anyway, if you ever needed proof as to why neither of these idiots is the singer. About the only thing that didn’t go right for me as a Cubs fan (aside from the fact that Carlos Zambrano is on the DL and Carlos Marmol doesn’t feel like throwing the ball over the plate) is that the crowd didn’t boo them. Had that occurred, I would have pledged to stay here for life.
- They said on TV that Pete Wentz used to be a decent soccer player in high school in Winnetka. (I think that’s where he’s from, right?). They did not comment on how the team reacted to his always trying to wear the girls team’s shorts.
- Does anyone here have HBO? If so, how was Dana Carvey’s new comedy special? His one from back in the ‘90s was pretty classic. Especially the Neil Young impression. “Dead dog lying in a ditch. Cigarette smoker has an itch…”
- Time for Top Chef-ery, the finale thereof! They had a reunion episode to talk about the season and show clips. It was pretty lovey-dovey, so there really wasn’t much to it. They did show a montage of Ryan Scott talking and had the fucking nerve not to have a clip from the infamous tailgate. Nice shirt, Mark. They called Antonia “the Black Hammer,” which was supposed to mean being either with or against her in a challenge got you eliminated, but wasn’t that theoretically everyone? That’s a stretch, y’all. Also, that sounds like either a porn, or a movie starring Jim Brown. Actually, I think it was a movie starring Jim Brown, but I have class in like 10 minutes so I don’t have time to go on IMDB. They made t-shirts out of Andrew’s quote, “I have a culinary boner right now.” Sorry, that doesn’t do it for me. Then again, as I’ve probably mentioned, for whatever reason, I get squicked (TM TWOP) out by the expression “boner.” It’s not a high horse thing. I can’t really explain it. It’s probably not worth exploring in therapy, just a linguistic quirk. Either way, probably not buying one, so nice try there, 60-minute commercial for Bravo merch. Who is that dude hosting and why is he such a tool? The only interesting part really was them showing a montage of Gail Simmons’ “crush” on Andrew and him looking all demure about it. Dude, that’s the jackpot there. Stephanie may have won the show and the viewer’s choice award, but I think that makes Andrew the real winner.
- I just saw it cross the wire that George Carlin died. While I’m not a devout fan, he certainly is a comedy legend and the world is a much funnier place for his contributions. Well, except maybe for his Fox sitcom.
- So I’m usually annoyed by ESPN trying to make me care about stuff it buys up (Arena Football), but I have to say I’ve really enjoyed their showing more European soccer over the past month between the UEFA Champions Cup and the Euro 2008 tournament. I confess I don’t really know a lot of the players, except the ones I remember from the Word Cup, but it is a lot of fun to watch, and a lot of the games have been very entertaining. At least the ones not involving Italy. Best part about it is that it’s usually on around the time I’m at the gym (1:30 central) when there’s never anything on. Anyway, I hope they keep it up in the future. A little respect for soccer’s position as a global game is deserved. Plus, seriously, there’s nothing on then anyway.
- And finally, apologies for a joke that only 8yearoldsdude will get. A report recently surfaced that ubiquitous TV host Regis Philbin is angling to buy Major League Soccer’s Chivas USA and renaming them … Chivas Regis (TM Letterman).

When I see you, girl, I wanna change my clothes, my eyes, my hair, my face. And every word that gets away is going off like a cherry bomb. I could suck all the luck from a seven-leaf clover I’m bendin’, I’m breakin’, I'm shaking all over. I'll be anything, but I can’t be myself.

Suck a Caribow's a**!

2008-06-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

Apologies for the lack of real topic. I'm working on a paper today. Anyway, as I've well documented, Jewel (my local grocery store)'s lack of editorial prowess is and will continue to be a treasure trove of comedy.

Read all the woe-is-Starbucks articles you want, but you know there might actually be trouble when competitors are inventing themselves daily:

I think Wesley Willis may be composing an alternative version of his seminal (pardon the expression) work "Suck a Caribou's Ass" up in heaven to account for the new version of the species.

8yearoldsdude, if you can go out and "officially discover" this species, maybe you could name it after a favorered Canadian musician as well.

More likely, the Jewel signage guy is a huge fan of silent film actress and "It Girl" Clara Bow.

Either way, Jewel's editorial department sucks the proverbial "bull moose's ass." Have a great weekend everyone!

Big pimpin' up in C-R-A-I-G

2008-06-18T15:53:00.000-05:00

This actually wasn’t what I was planning on writing about at all, but fine, if they’re going to drop stuff in my lap, who am I to say no? I was reading Chicagoist yesterday morning and they were kind enough to mention that the Cook County Sheriff’s Department here in … well, Cook County, had conducted a sting over the weekend to sweep for prostitutes advertising themselves on Craigslist. Well that’s altogether brilliant, actually on both sides, I suppose. If prostitution is illegal, then a site of free classified ads seems like a perfect place for cops to get a lot of work done with minimal effort. On the other hand, if you’re a hooker, a free classified site with … well, let’s just say minimal standards, seems like a fantastic way to drum up clientele without putting heels to street. It seems like a decently fair gamble that police would have better things to do than peruse Craigslist for hookers. Well, except that this is the fourth such operation in the last year and a half.

A little background on why this story has particular significance to me. I know I’ve mentioned this in the past, but my introduction to Craigslist came from reading Amy Blair’s Week in Craig column at The Black Table, the site decently responsible for launching Will Leitch and AJ Daulerio, among others (and in addition, responsible for the street cred I used to get licensed as a Deadspin commenter, whether deserved or not). Anyway, in said column, Ms. Blair would write snarky responses to Craigslist items, which about 95% of the time were soliciting sex. Now, I suppose it is technically legal to solicit sex on the Internet not for money. In fact, someone told me at a bachelor party that there are entire websites for that. But anyway, that was my only association with Craigslist. So when a former co-worker of IWasTheWalrus and myself told us she bought a bunch of furniture on Craigslist, my jaw hit the floor and I blurted out, “The porn site????????”

So yeah, I’m aware that you can sell lots of stuff on Craigslist and some classmates have even found participants for school projects on it, but if you say “Craigslist” to me, that’s still what I’m thinking. And apparently it still is and always will be legal to solicit sex for no money on Craigslist, even if it does give the site a bad name to repressed individuals whose most liberal sexual experience is watching “Swingtown” on CBS. (Jake from “Melrose Place” is a SWINGER, baby!). But if you’re a hooker advertising on Craigslist, you’d just slip your ad in among the eight million asking for a good time when they’re visiting Chicago next weekend, right?

Apparently not. According to the story, there is a section of Craigslist known as “Erotic Services.” That is absolutely fantastic. Screw the aforementioned Whale Section from “Major League”, there is a hooker section on Craigslist! Nothing like a few neon blinking arrows pointing out that you have hookers for sale on your decently sketchy site. My own conspiracy theory would be that Craigslist posted a bunch of fake hooker ads themselves to take eyes off the people trolling for sex, but apparently the only one who finds the latter sketchy is me, and the ads were real enough to arrest 76 hookers and hooker-associates.

Now the Cook County Sheriff (who really should have a 10-gallon hat), the awesomely named Tom Dart, has called for Craigslist to remove the “Erotic Services” section. Apparently, he’d like his department to have a slightly higher degree of difficulty involved in tracking down hookers on Craigslist. Craig, in defense of his list, apparently told Tom Dart to go have sex with a monkey. Their action taken was apparently to post a warning that says that human trafficking and child exploitation would be reported to police. Sheriff Dart apparently isn’t buying it, and I’m inclined to agree with him. In all seriousness, “Erotic Services?” Talk about telegraphing it! It even says “services.”

So here’s my question for the day. What exactly constitutes “Erotic Services” that are legal to advertise? Would herbal Viagra be such? No, that would probably go under something medical, right? A sensual massage? That’s not inherently erotic, unless it comes with the alleged “happy ending,” which would be prostitution. (Speaking of, back in Montgomery County, MD, where I’m from, local police once came under fire for sending police informants into massage parlors to get happy endings as part of a sting. Man, now there’s a tough job. I wonder how much they had to pay those informants). OK, how about vibrators and ben-wah balls and stuff? Erotic, sure. But those are products, not a service. Honestly, maybe I’m just not thinking hard enough, but I can’t think of an “Erotic Service” that does not involve some form of prostitution. So I really can’t see what legal standing Craigslist has to perpetuate this unless they’re just going to enjoy the extra traffic from hookers until they themselves actually come under some legal difficulty for helping to promote such operations.

But since we all have open minds, if you can think of a legal “Erotic Service,” let us know. Because once Tom Dart wipes out these Craigslist hookers, he can set his sites where there really belong – on Todd Stroger.

Do you know what it's like to be told to have a record shoved up your a**?

2008-06-16T10:43:00.000-05:00

People wanna come up and they wanna tell me smoking crack cocaine is better than sensi. You're pumpin' that shit. Yo, we're sick of it. Tweakin' every weekend and we just can't take it. We don't want plastic. Time for Musings!

- First of all, a happy Bend It Father’s Day to Cardinal Dogboard, our only Bend It dad that we know of. For now. And hey, while we’re out it, how about a happy Father’s Day to my own dad, who was actually the first person to ever call me “Senor Beavis.” This was prior to Bend It and I can’t for the life of me remember why, but there’s a little trivia for you.
- A little housekeeping note that I brought up in last Monday’s comments. I’ve been getting some feedback from Tourists via email and text, given that for whatever reason (Blogger sucking likely being #1) they’re unable to comment. Anyway, my Transcription Policy is that if you send me a comment and want me to post it, just say so and I’ll post the exact contents of what you send me under your name.
- So this would be a total Ask the Tourists question if we could recruit a few more Tourists. So I started watching How I Met Your Mother a couple weeks ago, since everyone picks up a new series in the summer, and I’m glad I did. It’s funny, just like 8yearoldsdude said it was. First of all, how did Alyson Hannigan mysteriously get crazy hot? But more importantly, how does the fact that Neil Patrick Harris has essentially parlayed playing Neil Patrick Harries from “Harold and Kumar” into a career of playing Neil Patrick Harris from “Harold and Kumar” on “How I Met Your Mother” impact further viewings of “Harold and Kumar?”
- Holy crap, it’s Dennis Duffy from 30 Rock!
- Man, I think the past week may have taken about 5 years off my life. I at least hope, as Denis Leary would say, they’re the bad ones – the adult diapers years. I can’t really say I’m feeling this whole accelerated schedule thing. I like to take my time and conceptualize assignments for a while. Not to mention, I can’t say that my assessment class professor is the friendliest person I’ve ever met. I’ll have to review the tape, but I think she totally danced in all our faces (especially mine) last Wednesday. I know that communication isn’t my school’s strong suit, but I think if you’re going to ask your students to ask the kind of commitment of a layperson that we have to ask of our assessment subjects this semester, they should have told us before we had May off. Because trying to get that locked up in a week or two is a disaster waiting to happen with a few bad breaks, not to mention the immediacy is off-putting to potential test subjects as well. I’m done talking about this, but I just want to un-irrationally vent without some Coors Light. (Though I don’t mind Coors Light itself, just the commercials).
- Speaking of commercials, kudos to Southwest Airlines for their new spot where the dude has to pay a quarter to open the overhead bin, lean his seat back, and all amounts of other plane activities. Very topical, and since they do have the advantage that they’re the ones turning a profit and their fuel contract enables them to forgo the desperation antics of major airlines we discussed a couple weeks ago, it’s a no-brainer that they should publicize it. If you got it, fucking flaunt it. Good on ya, Southwest Airlines creative team!
- By the way, I was mentioning positive associations and I guess I gotta give it up to the Rage Against the Machine “Freedom” video. I was listening to their first album a couple days ago and noticed that despite the words not being in the song, whenever I hear the last 5 chords of “Freedom,” I instantly sing, “Justice. Has. Not. Been. Done.” And that’s about a 15-year-old video. I can’t be the only one.
- OK, I mentioned this a few weeks ago, but once again, if I ever commit a crime and get caught, I want R. Kelly’s lawyer on my case. Best lawyer ever. I still have no idea how he strung it out this long, but I repeat, the “offense” happened over 6 years ago, before I moved here. Or maybe it’s not the lawyer at all and just … well, I don’t want to say something that could likely be interpreted as racist and may be. I’ll say what were the real odds of R. Kelly getting convicted in his hometown? Celebrity justice, y’all. Now let me get to work on “Trapped in the Assessment Class Parts I-XXVI.” I’ll lock up that keynote at the National Association of School Psychologists national conference for sure.
- So in my occasional role as Senor Beavis About Town, I made my way out to the Andersonville Fest over the weekend. And yay, since I get to cite 8yearoldsdude’s quote about “Mentally ill from Andersonville.” Anyway, I was meeting some friends … sort of, but that’s a different story altogether. My story, and it’s not much of one, has to do with Chicago’s most popular hair metal tribute band, the outstandingly mediocre Hairbangers Ball. It was a good time for it, since hair metal is a decent way to blow off a little steam. I’m tough on tribute bands, because if they make a living off this, they should know their shit. I may have a mentioned a handful of years ago, I almost charged the stage when a Stones tribute band blew the words to “Paint it Black.” Anyway, ‘80s tribute bands are big right now, which is fine by me. Lloyd Dobler Effect opened for a fucking tremendous hair metal cover band a couple years ago, and these guys are nowhere near them, whoever they were. The singer got on my nerves because he couldn’t move. Has he ever seen a hair metal video? You’re supposed to move all about the stage like you could drop your spandex and nail the groupie in the front row at the drop of a hat. You can’t perform “Welcome to the Jungle” standing still! I wanted to be like, “Look, if you can’t dance like Axl Rose, I’ll get up there and fucking show you how it’s done.” Maybe I might have even done it directly in his face. Anyway, since they were mediocre, the most interesting thing to me was to see a crowd full of Chicagoans singing hair metal. Just from a sociological standpoint, I was interested to see which songs, as 8yearoldsdude would say, blew up the proverbial club. The answers, if you were curious, were “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake, “I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett, and “You Give Love a Bad Name” by Bon Jovi. Sadly, no one else was quite as excited to hear “18 and Life” as yours truly, author of a standing exegesis on the work.
- Sure, picking on hair metal lyrics is probably unfair, but in “Livin’ On a Prayer,” where exactly are we halfway to? More importantly, how did that not bother me until yesterday?
- One more note on Hairbangers Ball, and not that one of my friends – the one that only dates musicians – once dated one of them, at one point the chick (they have one chick who plays keyboard and sings) said, “OK, on the count of 3, I want everyone to yell something different all at once.” From behind me, I heard someone yell, “Your dress looks terrible!” See, kindred spirits. I did turn around and give credit where it was due. Speaking of, I actually did bust out the Bend It Giant Douche Cam, but I need to see whether the photo is too blurry to use.
- I actually would never have known this with Best Week Ever the show, but apparently New Kids On the Block have recorded a song and made a video. Yeah, what the fuck indeed? Even more so, check out this video. You’d think they’d have a sense of humor enough to avoid the fuck out of boy band clichés. Or maybe it’s intentional embracing and we just don’t entirely know it. Either way, Blink-182, despite not still being together, might have to reform just to cut an new version of the “All the Small Things” video to include this. I really just can’t even get past that initial shot of Donnie taking off his sunglasses. It’s priceless.
- Just think, if Boston Public had been a bit more successful, prolonging Joey MacIntyre’s “acting” career, maybe all this could have been avoided. We are all smelling that shoe this morning.
- On the flip side, while it might not have the clichéd audacity to call itself “Summertime,” if you do want a perfect summer song, how about a collaboration between David Byrne, Dizzee Rascal, and Fatboy Slim? Yes, this makes me smile. Sure, could use a little more Dizzee Rascal, but anything that combines my love of Talking Heads with my love of Dizzee Rascal is cool with me.
- By the way, for the record, the best song with the title of “Summertime” is that by The Sundays. Sorry, Will Smith. Not even close. Never should have stopped being funny.
- Props to Chicagoist for linking this UK movie review of “The Incredible Hulk.” Like I would have expected any different. See, this is why I don’t watch comic book movies. (I’ll consider “The Dark Knight” if they’re going as dark as they say they are).
- So apparently, Katherine Heigl would not allow Grey’s Anatomy to submit her name for Emmy Award consideration because she didn’t think she deserved it, thanks to not being given enough proper material to work with. And she has a point to an extent, since Izzie didn’t really have a plotline all season. However, would she really classify that whole bullshit with George (which coincidentally and impractically won her an Emmy) and that shit with McDirty quality material? It’s amazing that sans plotline is about the only time Izzie has become halfway sympathetic.
- You’ll be happy to know that it is not longer, as Sponge would say, rainin’ in my house. It was my upstairs neighbors’ air conditioner and when I finally got a hold of them and they figured that out, they turned it off. Still have minor ceiling damage, but when I get it assessed, I think they’re going to pay for it.
- Here’s my advice for the week. Do not eat canned asparagus! Some of you may be thinking, “Man, that asparagus is expensive! Wait, I bought that can back when it wasn’t in season because it was on sale.” I may have thought the same thing. And it was one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted. Not only does it just taste like a giant salt lick (Zeke the Bunny just perked up his ears), there are sharp pieces in it too. Like they allegedly put fiberglass in chewing tobacco to cut your mouth so you feel it faster. (God, I feel dirty just typing that). So to recap, it’s tastes awful and it hurts to eat. While you’re at it, don’t buy a bag of potatoes with the intention of making 8yearoldsdude’s potatoes and onions dish, then forget about them and have them turn into rotten potato muck that makes your whole kitchen smell nasty when you discover it. Damn, I’m full of advice today.
- Speaking of, time for Top Chef-ery! Yay for Stephanie! Lots of people classified the finale as “anticlimactic,” but I’m just fine with a show that’s just all about cooking and no manufactured drama. Seriously, I saw Stephanie’s menu and was like, “Come to Butthead.” That first course, holy crap! I love red snapper. Love fish with fingerling potatoes. Love asparagus. I’d like some of that right now. Quail breast with lobster ravioli and a poached quail egg? Hell yes, send that right here. Lamb with mushrooms, blackberry sauce, and pistachios? I’m not even crazy about lamb, but I’d be all over that. Admittedly, I’m just judging from a personal taste standpoint. I’m not sure why people get all butt-seissed (TM Sports Junkies) about pork belly, since I don’t think I’d want some, but good for them, I suppose. Except for Richard’s pork belly dish. I was like, “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.” Poor guy. He was absolutely right that he “choked.” I have to give Lisa huge props for bringing it in the finale. I didn’t want to eat everything she made, just from personal taste, but if judges unanimously agreed, I can take their word for it. And that rice pudding looked awesome. I do wonder what would have happened if Lisa had been substantially better than everyone else. Would the show have let her win? After a whole season of getting annoyed by Richard’s cutesy names for his dishes, I was reading an article about one of these “molecular gastronomist” chefs here in Chicago in “The New Yorker,” ironically, and apparently that’s part of that whole movement. An annoying part to be sure, but consistent. I’m actually looking forward to the reunion show this week just in hopes that we might have ourselves a Ryan Scott tailgate. Though I’m expecting it all to just be lovey-dovey and reveal arguments as, well not necessarily contrived, but just part of the job. Actually, I kinda believe that. In an intense profession, you probably do blow off a little steam at people once in a while. At least that’s what “Kitchen Confidential” said, so by George, I’ll believe it.
- Speaking of Stephanie, she did a web interview for the Chicago Tribune this past week in which she fielded questions submitted by readers. If you can stand the awkward format and the fact that the host guy sucks, it’s pretty interesting. She comes off as you would expect, laid-back and down to earth.
- So apparently I’m not the only Starbucks employee excited about being barista to the Top Chef. One of our newly hired teenagers, who I found out was a huge fan, and got a big kick out of the “Ryan Scott tailgate” catchphrase, said despite being starstruck himself, the question he thought to ask her was whether Tom Colicchio was actually a douchebag in real life? Apparently she said he’s not, but it’s nice to hear I’m not the exactly only one getting that impression from the show. Most women want to fight me when I say that.
- For no good reason other than that it’s fun, how about a blog discussion of the funniest hockey names. Which was the most entertaining thing I read online all week.
- Time for the Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! We reppin’ Uggla, Uggla, Uggla! We reppin’ Uggla, Uggla, Uggla! Yeah, I know. Too much “Stomp the Yard” for one day. Unfortunately, not much stomping was performed by our hero this past week. He did hit a walk-off grand slam against the Phillies last Wednesday. However, that was his only hit of the week as he went 1-23 (ouch!) with 0 doubles, that 1 home run, those 4 RBIs, and a steal. So he Ugglas down to .285 with 23 doubles, 1 triple, 19 home runs, 48 RBIs, and 4 stolen bases. Well, it’s a new week. Go forth and kick ass.
- So apparently Democrat consumers can now get their very own Barack Obama HS basketball jersey. Yeah, it’s cheesy, but kinda cool at the same time. Props for a good idea, I suppose.
- Speaking of, according to Best Week Ever the show, Jennifer Lopez is talking about writing a song for Obama. First of all, I would have absolutely pegged her as a Republican. Second of all, as a Democrat, for the love of all things holy, please don’t! You want people to vote for him, right? Douche.i.am probably was responsible for half of Hillary Clinton’s voters as it was.
- So apparently, in the midst of total douchetastic incoherence, Puff Daddy was talking about changing his name back to Puff Daddy. See, we here at Bend It have secretly been ahead of the curve all along.
- And finally, to celebrate our level of host and commenter synergy last week, IWasTheWalrus and I celebrated with an emphatic “Terrorist Fist Jab.”

You got the money? We got the soul. You got the money? We got the soul. You got the money? We got the soul. We got the soul, the soul, the goddamn soul! We got the soul, the soul, the motherfucking soul!

I wanna see who gets the final Death Blow

2008-06-13T11:07:00.001-05:00

So as longtime readers of Bend It would know, I’m more than a bit fascinated by advertising and marketing. Probably because it combines my interest in writing with my interest in psychology in that you have to conceptualize something creatively that makes a memorable and ultimately positive association for your product. A recent example of good advertising, says me, include Nike’s Sparq campaign with the Saul Williams song during the NCAA Tournament. Both the song and some of the speech involved wound up here on Bend It. Did I go buy Nike Sparq shoes? No. But I did form positive associations with them and Nike. More often than not, we see bad advertising. Stuff that’s just either bland enough that you form no association with the product or irritating enough that you form negative associations with the product. I would hazard a guess that after those Applebees “Gilligan’s Island” theme ads during the NCAAs a couple years ago, people probably wanted to eat there less. (Better advertising for Applebees – Friday Night Lights). Or how those Taco Bell ads where they’re making up adjectives for the taco (“Crunch-u-eezy”) at least made me want to eat there less because it was so damn annoying. Sometimes, and often, the same company does both. Like Volkswagen did the “Unpimp Your Auto” ads, which were awesome, but also the infuriating beeping car that I could hear all the way from The Loop.

I’m a bit less familiar with viral marketing, but from what I can tell it usually tries to be as inventive as possible, incorporate multiple media sources, and generate advance buzz about something that won’t be showing up for a few months. I think the gold standard is the Blair Witch Project campaign with the leaked stories about the disappearance of those people and the legend of the Blair Witch. By the time the movie hit, everyone was talking about a movie starring a bunch of nobodies that was shot for like $5. Recently, Forgetting Sarah Marshall posted billboards around the everywhere proclaiming negativity about Ms. Marshall, and had a website listed that was the main character’s “blog” about first how awesome she was and then how upset he was. It was criticized pretty highly as being misogynist, but I will admit it worked for me. I went to the website. I mentioned the horrible punctuation errors on the signs. I went to see the movie. The key here is there is a direct connection to the end product. Or even an indirect connection, like apparently Nine Inch Nails had some sort of crazy urban/online scavenger hunt promoting a concept album. I don’t know the specifics, but the concept of the album was involved in the content of the contest. See, that stuff works. Now, we’re about to discuss when viral marketing goes wrong.

A couple weeks ago, a video hit the Internet showing a dude flipping out in his office and pretty much systematically destroying the office. It was kinda awesome. It was like Office Space crossed with Teen Girl Squad (MONITOR'D!!!!) without the jokes. There was instant debate about whether or not it was real or staged. Then a second video appeared supposedly of cell phone footage of it trying to confirm its reality. Regardless of whether I tend to believe all viral videos on the Internet are staged, it was pretty entertaining and did generate buzz. But for what?

Yesterday, the story came out that this office rampage video was a viral marketing campaign for the upcoming film “Wanted,” starring Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy. Well, of course it was! That was the first thing I was thinking of. What the fuck? Even better, the director, Timur Bekmambetov, was all proud of himself and allegedly found the gullibility of consumers amusing. While the latter may be true, I’m not sure I’m seeing the reason to be proud of himself. What exactly about the office video is supposed to make us think to go see “Wanted?” Seriously. Apparently, the film supposedly includes a shoot-out scene in an office. I guess there’s our connection. But how are we supposed to know that? I mean if they’d done a campaign for There Will Be Blood showing someone drinking a milkshake, it wouldn’t have worked because how would we know what that means without seeing the movie? It would have worked once the movie came out, but this is advance buzz. So I don’t know about you, but this stunt is so esoteric that it has no effect on viewership. Go see a movie directed by the guy who directed the office rampage video that has a shoot-out scene in an office? Yeah, whatever. In fact, given his level of pleasure with himself, now I kinda want to see it less. Unless it’s good. But when was the last time I watched an action movie?

This post was actually an advertisement for Luvs Baby Wipes.

Is this the Whale Section?

2008-06-11T16:28:00.001-05:00

Given that the following brief anecdote does involve The Economist, one might think we’d be in for another installment of “It’s Business Time.” But this isn’t actually a business story for the most part; it’s a classification story. I think 8yearoldsdude’s ears just perked up Vulcan-style from whatever part of cross-most-of-country (he’s helping a friend move from Denver to DC, which I have to say is no Milan to Minsk) he’s at right now. Let’s get our Australopithecus Robustus on! Actually, given the nature of the story, that last imperative is more than slightly accurate.

Anyway, about a month ago, I was having coffee in the Dupont Circle park itself with a friend from college. In the process, she pointed towards the Books-a-Million bookstore a block or so away and instructed me to never go there. I said that seeing as I live in Chicago, that was a request I could probably honor pretty easily. Anytime someone tells you something like that, you know there’s usually a pretty good story involved. Just like I would tell you to never visit Southport Lanes and Billiards since 5 or so years ago, they unilaterally ended our bowling session on the 6th frame without explanation. (Continued boo to JoshuaTrees for actually paying up instead of leaving. Services were not provided pursuant to the agreement). OK, so that wasn’t such a good story, but you get the drift.

So apparently, my friend, who lives in Dupont Circle, was killing time waiting for someone and wandered into said establishment to pick up a copy of The Economist. While I cannot tell you off the top of my head what her government job entails, said publication is up her alley. In addition she purports to get her weekly fix of news commentary from it, kinda the way I have been from 8yearoldsdude’s gift of The New Yorker (except that I’m on the May 12 issue). So she’s scouring the magazine racks and can’t find The Economist anywhere. That’s odd, considering it is a popular national magazine. Sure, I’ve never read it, but still. Maybe there was some sort of unspoken grudge, like how you used to not be able to buy Maxim at I think BWI airport (I was just out of college; these things happen. I’m not proud). Maybe it was too Economy-y for Books-a-Million. What is an intelligent, worldly girl to do?

In my friend’s case, it was to finally ask someone if they were out, and if not, where would she go about finding it. And they did have it all right. Anyone want to take some guesses about where a bookstore in a supposedly progressive part of a supposedly progressive city was housing The Economist? In the Men’s magazine section.

Yeah, I know. To my friend’s credit, I believe she did not only tell them that was a bunch of crap, but there was also an angry letter involved. As there should have been. And she claims to have remedied own situation by buying a subscription.

While non-original, how awesome would it be if an independent bookstore classified its magazines with snarky categories? Like “Chicks Who Think Their Lives Are Sex and the City,” “Guys With Popped Collars That Watch Entourage,” “Over-Intellectual Pretentious Asshole,” or “Disposable Personality Social Climbing Douche.” Just a thought. Look, I got nothing to close with, so I’ll just hope that those cooking magazines are in the cooking section.

So much stomping and only one yard. What are they to do?

2008-06-09T12:46:00.001-05:00

We're not balling. We take it back to the days of yes-y'all-in'. We’re holding onto what's golden. On a stage I rage and I'm rollin'! Time for Musings!

- For all we know, this may be a momentous day for Bend It as we may or may not have welcomed a second baby Tourist into our world. Zekers’ due date was yesterday. I know she hadn’t had the baby on Friday, but since I haven’t heard from her for coffee today, I’m guessing she’s probably in some stage of having a baby or post baby-having. Addison would be proud. I’ll save the official congrats until I actually know something. There will probably be a lag time to knowing until she and her husband send out some baby pictures. Update: I just heard from her (6 PM Monday) and no baby. So expect this item maybe to be recycled in the near future.
- So in these days of instant nostalgia, I was in one of my rare good moods last Monday. Today much less so. Who would have guessed that school would be involved. So in my Comprehensive Assessment class, I have to give a comprehensive battery of tests to an unfortunate soul between the ages of 6-17 and do a big write-up for it due in about exactly a month. As one who unfortunately often assesses the world in terms of disaster potential, the disaster potential for this one is enormous, given the short amount of time and the logistical nightmare that is 45 school psychology students trying to access a very limited amount of test kits. But that’s not the stress. The stress is that I don’t have a subject, which considering I was planning to start later this week is kind of a big problem. I spent a good part of my weekend stressing out compulsively checking my email to see if anyone answered back and still no one. Not having family in the area is substantially problematic.
- So that in itself was giving my anxiety. Then my kitchen area ceiling started leaking yesterday. Drop by drop. Almost rhythmically in the way that water torture would be. Well, there are leaky spots all up in my kitchen area ceiling, but currently the actual leaking is coming through a light fixture. So yeah, now you got water and electricity, so if I’m careless and hit the wrong light switch, I may electrocute my apartment. I’m knocking the shit out of some wood waiting for the plumber who should have been here by now and slowly watching the damage in my ceiling grow and my bank account shrink. (Actually, that was yesterday. Today I’m at school hoping silently I have a ceiling and floor left when I get back). And no, listening to Tim Finn’s “Six Months in a Leaky Boat” actually didn’t really help me, despite my best intentions. Also not helped by my knocking on the door and calling my upstairs neighbors to see if they could help me pinpoint the source, but they haven’t answered and I think might be ducking it. So yeah, sorry about being a stress ball of anxiety today. Quit waterboarding my apartment, leaky whatever you are!
- And THAT, my friends, is why I was buying that crack rock. See, I can play this game too. It’s fun.
- Since misfortunate comes in threes, this may only apply to a few of y’all, but I’m certainly bummed that Will Leitch is leaving Deadspin for New York Magazine. I unfortunately don’t remember which Deadspin commenter said this, but one of his greatest strengths as editor was promoting a generally laid-back and congenial atmosphere. Say what you will, but there’s a fine line between snarky and mean, and I think Deadspin generally did a good job of staying on the right side of that, especially in terms of editorial content itself not really going misogynist, and a lot of that has to be attributed to a creator trading on Midwestern sensibility that’s essentially an optimist. Someone who seems like he would be a decent guy in person. (Which is actually what I’ve heard from friends who have met him). A lot of friends have been made through Deadspin (not by me necessarily, but I’ve seen it) and it really does seem that for the most part, the commenters don’t snap at each other, and when a dust-up does happen, people own up to it and apologize, which is incredibly rare. And as that commenter said before me, that goes to the top. If Will was just a straight-up sniper, it would encourage similar behavior among followers. I’m not sure who’s in line for the top spot, but I wonder how much that will change the direction. Admittedly, I fear change, which isn’t good. And I’d guess that being a victim of its own success, Deadspin’s golden age is probably already passed even now. I’d put my wager on Daulerio taking over, since I think his hiring as Senior Writer was probably part of the process, but I don’t think he’s got the chops. That’s just me. We’ll see.
- If it seems like a few minutes took place between that item and this one, there’s a reason. Judging by the way I collapsed in a heap, many thought I had severely injured my wrist my clicking the mouse wrong. I was carried out of the Merchandise Mart by a team of medics. Then I ran straight back to my computer and resumed typing. I expect a standing ovation, full-scale media coverage, and comparisons to history’s great writers.
- So I haven’t been talking much hockey lately, but the Detroit Red Wings did win the Stanley Cup last Wednesday. I suppose Kristen Bell’s happy. I suppose 8yearoldsdude, who’s in the tank for Sidney Crosby, probably isn’t. I hate the Wings and Penguins both, but the last 4 games of that series were so damn exciting that I really enjoyed it. I started rooting for the Penguins just so there would be more games. As much as I hate to take the “good for the league” perspective, I hope that ending the season on a high-note in terms of quality does carry over.
- Speaking of hockey, apparently there’s a (minor) brouhaha over the fact that the NHL online store is apparently accidentally selling a shirt signifying that Washington’s Alex Ovechkin won the Hart Trophy, the NHL’s MVP, before the award has been announced. Whatever. It’s kinda funny, but no big deal. I mean, you probably know how I feel about awards ceremonies, but what exactly does the NHL lose from this? If it were, say, the Oscar-winning film getting announced, that might fuck with TV ratings and sponsorship, but the NHL awards ceremony? I love hockey, and even I have no intention of watching that, if it’s even on. The league bigwigs will still be there, “surprise” or not. Is there a question of “integrity?” They’re awards. They’re arbitrary.
- I’m glad that Big Brown appears to be OK after the Belmont Stakes. No jokes here. I was worried about him running with an injury, and I’m glad his jockey eased him up when he was struggling. While gamblers might not agree, the most important thing is his health.
- Speaking of brown, so I was watching Bobby Flay having a cook-off in Louisville the other day (it was about a year old or so), and he and the local chefs were making open-faced turkey sandwiches with cheese gravy, tomatoes, and bacon then cooked in an oven. So essentially it sounded like about the best thing ever. (I asked a Deadspin commenter who was in Louisville last week and he confirmed it). However, the famed Louisville sandwich has about the most unfortunate name possible – the “Hot Brown.” There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- Speaking of delicious food, time for Top Chef-ery! For the most part, this was an outstandingly boring episode. A large part of that would be due to my generally not liking pork, so none of the dishes anyone made looked particularly tasty. I had said at the beginning of the show that one of the things about that seemed somewhat attractive about is that since these are talented chefs with resumes, it presumably could be decently not fixed, since talent should win out. It could for the champ, but there is no doubt in my mind that Bravo refuses to get rid of Lisa because she creates “drama.” They seem to think that a finale of 3 chefs that like each other would be boring. Not if you just want to see people cook. I hate being pandered to and talked down to, which is why I stay away from this “competitive reality” shit in the first place. And I have no doubt that Lisa is paid handsomely to grouse about not being congratulated. Although it was kinda awesome that Richard was like, “Congratulations. You win the fucking bronze medal.” From a guy who said, “Holy smokes” when he won a new car. I don’t know what “pigeon peas” are, but I don’t think I would like any soon. I appreciated seeing Dale, who should be in the final, get to say the F-word again. He really has a way with it. I totally thought that Wilo guy was Colicchio with a bad accent at first. That they just couldn’t get a guest judge under contract that week. Padma Lakshmi can’t dance. Ha! If you want a prediction, I think Stephanie will win. Richard is probably a bit more talented, but they keep mentioning that a woman has never won, and when in doubt, follow the telegraph editing. And Stephanie is highly creative and very consistent. Not to mention our Starbucks customer.
- Speaking of TV chefs, holy crap, who in their right mind would do this to themselves? Tattoos are generally unattractive enough as it is, but a tattoo of Rachael Ray? I wonder if they’re age 6-17 and I could run a comprehensive battery.
- Speaking of, I was at a bookstore the other day and saw a Rachel Ray cookbook entitled, “Yum-O.” In the words of Bill Simmons, I will now light myself on fire.
- Time for the Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! I’m a Uggla. I’m a, I’m a Uggla, homey. I’m a Uggla. I’m a, I’m a Uggla, homey. [Brother], ask about me, [Brother, brother] ask about me! [Brother], ask about me, [Brother, brother] ask about me! Before we get to the stats, apparently Uggla’s second child was born this past week, so it’s a big week for Bend It babies. Congrats! Apparently this motivated him since he went 10-22 with 4 doubles, 2 home runs, 6 RBIs, and a stolen base. So he has now Ugglaed his way back up to .310 with 23 doubles, 1 triple, 18 homers, 44 RBIs, and 3 steals. That’s fucking awesome. And I secretly hope the baby was named Marcel.
- We have another addition to our list of photos that absolutely have to happen. Joining Kristen Bell in a Red Wings jersey, how about a picture of Uggla with Uga, the Georgia Bulldog!
- Speaking of Uga, would it brighten anyone’s day to watch a video of Uga? Yes, it would. Mine.
- Similarly, but not as family friendly, would it brighten anyone’s day to see a Chris Rock joke wind up on “Wheel of Fortune” with no trace of irony whatsoever? Yes, it would. But not as much as Uga.
- So I’m listening to the radio a week ago and I hear this song that sounds exactly like My Chemical Romance note for note. I thought maybe they realized that their last album sucked and wanted to get cracking. Apparently, it was a band called Ludo. What are we supposed to make of the fact that there are now My Chemical Romance wannabes? I guess it means they’ve really arrived at some level. Anyway, close your eyes (since they don’t look alike) and tell me I’m wrong.
- In the exact same vein, I have no idea why anyone in their right mind would want to, but apparently there are wannabe Gym Class Heroes as well. Actually, the last 60 seconds of this song by the alleged "Flobots" sounds more like Linkin Park than Gym Class Heroes, and it says A LOT that that’s actually an improvement. Whoever would have expected when I started Bend It that I’d find a rock-rap act worse than Linkin Park?
- So in case anyone was wondering, we have an update on the Volver Prosthetic Ass mystery from last week. I looked up a couple articles and one said what I was conjecturing about Almodovar wanting a voluptuous aesthetic and thinking Penelope Cruz had big boobs and a flat ass. In fact, he even said as much in the article. The other one I mention because it’s a fantastic example of over-criticism. This piece from New Zealand says, “Cruz wears a prosthetic bum to make her heavier, more tired-looking and less gamine, bring her literally down to earth.” Yeah. Between the two perspectives, I think I’ll take Almodovar’s word for it.
- And finally, time for a Bend It Movie Review! So taking the recommendation of Bend It friend and dance movie aficionado C-Glide, as you might have guessed, I DVR-ed up a little Stomp the Yard over the weekend. As a movie, it was much better than You Got Served, and a touch above Roll Bounce. (I haven’t seen Drumline). Although You Got Served was (probably unintentionally) maximum camp, and Roll Bounce had the whole homoerotic undercurrent that was missing a bit here. Anyway, it was still cliché central, but as dance movies go, wasn’t awful. At least they got the family member or associate dying out of the way really early. And honestly, as I’ve said on another site, step dancing is rather awesome. Pretty much the only way to make it not look cool is “School Daze.” True story, when I was like a freshman in high school, we saw a step dancing display in a school assembly and then tried to mimic it in a friend’s basement. Not ironically, despite our lack of ethnicity. It was just cool. I have to ask, is Meagan Good just perpetually typecast now as the love interest in dance movies? Because she was in You Got Served, Roll Bounce, and Stomp the Yard. Admittedly, she’s 500 kinds of hot, as I’ve acknowledged here at Bend It, but I would guess there are likely other attractive African-American women out there. Oh my goodness, it’s the upside-down moonwalk! Apparently that’s like the Cap Boso unstoppable play in old-school Tecmo Bowl. OK, at the risk of being insensitive, can an underground dance troupe really pull off the name “Thug Unit” or “Goon Squad?” You are dancers, remember? Maybe they’re lovers, not fighters. But they’re also fighters, so don’t get any ideas. And what exactly is a guy in an Easter Bunny suit doing at an underground dance contest anyway? Jay and Silent Bob may be looking for him as we speak. But I will say, the number one thing I learned from this movie is that apparently, if you dance right in someone’s face, that’s a freaking huge affront. Seriously. In that scene where they’re at “The Phoenix” and he dances in the face of a representative from every city, apparently he just called out the entire country according to the world of the film. I highly suggest you watch it if just for that scene alone. I will have to take this under advisement for my future endeavors. And C-Glide’s response to my titular question? Quoth the Glide, “I guess they’ll just have to walk it out.”

I can only take a guess what the morning brings. If it feels too good then it probably is. You suck that lucky feeling right out of me.

Mass romantic fool separated by sheets

2008-06-06T11:44:00.000-05:00

Sure, it may be two weeks late and everyone’s forgotten about it (maybe even me since I watched it about a week ago), but it seems like as good a time for the finale of Grey’s Anatomy as any. And while we’re at it, I wonder if I added it up, who would have more titles, invocations, and outros here at Bend It between Local H and the New Pornographers (including Neko Case solo). It’s probably about even now. Anyway, who couldn’t use a mass happy ending on a Friday? Time for Grey’s Anatomy Chat! Not a recap, just a chat.

Well, I said I’d be pissed off if they tried to throw George and Lexie together since I actually buy them as friends. I guess I’m pissed off. Not to mention that’s Meredith’s sister, and George slept (badly, I might add) with Meredith. That’s weird. I actually think that once Meredith inevitably warms up to Lexie, she’ll probably endorse it since that’s what you say about a good person you’re not attracted to. By the way, how forced did Lexie’s nicknames for balls sound? “Pouch potatoes?” That’s just poor, Shonda. And wasn’t the whole thing with George failing the intern exam because he was distracted worrying about Meredith since her mom had just died? At least that’s what was going on in the actual episode when it happened. That sucks, but it’s no reason for a crisis of confidence and he should have just said that as his reason a season ago. Sure, he wouldn’t have had the confidence to address Dr. Webber a season ago, but still.

I’m still not cool with the fact that Cristina’s extreme skill set in cardio-thoracic surgery was obtained through a romantic relationship and breaking the law, which is why I haven’t been at all sympathetic to her. I guess in the process of helping patients, she is an asset, though, so they might as well use her, since if you’re not going to have her disbarred, or whatever happens to doctors, it’s the patients whose needs come first. I do like her teaching Lexie and that she secretly likes her. More friendships and less dumb sex would improve the show for me.

I don’t know what to make of this deal with Alex, and it kinda depends on what the show does with it. So he was apparently sole caretaker to his mom when she was in a fucked-up state when he was a kid? OK. But are you going to address the fact that that is the reason he developed feelings, no matter how fucked up, for a woman he was taking care of? Sure, it’s dime store Freud, but the show owes it to us to go there. Admittedly, I’m biased, but I think sending all the characters to therapy would actually improve the show. I hope Izzie didn’t actually sleep with him. That would have been fucked up.

Izzie goes 2 weeks without severely fucking things up and suddenly she’s a worthy protégé? I wouldn’t trust her with making instant iced tea. OK, that’s a bad example since she used to bake a lot. I do like the fact the Bailey loves Star Wars, only because we never know anything about the characters’ outside interests besides Burke and music. I’d like more of that. They’re people too. As I said when a friend told me that some chicks were talking in one of her classes about my class presentation was entertaining, “Maybe next they’ll consider I might be entertaining in person.”

For Christsakes, someone please write McHitler a plotline!

The medical cases, don’t really care much this episode. Sorry. I will say that, “You made my mom attempt suicide” is a perfect rejoinder for not having gotten clearance for an extra trial subject. Once again, drink every time someone does something that should put his or her license in serious jeopardy and completely gets away with it.

So am I missing something or outside of a few months living with Shepherd, Dr. Webber got everything he wanted. He even said it at the beginning of the episode. He stayed Chief, didn’t delegate for real except for running the deception with George, demanded Marla Hendricks take him back, and it worked. Huh? So is there supposed to be satisfaction in that resolution? It’s not a resolution. Had he never apologized for his affair with Ellis Grey before? If not, then I understand Marla saying, “It’s about time.” Otherwise, it makes no sense.

This plotline about Callie and Hahn isn’t working for me. Maybe I’m just being judgmental, but I have a hard time buying it. For one, I don’t think they really showed any signs of attraction. Hahn probably is a lesbian, but are they having Callie explore her sexuality or are they gonna try to say she was in denial and closeted for 30 or however old she is years and is now discovering her identity? In this duo, Callie seems like the Lindsay Lohan and Hahn like the Samantha Ronson, which makes it hard to take it seriously. But mostly it’s just the not showing signs of attraction.

I was serious in that the most satisfying finale they could have given me was a whole show of Meredith in therapy. Trust me, she has A LOT more to do. Are you gonna tell me that all her problems are connected to her mom’s cry for help fake suicide attempt? Her mom wanted her to be with Derek. That’s great. More therapy please.

So like everyone expected, they put Meredith and Derek back together. And I was actually rooting for it. Why? Well, for one, it beats the alternative. I mean, if you’re not gonna give Rose an actual character, why have her? That was just a cheap place-filler, which is bad TV. Secondly, well, for whatever reason, Meredith was actually a lot more tolerable more of this season. And as an emotionally-stunted commitment-phobe myself, it’s a little nice to see that there’s “happiness” out there for us, at least on TV. Since you don’t usually have 100 chances in real life. I will say that Derek’s Freudian slip to Rose about, “I fail her over and over,” was just lame. No one does that in real life. My foot is still broken from that anvil. Seriously, what’s the ratio of shit like that happening on TV and in movies to real life? He can just go tell Rose he’d rather be with Meredith without that happening. Lame! Lame! Lame! Lame! Lame! And finally, go figure, a question of logistics. How did Meredith get all those candles up there, assembled, and lit in what was likely an hour or so? She’s a small person. It probably would have taken her all day just to get them there in the first place. Did she go straight from surgery, rent a U-Haul, and back that shit up to Yankee Candle?

Enjoy the song, enjoy the summer TV wasteland (not that it’s any worse than the Addison Show), and have a great weekend!

Ludo Bagman

2008-06-04T16:07:00.000-05:00

So as I’ve often mentioned, I don’t have the business background, commitment, or overall interest of a handful of Tourists. In fact, I have none at all. But I’ve never seen why that should stop us from discussing matters. At the very least, those people probably have informed opinions. Anyway, Bend It’s business discussion has never had an official name, but it easily stands to reason that given the cultural significance, plus the general similarity to something I already say too much, there’s no reason I shouldn’t declare, It’s Business Time! Two minutes in heaven are better than one minute in heaven, y’all.

So a couple weeks ago, American Airlines announced that they are charging $15 for a traveler’s first checked bag. Not frequent flier customers or high-stakes corporate travelers, but those who shop around for the lowest prices. Jet fuel, like most any other fuel, is at an all-time high, and no one besides Southwest Airlines has a contract that freezes their fuel rates for a bunch of years. Which makes me wonder whether Southwest actually are geniuses or exactly where they’re getting their fuel from? Anyway, this is supposed to keep them from hiking surcharges even more for the time being. Not only that, but every other airline besides Southwest is expected to follow suit shortly now that the country’s largest carrier has broken the seal.

So this announcement was met with pretty unanimous negativity, which I actually only discovered while I was researching this, since the first two people I talked about this with either worked for or had family working for the airline industry. The consensus seems to be that the airlines are passing their own mistakes on to the consumers, which may or may not be true considering I don’t know enough about the airline industry to conclusively assess fault.

However, one thing I can work on assessing is logistics, which is what would either need some considerable adjustment or may have been conceived in Candy Land. As the airlines’ unofficial representatives told me, they think they can save money because fewer suitcases mean less weight on the plane, which uses less fuel. As JoshuaTrees can grouchily attest, I only own one suitcase and zero carry-on bags, and that suitcase is heavy even when empty thanks to its infrastructure. I certainly could stand to invest in a carry-on, which would probably pay off eventually (unless United doesn’t charge their frequent fliers, of which I am one). As some smug blogger from “WalletPop” seems to spin, travelers should consider it a discount for traveling light. However, exactly how is an airplane going to accommodate an entire flight full of passengers with carry-ons?

As those who have been around these parts for a couple years know, my number one pet peeve in air travel always used to be the time it would take to get on and off planes because everyone would be trying to shove a carry-on bag the size of Central Park into the overhead compartment. My stock running joke was that they were putting their Uncle Walter’s casket in the overhead. And that you’d actually save time by checking bags because by the time I’d actually get off the plane during the carry-on tyranny, my bags would be circling the baggage carousel (except in San Francisco). For reasons I don’t remember, this has actually improved A LOT in the past year or so. Maybe there was some TSA regulation or maybe the airlines got tougher or … I don’t know. However, just like an ant can’t carry a rubber tree plant, a plane can’t fit every passenger’s carry-on bag.

So what happens? Well, during the carry-on dictatorship of a few years ago, they’d start checking the carry-on bags into the hold when they ran out of space in the overheads. And when this would happen, which would usually be after about the first 30 passengers, that’s a lot of bags being checked at the door. And barring new planes, this is precisely what would happen given this policy. So what is American (and the other airlines) prepared to do about it? Will they check the (arguably) lighter carry-ons into the storage for free since customers have gotten past the $15 threshold while following the rules? Will they bring a roving credit card machine to the gate to collect the fees for now-checked bags? And will those further back in line thereby get penalized? I definitely haven’t come across the answer in anything I’ve read.

Maybe there’s just something I’m not seeing here because I’m just a peon, but this just doesn’t seem very well thought out. Although if you want a more conclusive list of reasons why, check out this piece. And for now, business hours are over!

There ain't no freakin' french fries

2008-06-02T10:40:00.000-05:00

In home theaters still projecting. Undestructing a voice from the back of your double feature. Soft and harder wait in silence while planning your attack. Shining through the hollow today. Thinking maybe heavens away. They've shown this on both screens. They've shown this on both screens. Time for Musings!

- Leading off, I want to mention a simple pleasure that doesn’t come around too often. You know when a friend’s going out of town and you say, “Hey, go to [somewhere that’s awesome]!” And they never do. It’s a conversation that’s as part of the unwritten social contract as most any I can think of. Anyway, one of my classmates who I do consider a friend, but not someone I know particularly well, told me she was going to San Francisco, and I told her she should go to Crepes on Cole, the best brunch place in the whole world (says me). And yesterday I get a text message saying she actually went and it was awesome. Of course it was. But that’s awesome. The simple pleasure being that someone not only listened to you, but actually valued your opinion enough to take your recommendation.
- Unlike myself, the highlight of the week for everyone without a Y chromosome (or taste) was apparently the premiere of the “Sex and the City” movie. Which apparently every woman I encountered Saturday had already seen. I suppose if I reach deep down inside, I can’t make fun of that too much since if they made a movie out of my favorite TV show, I’d probably be there too. Except my favorite TV shows don’t suck. (I really did listen when I asked you guys to explain it. However, it didn’t change my mind. Which is legal). Anyway, the movie premiere seems to have had some interesting effects on the female population at large. Everyone I’ve talked to said they cried during the movie. Well, I would have too since that writing would bring anyone to tears. There was undoubtedly a renewed surge in comparing the lives of yourself or your friends to the characters in the series/movie. Though I would advise that if anyone compares you to any of the 4, it might be time to reexamine your life. Apparently the movie’s existence alone is causing women to spontaneously orgasm. Well, I guess whatever fills your bathtub. And I’ve heard the movie has caused women to start deleting their shitty blogs in which they try to pretend they’re the characters from show since their own writing couldn’t possibly be as good as the movie. Well, maybe the effect isn’t all bad after all.
- So another thing I learned is that actual intelligent women actually dressed up to go see this movie. Apparently, this phenomenon is the Star Wars for desperate women who think they're smarter and have better senses of humor and personalities than they really are and have. Except, despite my relative Star Wars apathy, Star Wars costumes are kinda cool looking.
- Giving credit where it’s due, a better line than my own was espoused by Common Sense Dancing’s Wade Garrett, who said, “I can't wait until every movie theater in the city is throned with women lining up, trying to hide flasks of weak cosmopolitans in their purses, excitedly whispering about all of the sex toys that the Samantha character almost inspired them to buy.” Well played, sir.
- One good thing that has come out of the sickening promotion (and probably endless sequels considering it’s a money pit) is the site www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com. Yeah, I know I’ve said that about the one thing I won’t make fun of people for is how they look. But “Sex and the City” brings out the worst in me. Plus we’re a little feistier than usual today. (For the record, I actually think she’s pretty, but anything bashing works for me). The site actually is funny, especially the Google Ads, which may or may not be real.
- While inquiring excitedly if one of the chicks dies in the movie, thus hindering the probability of a sequel, I did have the idea that how awesome would “Sex and the City: The Horror Movie” be? And it might be outstanding profitable. Not only would you have those chicks dressed up and allegedly cheering when the characters appeared on screen, the haters would go to see them get hacked to death. Man, I better get writing.
- So there actually is an interesting question wrapped up in my hateration and this is exactly what is it about “Sex and the City” that brings out such antipathy in myself? I mean, there are tons of movies I think look fucking terrible that are highly successful, but I don’t devote as many column inches to them. When people ask me what my gripe is with the show, I always say the hack-y writing that I feel is mistaken for good writing. (The New York Times’ review opened with, “A little Botox goes a long way in “Sex and the City,” but a little decent writing would have gone even further”). But plenty of hack writing is mistaken as such, including occasionally my own. There have to be some larger cultural phenomena included. So is it the fact that it really kick-started the trend in awful voice-over on TV, which needless to say I can’t stand. Is it the fact that it started the explosion in the execrable genre known as “chick lit?” Is it really just because no other show has really affected the way people actually act in real life, at least not to my knowledge? It would be easy to lob the misogyny grenade at me, but I don’t think that’s the truth at all. But maybe it is and I just don’t know it.
- Speaking of disproportionate backlash, the New York Yankees’ Joba Chamberlain is scheduled to make his first major league start tomorrow against the Toronto Blue Jays. I’d probably give a year off my life if the Blue Jays won 100-0. I’ll likely be rooting for the Blue Jays even harder than for my Cubs on Tuesday. Why is it that I absolutely despise Joba Chamberlain? He’s done nothing to me personally. Is it just because he plays for the Yankees? Is it because he has arguable talent but is largely a national media creation? Is it because he looks like Roger Clemens? Most likely a combination of all three. For the record, I feel exactly the same way about Jonathan Papelbon.
- Speaking of, it’s a good thing I really don’t care much about the NBA, because as much as David Stern might have spontaneously combusted from sheer joy, what on earth does a normal sports fan with a decent compass do with Lakers-Celtics in the NBA Finals? I’ve been handed the choice between rooting for the adulterous possible rapist Kobert Bryant or Pink Hat Nation. In the words of noted Pink Hatter Bill Simmons, I will now light myself on fire.
- So a month ago, Yed Ped actually did respond about the New York Mets Eighth Inning Sing-Along was providing us so much entertainment in early April. Apparently the winner was “Daydream Believer” by the Monkees. Ouch! Well, that sounds appropriately awful. Yed Ped says he favored “Build Me Up Buttercup,” which sounds less awful, but would still get on my nerves if I heard it every game. Anyway, the Mets, despite a solid week this past week, have been one of the most disappointing teams in Major League Baseball. And there’s only one explanation: The Curse of Rick Astley!
- Time for the Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! It was Ego who was flying the banner. And me and Uggla, Ann and Ana. Ohhhhh, we'd been unkind. Yeah, even I wouldn’t have placed bets that I’d ever drop Uggla into a song about eating disorders. But I’m working on trying to get past my visceral aversion to eating disorders. Unfortunately, this past week, Uggla apparently had a visceral aversion to hitting the ball, going 3-25 with 1 double, 0 home runs, and 0 RBIs. He Ugglaed his way down to .294 with 19 doubles, 1 triple, 16 homers, 38 RBIs, and 2 stolen bases. And I’m still pissed at myself for not going to see Ted Leo at the Division St. Festival because parking around there is such a nightmare.
- Speaking of nightmares, so I actually had to start my summer semester today. I’m still completely burned out from last semester. I only have 2 classes, but have them twice a week for 8 weeks instead of once for 16. I’m actually a little worried about the compression given that one class is an assessment class and it takes a lot of time to find people and to do them, but also because term papers and stuff take me a long time to conceptualize. I’m sure someone out there has had a similar summer session at some point. How did it go?
- Speaking of school, much like most Mondays I’m at school, I’m actually supposed to have coffee with Zekers (tea for her) in a few minutes, who legitimately is 9 months pregnant. I really hope she doesn’t actually have the baby while I’m there. I don’t think the Merchandise Mart staff is really prepared for such an occurrence. Not to mention her husband isn’t here. I also wield a lot of power in this scenario. According to TV and movies, all I have to do to get her to go into labor is to yell at her a bit.
- So apparently some dude in New Zealand (that’s not Bret, Jemaine, or Murray) was arrested recently for assault for throwing a hedgehog at another guy. First of all, this is officially awesome. Anyway, the “victim” apparently was hit in the leg, “causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks.” Is it just me who wants to know what happened to the dude who threw it? I mean, he obviously had to touch it as well to throw it. I mean, given a choice, I’d take a hedgehog in the leg over one in the hands any day. Was he wearing protective gloves? Screw you and your shoddy reporting, Associated Press!
- So I know this is a couple weeks old, but have you seen this video of Fergie (the Black-Eyed Pea) performing “her” version of "Barracuda" on the Today Show? Much was made of the performance aspects considering all the children in the audience. And don’t get me wrong, that’s hilarious. But that coverage has distracted from the real issue at hand, which is exactly how badly she assaulted that song. In the words of Juliana Hatfield (who we do like), a Heart, a Heart that hurts, is a Heart, a Heart that works.
- So I know how the political process is essentially a spin control competition, but I’m still curious as to why exactly people care so damn much about what religious leaders at Barack Obama’s church have to say. And yes, I probably would say this about any candidate. Did Barack Obama say whatever they said himself? No. Did anyone commission these guys as official spokespeople for Barack Obama? Not that I know of. Does belonging to one’s church mean you have to believe absolutely everything that’s said by any member of the church or congregation? God, I hope not. So is this prolonged controversy a likely violation of separation of church and state? Absolutely.
- Last weekend at Sergio’s wedding, en route to the wedding itself, Sergio’s best friend from growing up got a phone call from a friend who said that he’d proposed to his girlfriend, she’d said no, and they broke up the next day. I said to tell him he needed to B his L on some T’s.
- Speaking of last weekend, Sergio mentioned that the weekend also marked the 30th birthday of his lawyer friend in Cleveland, Johnny. I asked honestly that does turned 30 mean people have to stop calling him “Johnny?” Seriously.
- Speaking of people with silly names, time for Top Chef-ery! Well, last week’s episode marked my first communal viewing of Top Chef. The downside is that apparently everyone I watched with’s hearing is much better than mine (which isn’t saying much) since the volume was at a level so that if someone said something hilariously stupid or snarky, I couldn’t tell you what it was. However, as much as he makes me laugh, of course Spike should have lost. I’m a very average cook, and even I know not to go anywhere near frozen seafood, much less make it your #1 draft pick. Not only can you not tell if it’s fucked up in its ownself (TM Dan Jenkins), which is exactly what Spike’s scallops were, but you also can’t be certain what effect the freezing itself will have. They could be freezer burned. In addition, it was no coincidence that the judges pronounced the scallops “bland.” (First of all, duh. They’re scallops). Freezing something, no matter how tasty, does rob whatever the food is of at least a fraction of its flavor just by introducing water to it. Anyone who does something that I wouldn’t do sure as hell shouldn’t be on Top Chef, much less in the final round. Speaking of, suddenly Chicago isn’t good enough once you get to the end? Fuck you, Bravo! Lisa probably saved her ass with her main course, which was decently creative and didn’t look awful. Well, that and she wasn’t a big enough dumbass to use frozen scallops. But that appetizer, holy crap. First of all, why serve cold shrimp? I like shrimp quite a bit, but not cold. They don’t taste too good cold. Which is why I don’t eat shrimp cocktail and kinda question its existence in the first place. Secondly, cold shrimp on a crostini? Yuck! Why make your already cold shrimp even worse? “Crostini” is just a fancy word for “Melba toast,” which in itself is just a fancy word for “Zwieback.” Seriously, why would anyone want something on an already stale piece of bread overcooked so as to be even more stale and have no flavor whatsoever? I know a lot of people eat a lot of bruschetta out there, but it’s not my bag, baby. Also, from the week before, Richard said he used to own a restaurant called “Blais Up?” Seriously? Did they serve burritos and Fun-Yuns?
- I only do this a couple times a year, but the answer to today’s title lies in this ‘80s comedy bit.
- So I was watching the movie “Volver” yesterday, and when it came out about a year and a half ago, there was this story about how Penelope Cruz wore a prosthetic ass for her role in the film. That was funny in itself. However, I still have exactly no reason why. I mean, I know Pedro Almodovar likes to go for a lush, voluptuous aesthetic. And there were several loving camera shots of and references to her boobs. Did Almodovar want some sort of balance? Does Penelope Cruz, in addition to kinda looking like a dude (less so in this movie, I’ll say), have big boobs and a flat ass? Regardless, since I went into the film looking to try to solve this mystery, there were very few rear-angle shots of her and not too many side-angle shots either. So I really have no clue.
- And finally, Kristen Bell gave an interview last week about how much she loves her soon-to-be Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings, mentioning that her first crush was goalie Chris Osgood. “Brad Pitt be damned,” she said. There’s no joke here. Just that I could read about Kristen Bell talking hockey all day long. Seriously, someone please photograph her in a jersey! As Emmanuel Kant would have said, this is a categorical imperative.

I'm a lumberjack now, baby. I'm a lumberjack now, baby. I'm a lumberjack now, baby. I'm a lumberjack now, baby. But I ain't jacked my lumber baby. Since my chain saw you.

The island of misfit toys

2008-05-29T10:49:00.000-05:00

So I know this is targeting a very small portion of the population at any one point in time, but for we know, it may have affected you at some juncture. Probably not, but even so, that doesn’t mean your perspective wouldn’t be constructive.

So let’s say hypothetically if this doesn’t apply to you, you can be me for a bit. You’re at your friend’s or friends’ wedding for the weekend. You’ve seen the ceremony, you’ve navigated whatever lag time, and now you’re at the reception. Depending on exactly how easily cocktail party conversation comes to you, you either gracefully slide through the cocktails and appetizers or catch up with some people you haven’t seen in a while and then occasionally interject in a group conversation. You make it to dinner and enjoy a nourishing meal of some sort that usually involves a decently creative salad as an appetizer. Here’s where it begins to get tricky.

As the invitation details, cocktails are followed by dinner and dancing. But the back part of that equation can be a potential land mine for a handful. Namely, those who are single and not particularly interested in dancing. Like I said, a very small portion of the population. Regardless of exactly how much you want to dance, if you’re there with someone, the whole dancing thing is part of the package. An obligation of sorts. It’s highly unlikely that neither of you doesn’t want to dance, and to be honest, most people would tell you that slow dancing with your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/date is not a horrible experience or particularly difficult. However, if you’re single, that might be the part in the evening when things start to get to you.

As anyone who’s been single can probably tell you, one who is single tends to have a variety of different outlooks on that from time to time. But even at times when you’re absolutely 100% cool with being single, there are certain times when just the nature of the circumstance will get to you. Like it’s said that a lot of people get depressed around the holidays, and you know, there’s often some sort of compulsion, either internally, or through the media to spend that time with someone. You see enough happy couples ice-skating and it gets to you a bit. That’s kinda the way I can get with wedding receptions, especially if you catch me at the wrong time. I will have to confess that given the last couple weeks without class to really illuminate things without the distractions of enormous commitments, I really don’t like what I see in my personal life. I’m not desperate and wouldn’t be – it’s not in my nature – but the state of things is pretty discouraging and potentially overwhelmingly so. And that’s probably the most you’ll ever get from me about my life without some sort of winking snark. Like I said, not the best situation during which to send me into a wedding. But let’s take that out for a second and just work from a normal situation.

So if you’re single and not particularly interested in dancing, what exactly do you do? Now the answer I’d get from most people would be to either shake your booty in a group of friends or to grab one of the unattached women to dance. Well, trying to score at weddings isn’t really my thing, especially as we get older and almost everyone’s either married or in a serious relationship, that may come down to option A or option B. And like I said, barring a really unorthodox wedding band, I’m not a huge wedding dancer anyway. OK, let’s be fair. I don’t dislike dancing. But I’m pretty situational about it. I usually have to be in the right mood with possible the right amount of drinks listening to the right music and often with the right people or in the right situation. If I’m one of a very few single people, may not know a lot of people there, and cannot exactly fathom how to dance to “Johnny B. Goode,” which may be the most up-tempo song of the evening, without my poodle skirt, that’s a big wall to climb. What does a single guy do with “In the Mood?” Maybe a few jazz hands?

So if you’re single and not particularly interested in dancing, what exactly do you do? It can be an interminable Bermuda Triangle of awkward where you feel relegated to the Island of Misfit Toys. Those who can’t fit well enough with anyone to be in a relationship and who don’t fit well enough with the standard operating procedure to be completely immersed. Let me tell you, there are probably few places where I can feel as absolutely lonely as during a wedding reception. Strangely enough, except not strange at all, I’ve noticed that when I’m at a wedding alone but am seeing someone at the time (out of town weddings usually you have to be engaged, married, or damn close to get your significant other invited), this doesn’t bother me nearly as much. But somehow, when you get the perfect storm of circumstances, this is a ritualized form of torture. So what do you do? Well, if I’m driving, sometimes I’ll leave. Especially if there was a long-ass wait between wedding and reception. It’s a legitimate out that I want to get home safely and if I stay longer, I’ll drink too much to drive home safely or be too sleepy. However, if you’re not driving, as the DMV said to Al Bundy, now you’re really screwed. You have to somehow pass a handful of hours while play acting not looking completely miserable and fending off the wedding couple asking you if you’re having fun and encouraging you to dance, and even though you know it’s not their fault and they feel obligated to make sure everyone’s having a good time, you really just want to tell them to blow you. Nothing personal of course. Anyway, 8yearoldsdude inadvertently almost bailed my ass out Sunday by calling me in the middle of dinner. I wandered out to the outside deck patio, which was gorgeous, and hoped to pass some time out there on the phone, but didn’t successfully get him. I wound up killing time with a text conversation with a friend about exactly this situation, which is what gave me the idea to address it here. And then conversed with Sergio’s brother’s girlfriend about Etta James and academic politics and conversely with the wedding band about the worst wedding they’d ever played, but those were all stolen moments in a large cauldron of enveloping loneliness. Once I actually did stick it out until the end, I did make it a little while during the afterparty at a bar, which wasn’t unenjoyable at all. So apparently there really might be something endemic to the social construction of wedding receptions themselves that exerts a negative pressure on those in my situation. Sure that’s about 15% to my own personal 85% negative energy coming into the tournament, but it’s worth noting.

So anyway, if you’re ever caught in this situation, what would you do? I am working on cutting a deal with a friend that for local weddings, where you usually do get invited with a +1 to be each other’s platonic date in hopes that this would suck less. But who knows? At the very least speak up and say that maybe it’s not just the two of us having this conversation the other night who have been here at some time. And I know what you would see, LeeAnn Womack, and shut up. Your song sucks anyway.

Elf needs food!

2008-05-27T11:33:00.001-05:00

We hate it when our friends become successful. We hate it when our friends become successful. Oh, look at those clothes. Now look at that face, it's so old. And such a video. Well, it's really laughable. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Time for Musings!

- Well, this Tuesday sure seems like a Monday, so I guess that’s appropriate. Not simply that it was Memorial Day yesterday, but that Sergio (for the record, my other college roommate besides the already-married JoshuaTrees)’s wedding was on a Sunday, which screwed the bejesus (or perhaps be-Adonai) out of my equilibrium. Apparently, traditional Jewish weddings usually take place on Sundays since sundown Friday to sundown Saturday is the holy day. (Shomer fucking Shabbas!) OK. Yeah, I’ll be off-schedule all week.
- Hmm, notable elements. Well, there weren’t any groomsmen or bridesmaids. Just two co-best men (JoshuaTrees and Sergio’s brother) and one maid of honor. Speaking of, is it just me who thinks that despite the potentially heightened importance for women, weddings had to have been invented by men? Both “Maid of Honor” or “Matron of Honor” sound a bit pejorative. Yet “Best Man.” You can’t get better than that. There’s no reference to his marital status as if it means something. Think about it.
- The wedding was held in the Whetstone Park of Roses. First outdoor wedding I’ve been to in a couple years. Couldn’t ask for more perfect weather. Mid-70s and sunny. However, it is not yet rose season and they had no yet bloomed. We joked that Sergio was probably out all Saturday (I just typed “Friday” because that’s when I’m used to the rehearsal dinner being) night with a heat lamp.
- A potential crisis (not a real one, but merely a logistical one) arose when the chairs for the wedding were not delivered. Apparently having the wedding in a public venue proved fortuitous since a park official bargained with JoshuaTrees that we could borrow all the chairs from the park building as long as they were returned and we didn’t tell the city. “Hello, City of Columbus? We have your chairs.”
- This is probably unfair of me, but I’ll have to give a -1 to the wedding couple for their first dance being “It Had To Be You.” Yeah, I’m an asshole to pick on what other people decide to make their special moment, but it seems like a cliché. The leaders in the clubhouse remain Zekers and her husband with the Velvet Underground’s “I’ll Be Your Mirror.”
- However, I am ready to announce a new leader in the wedding cake competition for the weddings I attend. (And couldn’t have come at a better time since the reception food was … well, they could have used the Top Chefs. And yes, I am an asshole. Not overall, just right now). Light green (which was one of their theme colors) buttercream icing on top. A layer of white cake. Then some raspberries. Then some fudge/mousse-like dark chocolate (the best part of course). Then a layer of chocolate cake. Perhaps most importantly, no nasty-ass gelatinous fondant icing! It was absolutely delicious and I totally wanted to jump tables to get another piece like the douchebag in the Notre Dame hat (at a reception, seriously?) that randomly sat down at our table for a few minutes and ate the buckeyes (chocolate-dipped peanut butter balls) at the empty seats.
- So speaking of bad wedding fashion, I can’t say I enjoy getting dressed up either, but there was a dude there wearing a striped collared shirt untucked, khakis, and sneakers. He looked more than a bit like the pre-reinvention Kevin Federline (or 50% of White Sox fans). Seriously. At a wedding. And a pretty conservative wedding at that. I forgot my tie, and unlike when I forgot it at IWasTheWalrus’ wedding, I knew I better borrow one. I don’t have an age on him, but he was old enough to be smoking in the corners of the wedding and reception in front of his parents.
- Speaking of my tie, so this is now at least the second time I’ve forgotten a tie to an out of town wedding and in the fall I forgot a belt for the rehearsal dinner. What exactly might this say about me?
- Can’t say I have much in the way of a personal story for y’all. I will say the fact that my 3rd graders got me sick (AGAIN) might have actually helped me for a while. Since I’ve admittedly been a little emotionally vulnerable of late, sending me to a wedding could conceivably be a recipe for disaster, but feeling sick tends to trump emotionality since your first thought is generally, “Man, I feel like crap.” Sure, maybe by late in the reception the moodiness resurfaces, but that’s a pretty good standoff. By the way, more on receptions later in the week. Just what you always wanted.
- I may never have mentioned this, but Sergio was a master proponent of prop comedy. Among other things, he has been photographed tying himself up in our window blinds cords as well as with poker chips in his eyes in college and various poses involving party hats and favors a couple years ago. (I do have some of the pictures, but not the right to post them. Unlike people on Facebook, I take others into consideration). He did not disappoint when it came to wedding gifts, drinking Coke out of Tiffany champagne flutes and wearing a large ceramic terrine (sp?) on his head while using the lid as a shield.
- So as I mentioned last week, the wedding guests (and I really could have used a roommate since hotel costs = rough, even with a great wedding rate) and wedding party were staying in the same hotel that was housing MARCON, the Multiple Alternative Realities Convention. Unfortunately, we failed in our attempts to infiltrate it. One guy almost got in, until someone finally demanded he pay, and I made several attempts to enter a party room containing a cauldron but the security was having none of it. We did see tons of people walking around in costume. Lots of pirates, corset-clad wenches, people with staffs, 5 guys dressed up as Ghostbusters complete with proton packs, witches, a dragon, and various other characters. Apparently someone confused with a Furries convention (or a Flaming Lips video) showed up in a rat costume. The costuming element was apparently huge and likely essential, so I guess it wasn’t alternate reality like the game they were playing on The Office. It was legitimately nerdy in ways beyond my comprehension. However, while an easy target, I can’t make fun of it too much, despite sci-fi not being my thing. (Trust me, I have no problem admitting my dork-osity, but that’s not part of it). I’ve been to a couple costume parties in college and once I got past my initial resistance, starting to play to character was kinda enjoyable. So I could see how they might be enjoying themselves if everyone commits to it. And people looked like they were having fun, so who am I to begrudge them that? Probably a decently peaceful crowd as far as conventions go. I did manage to secure the sign for the convention at the front of the hotel after it ended and give it to Sergio as a wedding gift, and we were kinda sad that it ended because it was providing entertainment.
- For those Deadspin readers out there, I too was highly disappointed not to encounter Wizard Cat.
- Speaking of Wizard Cat, time for the Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! Make a toast, all you punks, to the title I'm holding. Eazy-E's fucked up and got the Uggla rolling. (8yearoldsdude would like to interject that the police are on his drawers ...). This past week (not counting yesterday which will actually count in the coming week – stupid Tuesday Musings), he went 7-21 with 3 doubles, 3 home runs, 6 RBIs, and 1 stolen base. This means he’s now Ugglaed his way up to .318 with 18 doubles, 1 triple, 16 homers, 37 RBIs, and 2 steals. Those 16 homers currently lead the entire Major Leagues, now tied with fellow second baseman Chase Utley. According to a wedding guest who lives in Ft. Lauderdale and follows the Marlins, he kinda sucks at fielding. But they don’t put errors in the tracker I’ve got, so we can stay blissfully ignorant. Don’t forget to vote Uggla for this year’s All-Star game.
- Speaking of voting, PETA is having its yearly vote for Sexiest Vegetarians, male and female. I would encourage you to vote for Kristen Bell, who shows up again later, but it’s really up to you. I think I mentioned this last year, but it strikes me as funny that they kinda have to scrape the barrel a bit for a full list of guys. Anthony Peeler?
- Speaking of peelers, time for Top Chef-ery! Dale losing was certainly not one of their “lifetime achievement award” votes since there are certainly at least two or three less talented chefs still there. Let’s all pour out a little Halo-Halo in his honor. Gotta give Spike his due for choosing décor and service, knowing it would keep him away from the potential train wreck. Speaking of, there was a part in the show where Spike was stirring soup with his hat in his other hand and I kept thinking, “Oh my God, please ladle some into your hat! That would be the awesomest thing ever.” Gorgonzola cheesecake? Sorry, that still sounds nasty, but admittedly, I don’t really like Gorgonzola. I need to step up my barista skills so Stephanie will take me to Spain. Is it just me or are the prizes kinda uneven. Last week, Dale won a giant bottle of Merlot (and a trip to a California vineyard), and I totally wanted to see him pull a “Sideways” and be like, “I ain’t drinkin’ any fucking merlot!” That “laksa” soup, if not for the fact that it tasted like smoke, actually looked tasty. Might have to keep my eye out for it on a menu. Speaking of, go figure that Anthony Bourdain brought more to the table in terms of actual constructive criticism in one episode than Colicchio has all season. So does Antonia wear her t-shirt reading “Yo, biotch!” around her daughter? And exactly what the heck is a “gastropub” anyway?
- They’re doing a nonexistent job of publicizing this, but on the off chance you want it, you can get chocolate whipped cream at Starbucks. It tastes like … chocolate whipped cream. Yeah, as of 2 weeks ago.
- Back to baseball for a second, Major League Baseball is discussing instituting instant replay for home run calls after the Mets’ Carlos Delgado and Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez were both robbed of home runs by bad calls in the past week. Now I’m in favor of getting the call right, so it wouldn’t bother me, but home runs get replay and not other stuff? Does that in some way feed into the whole “chicks dig the longball” mentality that resulted in the steroid infestation? More importantly, if the home runs missed had been by players on the Mariners and Padres instead of New York teams, do you think there would be a commotion? Me neither.
- I haven’t had time to watch the Grey’s finale yet, though I’ve been decently immersed in spoilers thanks to KJ Choi. I’ll address it either later this week or next Monday.
- So I can’t say I’m going to see the new Indiana Jones movie. Not only does it look stupid, but Indiana Jones was never really my bag, and why I can’t say. I will say that as a kid, I was tremendously disappointed to discover that “Raiders of the Lost Ark” had nothing to do with Noah’s Ark. Seriously.
- That’s not the only potential cinematic blasphemy I’ve committed in the past week. I almost got thrown out of a table of school friends for defending one’s lack of seeing “E.T.” by saying she wasn’t really missing anything. Got me as to why. I wasn’t even impressed as 6-year-old Senor Beavis in the theatre. And I certainly can’t claim to have been a movie snob back then since I enjoyed a lot of shitty movies growing up. Maybe my frustration with Spielberg as a storyteller (I won’t argue his eye) does run that deep.
- So with that in mind, time for a Bend It Movie Review! So I finally went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall last week. Holy God, Kristen Bell managed to look even hotter than usual. It’s entirely possible I have some decent daydream material for my impending classes. And I will say it takes effective scripting to make Mila Kunis seem like a more attractive option than KB, though I will admit to extreme bias. A lot has been made of the male nudity, but I have to say that for coming out of the shower, the dude’s loaded. I did find it to be worth my $8 in funny. My favorite part was the meta discussion of “Pulse,” considering I was one of the few people unfortunate enough to see it. Really enjoyed the Dracula song mid-movie and the “Crime Scene” scenes, as well as a worlds-colliding scene in the credits with KB and a celebrity man-crush, Jason Bateman. Nice job using “Nothing Compares 2U” after I’d mentioned it in a class presentation a few weeks back. (I swear it was in context). The “wacky” resort characters are a movie formula, but they were appropriately funny, and even when Paul Rudd is kinda phoning it in, he still has perfect comic timing. Russell Brand, the guy who played Aldous Snow, is apparently a British stand-up comedian, and I’d kinda be interested to see what his act is like. Weaknesses, well if Sarah Marshall kinda likes having her guy play second fiddle, at least according to that flashback where Peter is always holding her purse, exactly what did she want out of her relationship with Aldous Snow? Is the whipped husband going to be a regular fixture of Apatow Players films now along with weed and gay jokes? The hilariously bad pickup lines (“Having intercourse with you would be a nice treat for me”) at the beginning become less hilarious since they apparently resulted in lots of sex. Exactly how does that happen? My biggest question is do you think that Sarah Marshall got a fair shake at the end? They could have made her a one-note character, but didn’t. The character development involved in a few humanizing scenes, particularly her rant addressing Peter’s own half of the failings in the relationship, made things appropriately more complex. So in that light, his telling her off may come across, well, cruel. She’s hurting too, so taking that and flipping it into a revenge aspect seems cheap. Then again, maybe I’m just being overly generous considering the actress involved.
- And finally – and this really doesn’t work unless you hit the link – in a scenario straight out of “Austin Powers 2,” apparently while giving a speech in Moscow, former chess champion Garry Kasparov was attacked by a remote-control flying wang. There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.

Hey Sergio, it's getting kinda hot in here. I said, hey Sergio, it's getting kinda hot in here. I said, hey.

We didn't have MTV. We had the f***ing supermarket

2008-05-23T08:01:00.000-05:00

So sometimes I wonder that if I ever did stats on what I've been posting lately, what percentage would be devoted to hooker stories and stuff I see at the supermarket. That's a rightful criticism. A good one and thorough. The only defense is that the supermarket is a veritable wonderland of hilarity. Even if I wasn't going around taking pictures of mistake-laden signage, comedy still ensues. Seriously, try it some time. Just walk around browsing the shelves and see what makes you laugh.

Today, though, we're dealing with mistake-laden signage. Some days it's amazing the difference just one letter can make when people can't fucking spell. For instance, here at Jewel, they are selling a "Playmat." Apparently this is some sort of surface you can unroll and it has pictures of roads and stuff that you can move some toy cars around. It even comes with some cheap toy cars. No, it doesn't sound particularly fun to me, but since they're throwing in the toy cars, it's at least comprehensive and not a bad deal.

However, what Jewel is advertising here is something completely different:

Hope you all have more restful and relaxing Memorial Day weekend plans than another wedding. Looks like good weather all over.

The greatest story in the history of the world ... of warcraft

2008-05-21T13:50:00.001-05:00

So about a week ago, I’m minding my own business when Recursive Footnotes delivers about the funniest story ever written. According to the story, a 13-year-old in Texas used a fake credit card to buy hookers after apparently winning a World of Warcraft tournament. However, instead of doing the proverbial wild thing, he and his friends paid $1000 a night to each hooker to play Halo on Xbox. Seriously, it doesn’t get much better than that. However, Recursive Footnotes, master of dramatic timing that he is, managed to send me a story apparently exposing the Halo Hooker story as a hoax right while I was writing up a piece about the story itself last Friday. But should we let this get us down? Maybe a little, but not completely.

As you may have discovered Monday, I have a little experience getting fooled by media hoaxes. Very little, as in exactly one, and I tend to think most videos sent to me are staged, but that’s still experience. And the key to a good hoax is that it’s eminently believable. So let’s take a look at this story and try to determine, if it is in fact a hoax, just how good of one it would be.

So the kid’s 13. We’re off to a very good start. The logic center really hasn’t gotten to one’s brain at 13 to match the hormones. Just think of some of the ideas you had at 13 that made a degree of sense to you. When I was 15, I thought that lying in the snow outside a girl’s house would make her want to go out with me, and that’s adding 2 years life experience. It’s also believable that once actually contracting the hookers, they would be terrified. I’m 30, and if you got me a hooker, I’d be much more likely to play Xbox with her than receive any services, and I’ve never even touched an Xbox in my life. So yeah, this story works so far. Apparently, the story the kid gave the cops was that his father was OK with him using his credit card since he hadn’t gotten him a birthday present yet. OK, that’s pushing credibility. However, according to the story, that’s only what the kid told the cops, not necessarily what he actually believed. At 13, he likely doesn’t have a great conception of financial perspective, especially if his dad’s loaded. So while he might have had an idea that ordering the hookers was wrong, that’s probably it. So for the most part, I’ll allow all this.

Now to where it gets sketchy. Apparently, when the hookers balked at his age, he claimed he and his friends were little people from a traveling circus and State law prohibited discrimination against them. Yeah, I don’t believe that. Unless these are the two stupidest hookers in the history of the world … of warcraft. (Well, it is Texas). Who’s gonna actually believe they’re circus performers? I’d guess that little people still don’t have prepubescent voices. The hookers should have made them show them their goods to prove they had actually achieved puberty. If they were gonna try to sell it, they should have said they had Turner’s Syndrome. Sure, only women can get it, but unless the hookers are working their may through medical school or watch SVU regularly, who’s going to know that? A more pressing issue is that seeing as how prostitution is illegal, and therefore not a regulated industry, hookers can deny service to anyone they want. If that’s your line of work, you should at least know that.

Apparently, this occurred after winning a World of Warcraft tournament, and he thought it was “the thing to do.” Now I could be wrong here, since everything I know about World of Warcraft comes from South Park, but how does a 13-year-old win a tournament? Isn’t there some sort of strategy involved? If so, a 13-year-old shouldn’t be winning anything unless he’s like the Bobby Fischer of World of Warcraft. And he doesn’t appear to be that, although admittedly Bobby Fischer was also socially inept. Who was he competing against, Leeroy Jenkins?

Finally, the last line of the article mentions that the kid wants to be a politician when he grows up. That’s just a bit too perfect. As I would say, that’s overwriting the joke.

But what if the allegation of a hoax is a hoax in itself? If you look at the two, the stories don’t match up completely. Sure, the hoax story may say that there’s no arrest record or conviction record in Newark, TX of this kind, which would appear to be pretty compelling evidence. But aren’t juvie records sealed? Also, the story alleging the hoax says that the kid used his dad’s credit card to buy the hookers. The story itself said that the kid ordered a card from his dad’s credit card company. It also does say that he stole his dad’s credit card, but aren’t those somewhat contradictory. It could just be bad reporting on the part of the original story.

So yeah, it’s most likely a hoax, which is really too bad because this story was probably too good to be true. But to give credit where credit is due, it’s decently believable to a point. Change a few details to make them less outrageous and you could probably work it. Just ask James Frey or the chick that was JT LeRoy or anyone writing a reality show.

So just the other day, I was informed – and hopefully this wasn’t a hoax – that the official hotel of the wedding I’m attending this weekend is also housing the Multiple Alternate Realities sci-fi convention. (“Behind this trap door – more orcs!”). I asked Sergio if he could hold the wedding in one of the alternate realities, preferably one where my date is Kristen Bell. Short of that, I’ll have my hooker alert set to level orange.

She's so hot she makes me sexist

2008-05-19T14:05:00.000-05:00

I asked her if she wanted 2 dance and she said that all she wanted was a good man and wanted 2 know if I thought I was qualified, yeah. And I said, “Baby don't waste your time.” I know what's on your mind. I may be qualified 4 a one night stand. But I could never take the place of your man. Time for Musings!

- New strategy today. I’m gonna lead with the awesomest thing I have for you. That’s Numberwang! (Special thanks to Deadspin commenter Yostal for bringing this to my attention).
- So we had a celebrity sighting yesterday. Stephanie Izard from Top Chef was in my Starbucks yesterday. Of all the dramatic things I’ve ever seen! I didn’t actually work up the nerve to confirm who she was, especially since she was with someone (the guy actually looked a bit like Richard, but wasn’t), but a customer asked on the way out. So not much to tell. I know she can’t say anything until the show’s over anyway. Apparently she smiled when wished good luck and stopped to pet a dog on the way out. She’s actually cute in person, and really does look about 25, even though she’s allegedly 31. A co-worker said she’s actually in pretty often, so I suppose we’re the official Starbucks of Stephanie from Top Chef. Yay us! (I guess I probably shouldn’t say which store I work at just in terms of making myself slightly more difficult to find).
- On that note, time for Top Chef-ery! Can’t get too excited over people arguing over food that didn’t look that good and allegedly didn’t taste that good. Probably could have booted a handful of people for that. I think the only dish the entire episode that looked delicious was Antonia’s spinach salad, but I’m biased because I LOVE spinach salad. Just look in my fridge. Richard’s tuna wrap sounded pretty good too, at least without his commentary. Props to Dale for using bison. I didn’t want to eat his dish because I don’t really like lettuce wraps, but that decision was what won him the challenge. If he’d only made bison samosas out of it. It was admittedly kinda funny that apparently everyone hates each other now (or so says the editing), so the snark is getting better. As much as I don’t like chicken salad, was it fair of the judges to hold Spike to a higher standard than the others since he had the advantage from the first challenge? Is it really an advantage then? By the way, putting corn and pineapple in the same salad? Not sure how he won for that. I love pineapple, but the corn killed that dish for me. The guest judge is TOTALLY Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. And why is a dude who didn’t win in a previous season judging? I guess now I should root for Stephanie since she’s our customer. But it would be kinda funny if Spike won just because everyone would be pissed off. He won’t, since he doesn’t have the talent, but it would be funny. The real question is what did they do with all the unhealthy food they threw on the table? I sense a potential tragedy here.
- Speaking of, so Diesel sent me this Orioles Magic video slightly before I saw it on Deadspin and, oh my goodness. I wonder what the behind the scenes looks like. They had to have been like, “You gotta be kidding me. Stupid contract!” Anyway, Adam Jones totally looks like he stole his hat from Spike from Top Chef. And that’s a compliment … well, never.
- Apropos of absolutely nothing, I saw a listing for a show about actor Jeremy Piven’s journey to India. Seriously. I thought it was a joke too. I almost feel like I should have watched it since it might have been 8 posts of comedy gold, but my level of comedic masochism is more around The OCk.
- Speaking of comedy gold, props to our friends (OK, friend) over at Chicagoist for winning the alleged Alternative Media Slam over Time Out Chicago, Gapers Block, and (huh?) the Red Eye. Well, I think they’re using the term “alternative media” a little loosely there considering the Red Eye is owned by the Tribune and is about as edgy as Rachael Ray and Stuart Scott. And Time Out is allegedly owned by Donald Trump, who’s about as alternative as American Idol. And Chicagoist has advertisements for Coldplay on their site, who are about as alternative as … well, Coldplay. So it’s almost a win by default for Gapers Block if you’re tightening the technical screws. Hey, I suppose I’m alternative media. Why wasn’t I invited? The greater question is exactly what constitutes a “Media Slam.” There better be video, honcho!
- Speaking of media, Bill Simmons appears to be having some sort of conflict with ESPN (*cough*cough*publicity stunt*cough*cough) resulting in his reconvening a side blog and comparing himself to the main character in “The Firm.” If this results in Bill Simmons on video doing “The Firm running,” I’m all for it.
- Apparently, a scientist at East Carolina University named a newly discovered species of spider after Neil Young, “Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi.” The bigger news was that it wasn’t 8yearoldsdude. You sure you’re still in Boston?
- As I get ready for another showdown with the airport on Saturday (although it’s Midway this time), I read that a Southwest passenger in Texas was arrested for refusing to get off his cell phone during the flight. Apparently, when asked, he repeatedly responded, “Kiss my ass!” This guy, Joe David Jones, has accomplished a rare feat. Despite being head of an environmental start-up company, he is still in the running for Biggest Douchebag Ever. Remember, it’s my credentials. See, this is why they should have ninjas on flights. The use of excessive force in getting Joe David Jones off his phone has been approved.
- Speaking of douchery, some British author wrote a critique of “Sex and the City” saying that it takes place in a “pre-feminist society.” While I’m not sure I agree with all of his argument, I find this line to be officially awesome.
- Speaking of, not only were London moviegoers treated to the spectacle that is the Sex and the City movie, they were also forced to endure this hat. Holy Christ! I really hope that figures prominently in the movie. And I do love the irony that Sex and the City is wearing nearly the same hat as Paris Hilton. Wait, is that irony? Not really. They’re kinda the same.
- Speaking of bad fashion, I think there’s really only one outfit that’s awful enough to accompany that hat. What the balls is this? Who thought this was a good idea. Is that in effect overalls? Which aren’t hot under any circumstances, sorry. Gack, this is why you shouldn’t allow people around spring weather.
- Speaking yet again of bad fashion, what on earth is up with Rachel Bilson (aka Girl Who Looks Like She’s 14 from The OCk)’s shoes? Are they the worst booties ever? Did she forget to take them out of the wrapping paper? Is this somehow Hayden Christensen’s fault?
- Still on bad fashion, New York Yankees DH and “former” steroid user Jason Giambi recently said that when he’s in a slump, he puts on a lucky thong. Well, I’m not one to judge (about this). I guess if women can do it, so can guys. However, he also said that he’s loaned it to teammates such as Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon. YUCK! Maybe it’s just me, but I want no part of anything that’s been up someone else’s ass. Guy’s or girl’s. The real question, for those who’ve seen “Knocked Up,” is whether all the Yankees now have pink eye?
- Time for the Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my Uggla down, flip it, and reverse it. It’s Alggu. It’s Agglu. (I’ll take my high-five whether you want to give it to me or not). Anyway, holy crap! Uggla’s still en fuego. This past week, he went 12-22 with 4 doubles, 2 home runs, and 4 RBIs. After such a ridiculous week (eat it, Soriano), he’s Ugglaed his way up to .316 with 15 doubles, 1 triple, 13 homers, 31 RBIs, and 1 stolen base. That’s Numberwang!
- By the way, apologies for not finding the video of the Uggla song of the week last week, which was "I'm Downright Amazed at What I Can Destroy With Just a Hammer." Here it is.
- OK, apologies for bringing this up after I blasted the media coverage of it. But if we’re going to have extensive media coverage of this whole New England Patriots thing, why is it just Bill Belichick who has to answer for it? I think at the very least there’s an insufferable toad in South Bend, IN, who might have been involved and is getting a free pass. To be fair, Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel is also getting a free pass. And New York Jets coach Eric Mangini, who was apparently the whistle blower on the whole thing, waits until it’s against his team to bitch. It’s OK when he’s benefiting as a Patriot. For the record, I still don’t think this is a big deal, but just want to point out further hypocrisy in the storytelling.
- So Tony Romo allegedly broke up with Jessica Simpson, proving he may not be completely retarded after all. More interesting, if you can call it that, is a “Simpson pal” claims that she’s still so hung up on John Mayer that she flipped out when he and Jennifer Aniston went public, prompting the break-up. (Although it’s also rumored that he got freaked out by her predilection for autoerotic asphyxiation. Creepy. I’d be freaked out too. That’s one step from necrophilia). So from what they tell me, the one close to her that’s always quoted anonymously is her dad. Which we all know is creepy. And he’s the one who staged the whole Romo thing in the first place. But what exactly does he hope to accomplish by announcing that she can’t John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston together. Also, should I feel bad for her? She’s obviously so stunted that she can’t take control of any facet of her life at all, but to what extent is this her fault and to what extent is she to blame for allowing it to happen? And also, it’s John freaking Mayer. Come on.
- I think there’s really only one thing to do in this situation. We have to set up Jessica Simpson with Zach Braff. Wait, have they dated already? I don’t think so. It’s so perfect. He’s the less talented equally douchey John Mayer. Problem solved.
- OK, since we’re already in the gutter with this story, I read this morning that apparently John Mayer’s exes have a difficult time getting over him because he and Big Brown have something in common. They both like to eat oats! OK, not really. Anyway, this is a tricky one. As a knee-jerk, I’d like to say this is shallow of these ladies. And I have no doubt that some of his exes are in fact shallow. (At least one). But I can’t draw a female equivalent. I can’t say it would be like if a woman had big boobs because the boobs aren’t involved in the actual physical act of love itself and therefore probably don’t involve the same amount of biological determinism to attraction. (And now I have plenty of guys writing in to dispute science, perhaps including me). So this is just one of those things I’m probably not meant to understand. That’s Numberwang!
- Wow, I guess I actually do have an in-context reason to link this picture of some chick riding a giant mechanical wang at some porn convention or something in South Africa.
- Speaking of things I’m not meant to understand, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson apparently got married over the weekend in an Alice in Wonderland-themed ceremony. Yikes. So the entire thing was an extended drug metaphor? I think I’m just as well not seeing pictures of this since I’m scared of Alice in Wonderland. Also scary is the report that Jessica Simpson was there with Tony Romo, right after I wrote the previous item about them last night. Information I could have used yesterday. Oh whatever, I’ll keep it since it’ll probably happen for real eventually.
- Time for Grey’s Anatomy Chat! OK, so I seriously have the best idea for the Grey’s Anatomy finale ever. It’s just too bad they don’t have the guts to do it. It would be intriguing and satisfying for the audience. How about an hour of just Meredith in therapy the entire time? That’s really all that’s interesting right now, just to see if they follow through or just wuss out and have her have a miracle cure or quit when Derek takes her back. I’d totally watch that. It’s just too bad they’re wasting time hoping we’ll care about Alex and Juliette Lewis. Or Dr Webber and Marla Hendricks. Or this godforsaken 3-some plotline. God, if they actually go through with that, I might actually hurl. So is it Alex’s secret fantasy to be the all-encompassing protector of an invalid? That’s all I’ll say about that plotline except it’s still creepy. I appreciate that they’re finally having Cristina start dealing with Burke’s leaving her. It is realistic that when you put it off, it will kick you in the ass later anyway. And it’s also realistic that when you feel like shit about yourself and just everything in general, that she would lash out at people like she’s doing. Although I thought speaking for Meredith to Lexie wasn’t really as realistic and Meredith totally sucked by not telling her that was out of line since it didn’t seem to necessarily be the truth. What does it say that George has better chemistry with Bailey’s baby than either she or DeShawn Hardell do? OK, seriously, could we please give Rose like some backstory or character development or something? Even if this is obviously just the show killing time, they can at least give her the benefit of some semblance of a character so she’s an actual person. They might as well not even give her a name at this point. And one more technical gripe. I’ve said this before on The OCk, but f they’re going for some sort of reveal, they should put the guest credits at the end instead of the beginning. They actually did it right by not billing Kyle Chandler at the beginning last year. But by listing Jefferey Sams (aka Terrence Cook from Veronica Mars Season 2), anyone who knows who he is knows that Andre is real because they have a handsome black man in the credits who hasn’t shown up yet. I don’t know if that’s just lazy or just lack of commitment to a one-episode plotline, but it’s still poorly done.
- Speaking of poorly done, last week, ESPN.com had a video link advertising “Terrell Owen’s acting debut.” ARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!
- And finally, ESPN seems to think they’re going to launch a new platform on its networks called “ESPN Rise” targeting pre-teens and teenagers. Huh? So actual adults are supposed to think Stuart Scott is cool? Anyway, I’ve read the proposal and think it sucks. It totally needs more krumping.

We’re goin’ boom boom boom, and that’s the way we live. In a great big room, and that’s the way we live.

No "Stairway?" Denied!

2008-05-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

Well, you gotta love when you're in the middle of writing up a story and someone (the same person who sent you the story in the first place) sends you an email saying that story is a hoax. I at least hope I gained some writing practice from it.

Anyway, apparently the city of Chicago is not such a fan of my favorite Radiohead song (on the days that it's not "Idioteque").

Church on time, terrifies me. Church on time, makes me party

2008-05-14T10:21:00.001-05:00

Yay for getting to use one of my favorite songs in context! Anyway, this would be more appropriate next week before going to Sergio’s wedding, but we got what we got. We’re close enough.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I was conversing with a couple friends about weddings and one mentioned a pair of friends’ wedding in which she said there was some legitimate doubt that the groom would actually make it to the altar. There was apparently an escape plan involving a few people including my friend’s husband, in case he didn’t go through with it. She mentioned this like it was semi-universal and I replied that I’ve never been to a wedding where there was any legitimate doubt that it would go off. That’s part of why I joke when asked how the latest wedding I attended went, I always say, “It was a successful wedding. Everyone’s married.” But yeah, I’ve never been to a wedding that was in doubt and I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this happening outside of TV and movies. I did mention that every wedding I’ve been to, the people are “super-married,” so of course there was no doubt. But why should there be?

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the nervousness and questioning that come with a major life decision. And as someone with a probably fear of commitment, this should resonate more. But I’d have to think this would get addressed before the actual wedding. I know people who’ve had engagements called off. That’s decently normal, even though it sucks. But waiting until the wedding itself? Does this actually happen? Was my friend being dramatic?

I wonder maybe … OK, this is going to sound bad, but maybe my lack of exposure to such a phenomenon is at least partially related to where I’m from. Maybe in areas, and I could even mean sub-areas, not just areas of the country, where people are more encouraged to get married earlier, weddings could be more in doubt. If enough outside pressure is felt and people are engaged at ages at which one might not be ready for life-changing decisions (like right after college), the disaster potential skyrockets. To my family’s credit, I haven’t gotten a lot of direct pressure, which is nice. My mom’s recently gotten on my case for being single, but I suppose that giving me until now to turn the screw isn’t bad. Hell, I’ve gotten on my case for being single, but mostly just because I realize the extent to which the demise of most of my relationships can be traced to the same issue and I kinda hate myself for it. But if I were under different cultural and community circumstances and pressured earlier, lord only knows what messes I could have made of things.

But anyway, I have two questions for anyone who happens to be hanging around today. As already mentioned, have you been to a wedding whose execution was in doubt, and secondly, have you been to a wedding where you were like, “Yeah, I’m not so sure about this one?” I haven’t yet. And admittedly, it’s judgmental. And not all divorces occur because the people shouldn’t have been married in the first place. But has this ever happened to you? I can cop to a few engagements where I wasn’t so sure when I first heard, but I came around by the time of the wedding. Speaking of, and this applies to both questions, most friends I’ve had engaged have had a decently long time between the engagement and the wedding. Almost all over and year and most closer to a year and a half. Would you think this helps the success rate of the weddings? I would, but that’s just me, since you can try to get a lot of the hang-ups out of the way along the way.

Summer wedding season is right around the corner. So prepare to get out your finest finery and sweat your ass off. That might be one of the few circumstances where ladies have it easier fashion-wise. And unless your friends are all high-rollers, no destination weddings, people.

And behind this trap door ... more orcs!

2008-05-12T16:07:00.001-05:00

Damn, I wish I was your lover! I'd rock you till the daylight comes. Made sure you are smiling and warm. I am everything, tonight I'll be your mother. I'll do such things to ease your pain. Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed. Time for Musings!

- So that song’s been making me laugh for about a good 15 years now (if you ever wanted to feel old along with me), but in honor of Mother’s Day, I still have to point out that “tonight I’ll be your mother,” that’s a little less funny and kinda creepy. Sure, I’m always pointing out shit like calling someone “baby” is also creepy, but still.
- Apparently yesterday was the 100th anniversary of the first official Mother’s Day in the United States. As of now, I don’t believe we have any actual mothers among the Tourists. I tried to convince Zekers to have her baby a few weeks early so we could celebrate, but as of now, we have only a soon-to-be mother. Which is good enough for a celebration anyway. Hooray!
- So speaking of Mother’s Day, here’s a royal dilemma for someone like me. Similar to most guys (and girls who are actual sports fans), I can’t stand the pink versions of baseball team caps. And can’t stand the Cubs having their now yearly giveaway, because it means I have to stop making fun of the Red Sox, who lead the majors in pink hats, leading someone, and I forget who, to coin their fans “Pink Hat Nation.” Anyway, the Cubs smartly moved this year’s giveaway to coincide with Mother’s Day and Major League Baseball’s yearly tribute to breast cancer awareness for which many players wear pink ribbons and play with pink bats. So what do you do if you’re me? I sort of grudgingly have to accept the hats in their place at yesterday’s game. But if I see one on the street or at another game, I’d probably be quick to judge. But then if they told me it had to do with breast cancer … damn you, Chewbacca Defense!!!!!
- Speaking of baseball, time for the Bend It Official Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just an Uggla. And I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just an Uggla. Holy hell, y’all! In the last week, Uggla went 7-20 with 1 double, 4 freaking home runs, and 8 RBIs, mostly at the expense of the Washington Nationals. He’s now Ugglaed his way up to .279 with 11 doubles, 1 triple, 11 homers, 27 RBIs, and 1 stolen base. Those 11 home runs place him 3rd in the National League. Yes, it does help to have Bend It on your side (unless you’re Marcel Goc). Not only that, but he hit 2 of those 4 homers on Mother’s Day. Hooray for Mrs. Uggla!
- Apologies for the inside joke, but Jenna Bush got married over the weekend. No word yet on whether anyone shit themselves.
- Here’s another dilemma. Now no one loves free pizza as much as I do (right, IWasTheWalrus?), but apparently people in Ohio waited up to 5 hours for $.23 pizzas as part of a promotion for Papa John’s. How long would you wait for free pizza? Now admittedly, I hate Papa John’s pizza. If it was free, maybe 5-10 minutes. That might go up to 30 minutes or so if it were Pequod’s or Lou Malnati’s. It’s really a struggle for the ages for me between one of my absolute favorite things – free pizza – and one of my absolute least favorite things – waiting in line. Damn you, Chewbacca Defense!!!!!
- So while I’ve been fighting some unfortunate Starbucks scheduling, including my being scheduled to work on my volunteer day tomorrow even though I asked for it off and the combo of the early hours and getting caught in the rain resulting in my getting sick, my manager did bail me out and get someone to take the last couple hours of my shift yesterday so I could have brunch with Diesel and Mrs. Diesel as planned months ago. Had this not worked, however, I had concocted a plan that would have worked brilliantly. They were in town for a wedding, and without yesterday’s window, I would have crashed the non-dinner part of the reception. For the dinner they have placecards and quotas and shit, but the drinks and appetizers part is unmonitored. (It helps that I’ve met the woman whose wedding it was, so I probably wouldn’t have gotten thrown out even if discovered). So if you ever want to get free (hopefully) drinks and you’re already dressed up or you want to wreck havoc on someone who didn’t invite you to their wedding, there’s your window.
- Speaking of innovation, the drink of the future, if Starbucks wouldn’t be so afraid to take chances … Espresso Lemonade!!!! I mean, who doesn’t like their lemonade with a smoky aftertaste? Sure, it may not be awesome, but it’s a lot less terrible than it sounds. And a hell of a good drink if you enjoy convincing people you’re crazy.
- I don’t know if anyone else watches “Baseball Tonight,” but if Steve Berthiaume, in addition to his incomprehensible wannabe catchphrase (“Fill thine horn with oil and go?” What the fuck is that?), perpetually refers to the Boston Red Sox simply as “The Nation.” (Hey, remember what I was talking about last Friday? Res ipsa fucking loqitur). Dear Mr. Berthiaume, “Red Sox Nation” is a contrived nickname for the Red Sox FAN BASE. Not the team itself. On top of being a Boston suck-up, you’re a fucking idiot.
- So a couple weeks ago I mentioned a video of Red Sox and Yankees fans fighting and mentioning how hilarious it was that people would fight with each other over teams that involve neither of the combatants. Well, a Yankees fan in Nashua, NH, was charged reckless second-degree murder after running her car into a bunch of Red Sox fans who were chanting “Yankees suck” at her, killing one of them. OK, I’m really trying to take this seriously, but it’s still funny. Maybe not the actual death part, but the whole driving over people because they hate the Yankees. Yes, if you were wondering, she was drunk, but there’s still a thought process in there that ended with this being a good idea, and the fact that such possibilities exist pretty much explains the existence of comedy in the world.
- Aside from starring in the hilariously-named “Women’s Murder Club,” which is apparently actually on TV and apparently does not involve them killing anyone, and being a favorite of 8yearoldsdude, Angie Harmon apparently thought this outfit was a good idea. And looks slightly skeletal. Now I’ve never had an attachment to Angie Harmon since I didn’t yet watch Law & Order during her time, but I think 8yearoldsdude would want us to blame this on Jason Sehorn.
- I’ve never watched CSI, but I will give them credit for this brilliant overhead line from a commercial for last Thursday’s episode: “That rubber chicken has your DNA all over it.” There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- OK, I’d like to nominate R. Kelly’s lawyer as the best lawyer ever. Apparently, according to newspapers, his trial for his arrest in freaking 2002 for having sex with a 13-year-old, is still going on. That’s brilliant in itself. By now, no one freaking cares. I just mean it’s an afterthought. They could print any new allegations they want about him and I’d just be like, “Yeah, whatever. R. Kelly headlines still?” Sure I wonder what his legal fees must be after 6 years of this, but he still doesn’t get paid enough.
- Speaking of sex with 13-year-olds, apparently Karl Malone fathered a child by a 13-year-old while he was a sophomore in college with the Louisiana Tech Male Techsters. Which means, depending on her birthday, she may have been 12 when they did the wild thing. Yuck! So how is that not a bigger story in that I only read about it on Deadspin and nowhere else (except the Buffalo News, which broke the story)? Karl Malone didn’t allegedly do steroids while nailing a 13-year-old. So once again, let me get this straight. 13-year-old sex not OK in baseball and for R. Kelly, but OK in basketball. Steroids not OK in baseball (although they used to be), but reasonably OK in football and for Nike. Damn you, Chewbacca Defense!!!!!
- So up until his weekend hot streak, my current nickname (and as y’all found out last summer, I dorkily give all the Cubs players nicknames) for Alfonso Soriano was “The Black Hole.” Because he was an instant out. Now if I ever took that public, considering KJ Choi and I were planning to go to the game tonight, but are waiting on the weather before buying tickets, do you think that would get me labeled a racist? Soriano is Dominican, not African-American. But I’m not sure I want to take that risk. Update: We bailed on the game. The atmosphere is lousy with Clovers today.
- Speaking of risks, apparently Lindsay Lohan will appear on “Ugly Betty” for the final episode this season and a few episodes next season. Now I hate stunt casting as much as the next guy, but if that’s not about the worst idea ever, what is? First of all, when your star is routinely praised for being down-to-earth, who’s about the last person you want her hanging around. Apparently, it’s been reported that America Ferrera and Lindsay Lohan “really hit it off.” If I’m Silvio Horta (executive producer), that sentence would probably knock 5 years off my life. It’s only a matter of time before Ferrera joins the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for real. Also, do you really want Lindsay Lohan around all your designer clothes, even if they are props? You’ll have to do next season in kabuki makeup.
- Time for Grey’s Anatomy Chat! So I forgot to say this last week, but you new interns are so lame. I’ve been saying “coding” for at least a year. OK, so I will say that if I didn’t know how this story was going to end in the season finale, I actually would feel really bad for Meredith. Having to see that person even at all when you can’t get your mind untracked from them and you think about them no matter how much you tell yourself not to and knowing that it’s your fault (it isn’t, but since the show says it is, I’m going to say it is just for the point I’m making) is excruciating, but having to see that person every day all the time must be unbearable. I guess Meredith is better than me since I’d change hospitals. Then again, she knows they’re getting back together. Speaking of “unbearable,” maybe I’m just mean to Cristina, but how exactly did you get to be Burke’s “hand” in the first place? Oh, right. It was because you were in a relationship. And you used your sexuality to get ahead. (Fine, I’ll take the bullet for saying it because she did). So unfairness is only unbearable when it works against you? Shut the fuck up. Meredith killed Santiago from FNL! So how is Juliette Lewis supposed to pretend she’s pregnant? Is she going to get the Bree Hodge stages of pregnancy suit? OK, this should be a momentous week because Bailey actually rocked this episode for the first time in a couple years. In addition to telling the nurses to shut up and take responsibility for their actions, that thing about being pissed off that it was assumed that she couldn’t have a sexual relationship at the hospital? Now sure, in Dr. Webber’s defense, she’s been “single” for like 2 weeks, but running with the sentiments, while being objectified sucks, not ever being objectified hurts. A lot. The next step is to be able to deliver that speech without crying. Baby steps, Bailey. Sandra Oh is surprisingly good at singing.
- So apparently Puff Daddy got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, not that that means anything anymore. Actually he didn’t. He just took a brush and painted over Notorious B.I.G.’s star.
- So seriously, I really am getting near one post title per 30 Rock episode this season. I need to branch out.
- Apparently John Mayer is dating Jennifer Aniston. I fully condone this union in only that I won’t have to read more gossip stories about either of them for a few weeks.
- Every time I see that T.G.I. Friday’s commercial with that Food Network guy who won some show, I’m like, “Why is Joey Fatone advertising T.G.I. Friday’s?” Then again, why is Guy Fieri advertising T.G.I. Friday’s? (By the way, I secretly like T.G.I. Friday’s. Don’t tell anyone).
- Time for Top Chef-ery! OK, so since this is my first season watching this (curse you, Yed Ped!), what is this alleged “Restaurant Wars” they were so disappointed not to do? So we’re bummed that Nikki lost. Not because she’s a great cook, but as I mentioned a few weeks ago, my friend and her husband have this running impression of her as an old-school porn star. Yeah, I know, yuck! But it was pretty hilarious. This is a terrible thing to say considering I’ll be her age in a few years, but you could see her aging in front of our eyes as the show goes on. That was kinda spooky. So I’m actually curious how Nikki delegates responsibility at her own restaurant since despite having the most experience with Italian food and catering, she wanted no part of a leadership role, which apparently is what got her the boot. I’m not asking to be critical. I’m similarly uncomfortable with telling people to do stuff, despite occasionally being a bit of a control freak, so I have to find creative ways to ask people or wind up trying to do everything myself, so I’m curious as to her strategy. She should have gotten booted just for those tinted glasses alone. What was worse, those or the hats? So apparently Richard is not only straight, he’s married????? I texted Choi about this, who said, “I always thought he was straight, but who would marry someone that wears Crocs?” Wow, so Andrew’s really only been cooking for 5 years and he’s on this show? Now that’s actually impressive! Would have liked to see a lot more of the food this week. Did we even see the brisket dish that Richard was praised for? That is pretty awesome that Stephanie made that wedding cake so quickly, even if it didn’t sound very tasty, but she didn’t get to pick the flavors, I don’t think. And fondant still tastes like wallpaper. It was a slam dunk that the groom’s cake would taste better. The look on Lisa’s face while the rest of her team was getting ripped after her cake was praised was priceless. Yeah, don’t cater bruschetta EVER. Unles you cook them RIGHT before serving, they’ll be rock solid, market wise. And even then, it’s 50-50. This is also why I don’t particularly like bruschetta, so take my bias into account. So apparently geography really isn’t Dale’s strong suit. This week he tried to psych up Nikki by referring to Staten Island as “Strong Island.” Trust me and anyone who’s been a college freshman on the East Coast and had to hear about it, wrong NY island borough. I think my other favorite part was when Colicchio had to eat it when he asked whose stupid idea was the antipasti and they were like, “The groom’s.” Speaking of, what kind of deal did those two get from the show? Did they just get free wedding food or did they actually make money from Bravo on the deal? Also, I want to see Colicchio actually have to cook something. Better yet, put him Iron Chef and he’ll get his ass handed to him.
- And finally, my favorite story of the week. Apparently three teenagers in Houston were arrested for digging up an 87-year-old skull and then using it as a bong. The body was the grandfather of comedian Denis Leary.

You’ve got your head in the ground. And you got past me. You got your head in the ground. And you got past me. You know I couldn’t see.

I want my Belichick-TV!

2008-05-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

So I turn on my TV yesterday morning, and as luck would have it, Sportscenter was talking yet again about the scandal of the New England Patriots videotaping the other team’s practices and signals and what have you. Or as the mainstream media likes to call it, “Spygate.” I changed the channel because this story is horribly boring and I’ve been hearing about it since September. Now admittedly, what constitutes “news” doesn’t generally take into account whether I’ll find it interesting or not. But is it just me or is this story not only dramatically overdone, but also a likely product of east coast bias?

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t endorse “cheating” in sports or in life, but at what level should the NFL and the media really be looking at what allows this human comedy to perpetuate itself rather than a few videotapes themselves? Now my details on this story are a bit murky, mostly since I don’t pay that much attention, so feel free to jump in and correct me. At the risk of blaming the “victims,” how do you not know that some sketchy dude is taping your practices and games and such? Seriously, unless your organization is mega-cheap like the 49ers, do you know how many coaches and personnel are on staff for any given team? If teams have “quality control coordinators,” and they do, they should likely be out of a job. “Hey, there’s some dude out there with a video camera. It doesn’t have any local TV station or national network logo on it. He doesn’t appear to have any press credentials. Well, he must just be a huge fan of our team.” Seriously, all the teams that let this happen are morons.

To cross sports for a second, just because this is a pet peeve of mine, apparently “stealing signs” in baseball is a huge freaking deal. How ridiculous is that? The entire purpose of signs in the first place, instead of the catcher yelling to the pitcher, “Hey, throw a curveball,” is so the other team won’t know what’s coming. If the other team “steals” your signs, they haven’t committed an egregious act of unprofessionalism; your signs just really suck. Come up with some new ones. Is it cheating to notice someone’s “tell” in poker or infer a run or a pass by where someone is lined up in football? They’re not “stealing” the signs. You’re tipping them off. So it’s on you to not do that. Just like it’s on these teams to make sure the Patriots aren’t hanging out at their practices. If it’s not against the rules that are applied to the scenario, is it really cheating? If the teams and the league let these guys on the sidelines without press credentials, whose fault is that?

Speaking of the league, how hilarious is it that the NFL has made a huge ginormous deal out of this, essentially to cover their own asses for allowing this to happen? However, the outcry certainly seems disproportionate in terms of other things both condoned and enforced by the league. I refuse to get over this, but Shawne Merriman does steroids – STEROIDS – and gets 4 games, a pat on the back, and is the face of the Nike campaign and an NFL Pro-Bowler. Meanwhile, Pacman Jones gets a year for being a complete idiot, but not doing anything resulting to football. And “Spygate” is a yearlong league scandal extravaganza because teams can’t keep the other teams’ videographers off their sidelines? Maybe it’s me, but video cameras don’t make your sterile and I don’t know of any such thing as “video rage,” well except for the fact that MTV used to show cutting-edge music videos instead of “The Hills” and “Jackass.” And one is a lot easier to prevent than the other. So of course, the easy fix that should have been prevented long ago and is really just an extension of other teams’ stupidity is the one I get to hear about daily for a year.

And hearing about it daily for a year brings me to my next question. Exactly how much of this story has to do with the fact that it’s New England, therefore part of the Boston-New York sports media empire? Bristol, CT, where ESPN is located, is closest to Boston, I believe, of any major city, and allegedly most of its residents are Boston fans. New York, the next closest major city, is New York. What teams’ highlights always lead off Baseball Tonight or Sportscenter? Speaking of Sportscenter, even watch the intro? They show about 5 shots of sports, and out of those five, rather than representing 5 sports, one is of the Yankees and another is of the Red Sox. Now I remember an interview with an ESPN executive who, when asked about the prevalence of Yankees-Red Sox overkill on ESPN, who largely is responsible for the nation’s mainstream sports media, said that they do it because it’s been proven out by ratings. (I’ll try to track this down. I think it was one of LeeAnn Schrieber’s pieces as the ESPN ombudsman). So if the network, and all networks, not just ESPN do this, is deciding what’s news based on ratings, wouldn’t you expect a Boston story to get a LOT more run than if this happened somewhere else? I know the comeback is that it’s because the Patriots are good. But what if it were the Colts? How about the Seahawks? Or even better, the early 2000’s Tennessee Titans?

Sure I’m cranky because I don’t like being told to care about something I don’t. Maybe I even was slightly interested when this story broke in September, but seriously, enough already. The NFL jacked one of the Patriots’ draft picks. What else can they really do? Is there really a point in asking for all the backlogged video? “Hey, here’s video from 2002. It’s 2008 now. We charged the Patriots a draft pick for doing it in 2007. What do we do about 2002? Nothing.” So lets drop it. I mean, for Christ sakes, former Yankee and Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens may be mowing the lawn. Of all the dramatic things I’ve ever seen!

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster! Or not.

2008-05-07T19:05:00.001-05:00

So for the most part, most people know me as a mild-mannered, if not mild-worded, grad student and blogger (except for my classmates, who know me as “One of the guys who isn’t [Redacted]). However, what most people don’t know is that I have a secret identity. I’m actually an enemy of the state. And I’d been getting along just fine until last Friday. Now the damn Transportation Security Administration is on to me. And I would have gotten away with it too if not for … well, actually I’m still not quite sure, so I’ll just blame Scooby-Doo for the time being.

In all my years, even before 9/11, I’ve almost always been exclusively exceedingly nice to everyone I encounter at the airport. It’s because A) believe it or not, I’m actually a nice person, and B) next to the police, probably no one has the power to fuck up your life more than people working at the airport. How many other strangers can affect your entire plans for the weekend or weeks ahead and what return you receive on a likely large investment? OK, so maybe I did point out to a check-in employee 3 years ago that the reason I missed my check-in time may have had something to do with the line not moving for 20 minutes, but you know where that got me? Taking the L from Midway to O’Hare to try to catch another flight out of pocket, which is exactly where I would have been if I’d said nothing. And OK, maybe the TSA in Columbus, Ohio once pulled me and gave me a quick rubdown after I sleepily mumbled, “No thanks,” when asked, “Would you like to remove your shoes?” But I still contend, and this was before you had to remove your shoes in all airports, that they should have just told me to do it. National security is not something for the passive-aggressive. Asking like my grandma should get you a quick ticket to another line of work. But anyway, given all the various travel maladies that can await me and everyone else, I’m super well-behaved and just smile and say yes. So apparently I have a tell that’s not in my words or facial expressions. Maybe y’all can simulate airport security to help alert me as to what it is.

So last Friday, I’m making my way through security, after missing my check-in time and landing on a flight an hour later, mostly thanks to the L pulling a dead stop for 20 minutes, but also for my not taking into account that the L might do something like stop for 20 minutes. It should be mention that the ticket counter lady who informed me of this complimented both my honesty and my attitude about it, especially after I apologized for wasting her time. (It also helped that I had nothing time-specific going on that afternoon). Anyway, I casually walk through the security arch when prompted and immediately get pulled over to the detention zone. Mind you, I did not set off the alarm. I figure it must be the random inspections that sometimes happen and I’m very good-natured about it. I later see that they pull the couple people behind me and say that the alarm is broken and shut down the gate for a few minutes. I wish they’d told me that, however. Anyway, the dude wands me with the metal detector and after that I figure I’m ready to go about my way, since the wand is the equivalent of the arch. Sure, the wand can’t detect the pound of heroin I have down my pants, but neither can the metal detector arch.

Maybe my thinking I was ready to go tipped them off, but I was good-natured when they said they had to pat me down. So why exactly did I have to roll down my waistband? If I was packing, the wand would have caught that. What if I were a woman and wearing a thong or something? Would there be a sexual harassment suit in there somewhere? I think they really just wanted to see my tramp stamp tattoo that proclaimed I was Threat Advisory Level Orange. So I’m getting patted down, and maybe I look a tiny bit uncomfortable, but wouldn’t you? Yeah, I may have squirmed a bit when they grabbed my stomach, but hey, I’m extra sensitive about my body right now. Sure, I may have furrowed my brow a bit when I got my bozak brushed, but seriously? The ones who you should worry about are those who don’t mind strangers touching them. At least it wasn’t the level of the security at the Aragon Ballroom. Seriously, the security at the Aragon has gotten further with me than any girl ever has. Anyway, I didn’t say anything and remained outwardly calm and compliant.

So finally I think I’m off to catch my flight, not knowing the additional 3-hour delay awaiting me, but no. I go to put on my shoes and they want to go through my black backpack. Despite the carry-on scanner apparently working fine. So OK. Except they try to distract me/interrogate my while they’re going through my bag. This dude is asking me what I do for a living and where I’m going and how long I’m going for and who I’m visiting with a smile. Meanwhile, two more TSA employees are pulling stuff out of my backpack. I’m like, “This is the absolute worst diversion I’ve ever seen and you guys really need to work on your good cop/bad cops routine, but I’ll play along with it because what the hell else am I gonna do.” Now my “travel backpack” is old as hell. I think I’ve had it since high school. It has a few souvenirs of past trips in it like ticket stubs and tickets and stuff. So they start asking me about my trips to such and such place at such and such point in my life, which are at least like 5 years ago, and I’m answering. At this point, the people who were in line behind me have finished being wanded and have been let go without a patdown. I’m starting to get annoyed, but I’m not showing it.

So I think I’m finally done after nothing incriminating was found in my bag, or so I think. However, the guy who was asking me the questions about my life initially asks to see my wallet and proceeds to pull everything out of it. Now I’m really annoyed, though still not showing it, because he puts everything back it totally not where it’s supposed to go. And since my wallet is over 10 years old and falling apart, there’s a very delicate balance. Plus, it’s my wallet and shit’s supposed to go where it’s supposed to go. He gives an especially long look to a business card for a psychologist. And sure, I get it with the profiling, despite that there is no documented successful profile for terrorists, but wouldn’t it make sense for a future psychologist to have a psychologist’s business card? God forbid I know people in the field. Yes, yes, I know, but still.

So I finally get my wallet back and one of the people who was inspecting my bag asks me one final question. She says, “We saw that you had some money in your bag. Could you tell us what that was for?” Really? OK, for those of you who’ve traveled, wouldn’t it be the most logical thing ever to have some money in your travel backpack? Say I lose my wallet or it gets stolen. Wouldn’t it make sense to have emergency cash? My ATM card is in my wallet. The other reason I keep money in that bag is in case trip expenses exceed what I had budgeted. Like when you have to go to a bachelor party with a bunch of fucking high rollers. (Seriously, fuck you, bachelor parties!). My point is that you’d pretty much have to be a fucking moron NOT to bring some cash with you in a place that isn’t your wallet. So if that’s what bought me about an extra 15 minutes or so, I was pretty pissed off. Although still wasn’t showing it. Although they didn’t go through the bags of the people behind me, so I must have done something else beforehand. Or fit the artist’s rendering of the “School Psychology Kid” who was wanted dead or alive. Anyway, I said, a bit flatly at this point, that the money was for my trip, took my bag and left, a good 25 minutes after I first got to security.

But there’s one last chapter to my not-particularly-interesting tale. When I got to my mom’s house, and opened up my suitcase (Why am I taking a suitcase for 2 ½ days with my mom? Same reason as always. I only have a suitcase and a backpack. I’m short in the luggage department), I could not find my camera for the life of me. Turns out, it and some of the bills I had brought to pay now that I had a free moment, were in pockets of my suitcase in which they certainly hadn’t been before. And it is highly unlikely that the normal movements of the suitcase would have landed them all in those pockets. Apparently, despite my good nature and forthcomingness, they had taken advantage of my 3-hour delay to pull my suitcase and go through it.

So, what exactly can we learn from this relative ordeal? Well, by all means, do not take money on your trip with you. Whatever you do. Taking money out of town is incredibly suspicious. Taking money to places in which you might need to spend it is incredibly suspicious. Preparing for the relative disaster scenario of losing your wallet is incredibly suspicious, ironic since the TSA’s job is to prepare for relative disaster scenarios. Also, shaking when people touch you in places that you’re not usually touched is incredibly suspicious. As is giving a slight grimace when touched by strangers.

So since I’m doing a little profiling of my own, apparently, the ideal traveler for the TSA is one that is highly impractical and incredibly comfortably with their own body and possibly an exhibitionist. So I will leave you with this sage advice, when you’re out there traveling, by all means be as absolutely unprepared as possible and maybe fake an orgasm while you’re being patted down. Say how much you loved being touched and how you only wish the searches were more extensive. You may receive free airfare for life and a national medal of honor.

Have you ever read W.C. Heinz?

2008-05-05T14:21:00.000-05:00

I was a fan. I didn’t understand. You said, “Fuck off!” You wouldn’t shake my hand. You are … such an asshole. You are … such an asshole. You are … such an asshole. So much for rock and roll. Time for Musings!

- Sorry for the short week last week. I hit the road Friday for Maryland for a few days and was planning on putting something together Thursday evening, but wasn’t home. If I’d only brought my computer on the trip, Friday would have been a perfect trip. Between the L stopping dead for 20 minutes, pushing me past my bag check-in time coupled with a 3-hour delay on the flight they gave me afterward, I wound up with 4 ½ extra hours at O’Hare. (Not to mention being detained and searched for 25 minutes by the TSA, which you may get to hear about Wednesday). Seriously, I thought I was going to wind up spending the whole weekend there. It could have been like that shitty Tom Hanks/Steven Spielberg movie where I could have collected the adulation of a whole surrogate family of airport workers with my prodigious optimism and innocence.
- Time for the most painful song lyrics I heard this past week! It’s from a song apparently by Puddle of Mudd, which I know is a huge shocker them winding up here. Anyway, it went: “Back in the days when we were young/When everything was like a loaded gun.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ve heard plenty of bad “loaded gun” similes in my years of listening to music, but it’s pretty much exclusively been used to describe a singular. How precisely can “everything” be like a loaded gun? I guess maybe if he works for Smith & Wesson, there’s a shot, but still a long one. I hadn’t heard the song (it’s apparently called “Psycho”) before and honestly didn’t make it past that lyric before I had to change the station. Back to songwriting workshop for you, not that you probably ever graduated.
- So Friday I was watching Dateline and Chris Hansen was doing a story about a con artist named Gemase Simmons who convinced a group of aspiring models that he was a career supermodel with 17 years experience and was putting on a competitive reality show for a major modeling contract. Of course, Chris Hansen was being a smarmy douche and pretending to care and make himself part of the story, but regardless, is it wrong that I found this absolutely hilarious? I mean sure, these contestants do not deserve unwarranted sexual advances, both the women and men, from Mr. Simmons, but seriously, how in the hell do you not look up the guy who’s claiming to be a 17-year supermodel and is putting on your show. Dateline searched him and found no record of his ever modeling. They said they just wanted to believe it was their big opportunity, but seriously? So if I show up and say I’m a supermodel and I’m starting my own show, apparently people will sign up for it. Does this cross into other industries outside of modeling? I mean, if I show up and say I’m a baseball player and am hosting a show for a contract, chances are someone will make me get on the field and discover that I suck. Same with if I said I were a musician. So does this say more about reality show contestants or modeling? I call it a draw. A hilarious draw.
- So while I was home, I got to check out the new Washington Nationals stadium. Looks pretty good. It reminds me a bit of the White Sox stadium, although I haven’t been to too many stadia in the past bunch of years so my frames of reference outside Chicago and the DC-Baltimore area are a little lacking. Huge props for having stands for a number of local restaurants such as Ben’s Chili Bowl, Red Hot & Blue, 5 Guys, and Hard Times Cafe instead of just generic Aramark or whatever. Anything that really orients you that this is your city instead of just anywhere works for me. Apparently there’s supposed to be cherry trees in the park, but I’m not sure where. Biggest disappointment was the crowd. My mom was actually the first to point it out, but serious SERIOUS golf crowd there. Second biggest disappointment, and I know I mentioned this last year or so, they play fucking “Sweet Caroline” there. And I booed. Not because I really have a problem with the song. Just because that’s Boston’s thing. If DC ever has enough ballpark traditions that Boston rips them off, Boston fans should boo that too.
- I think I mentioned this a couple years ago, but now they do it every instance. Whenever a Nationals player hits a home run, they play “Bustin’ Loose” by DC’s own Chuck Brown, the “Godfather of Go-Go.” (If you don't check out that clip, you're all fired). I declare this to be officially awesome. Like I said before, any time you can incorporate local flavor, that works for me. Also, the song kicks ass.
- Further proof that whoever is in charge of the music at the new Nationals Stadium is my hero. When noted sleazebag indiscriminate sex machine Paul LoDuca comes up to bat, they play “The Stroke” by Billy Squier. There is nothing I could say here that wouldn’t detract from this.
- Maybe I’ve just been through enough DC scandals, but calling a stand in the new stadium “Senators Sausages,” just seems a little off.
- Speaking of, time for Top Chef-ery! Holy exposition, Accidental Tourists! After half the season, Antonia suddenly has kids. And tells them jokes about shit. Literally. And apparently cooking for kids “is real life for her.” (Between that and Nikki “having to fend for herself,” I could have gotten seriously hammered in a drinking game). In addition, Lisa apparently does have a girlfriend, which we kinda suspected, but we appreciate the honesty. The curveball, however, was Richard saying that seeing Antonia work with kids makes him “want to go home and make some babies.” SAY WHAT? Was he just being glib, or is it possible that he’s secretly straight? I never for a moment would have guessed. I think it was the hair. And the clothes. And the puns. Mostly the hair. OK, so that “chef,” Art Smith, apparently Oprah’s personal chef. What a douche that guy was. Is it just me or was that actually Dr. Phil with a glued-on beard? Either that or Oprah apparently has a type. So Dale gave Mark a goodbye of “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!” Dude, he’s from New Zealand. Kinda huge rivals, at least in rugby. Mark was totally right. Colicchio doesn’t like him. Total favorite-player. What was up with Colicchio’s, “Maybe after this is all over, and we run into each other, I hope we could grab a beer – or a pint as you would say.” That may have set a new standard for disingenuity. Maybe he and Art Smith could have a contest. Rock on, rockers!
- Speaking of rugby, since we’re kinda required to bring you any random news on NFL renaissance/journeyman Dhani Jones, here he is playing rugby with an English team. Apparently the British pronounce his name wrong too. It’s “Da-HAHN-ee.” Trust me.
- Enjoying the complete lack of segue, Stereogum posted the first single from the upcoming Wolf Parade album, and given the parade of Wolf Parade fans here, it would be unfortunate not to link it.
- Speaking of, apparently 600,000 people downloaded Coldplay’s new single for free in its first day of availability last Tuesday. In a related story, at least 600,000 people have shitty taste in music.
- Speaking of, so I heard some song by the still massively overrated Usher that went, “I want to make love in this club.” Easy, tiger. I’ll even bypass the irony of using the expression “make love,” but a little modesty might go a long way. In addition, call me repressed, but that kinda sounds unsanitary.
- So David Cross has a stand-up bit about unintentionally ironic t-shirts and go figure that the day after listening to his album, I would see the quintessential. While at the baseball game Saturday, I passed a rather unattractive woman (it’s OK; I am too) wearing a t-shirt that read, “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” First of all, now there’s money well spent. I guess she was saving “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor” for today. Anyway, as irony goes, it’s simply outstanding. Either that or the most acutely self-aware thing I’ve ever seen in the history of time.
- Last week on the L, I saw this dude who totally looked like a pissed-off Andy Richter. I really wanted to take a picture, but he didn’t look like he’d appreciate it much. Then on the DC Metro yesterday I saw this chick who looked just like Lexie from Grey’s Anatomy. Except she was wearing a roller-derby t-shirt, which made me wonder what happened to all her tattoos. Maybe they just aren’t on her arms, or maybe she’s just a fan.
- So I don’t know if this ever happens to you, but I finally wrapped up my intense second semester of school last Thursday, and I’m at a bit of a loss as to how I’m supposed to be feeling. Rather than blissfully relaxed and happy, I’m more just tired than anything else, and have been for the last week. And I’ve had a couple instances where I was pretty moody. I think it probably doesn’t help that thanks to my Starbucks schedule for the next month, I’m actually far less available on weekends than when I was writing term papers. I took a look at it and was like, “Oh my sweet Westley, what have I done?” Anyway, it makes sense rationally that it would take a physical toll, but I’m kinda frustrated with myself.
- Speaking of, so I was having coffee with a friend from college over the weekend, and she offhandedly mentioned something involving my first girlfriend (present day, not then), and I still got a small pang of anxiety. Years and years later. That’s normal, right? Because I was surprised. You just keep telling yourself that.
- Speaking of emotionally stunted, time for Grey’s Anatomy Chat! Well, that was smooth of you, ABC. You use Grey’s to drop the news that Ad-Rock, Come and Rock the Sure Shot mysteriously got renewed. Hey, here’s Addison telling Dr. Webber to fill her position, and then 30 seconds later, it’s a promo for that television catastrophe of over-baby-ness. Ad-Rock wasn’t even a fucking plot device like I expected this week. Just a commercial. By the way, Ad-Rock, brown hair? Those writers must have been pissed off about the strike. I mean, that’s like Laura Prepon dyeing her signature hair blonde. Laura Prepon did dye her hair blonde. Exactly. OK, so is Dr. Hahn supposed to be a lesbian? I guess maybe. I guess that could explain her rejection of McHitler. She did say something to McHitler about preferring guys who were … I forget, I was pre-writers strike. But why would she feel pressure to stay in the closet professionally until she meets Callie? Also, it’s totally not believable that a lesbian would make a public play, or even a private one, for a straight woman. Like I said, those writers must have been really pissed off. What’s the over under on the chances we get a drunken threesome of Hahn, Callie, and McHitler in the season finale? So explain this one to me. It’s supposed to be a big-ass deal that Izzie went and told her patients something SHE SHOULD HAVE TOLD THEM BEFORE? Yes, a 95% chance as opposed to a chance is something worth mentioning. Telling them that does not mean Izzie got her damn groove back. It just means I probably don’t get to drink under the new Grey’s Anatomy Drinking Game rule that you have to drink every time someone does something that should probably get them disbarred and gets away with it. (It was created after she charged the combo of Cheech and his insurance $150,000 worth of superfluous tests in the previous episode. As someone who’s gone to the ER with mysterious stomach pain, even when your insurance gets most of it, a bunch of tests is still a nasty crumpet of a bill). Like I need any more evidence that Shonda and I aren’t watching the same show. However, I will finally give Shonda some credit in that “I’m a big fan of the penis,” has to be one of the lines of the year in any show.
- Time for Senor Beavis’ Fashion Corner! Long necklaces. I mean, seriously long necklaces. Like going down almost to your stomach. Now admittedly, as long as someone doesn’t wear a necklace that is a total color clash with the rest of their outfit or looks like a dog collar, I’ll probably approve. But anyway, these lengthy necklaces can manage to draw attention to your boobs without having to wear anything intentionally boob-emphasizing. In addition, since move-countermove is a social transaction anyway, it gives guys a good way to look at your boobs without appearing outright staringly lecherous. “Hey, I’m just admiring your necklace.” Everybody freaking wins, and how often does that ever happen. UPGRADE!!!!!!
- So apparently, Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested for “boating under the influence” over the weekend in his home state of Texas. I know I really should take this seriously as a crime, since it can lead to the same fatal consequences as drunk driving – just ask Steve Olin (8yearoldsdude, should I tell the Steve Olin story some time?) – but this just strikes me as hilarious. Maybe it’s because Cedric Benson seems like kind of a tool, but I’m totally imagining him dressed up like the Skipper from “Gilligan’s Island,” drunkenly slithering his boat this way and that, and it’s really making me laugh. By the way, someone in law school told me that it’s against the law to ride a horse while drunk, which also sounds hilarious.
- Time for the Official Bend It Major League Baseball Player Dan Uggla Watch! Some day we’ll find it. The Uggla connection. The Ugglas, the dreamers, and me. Another interesting week as our hero hit a grand total of zero singles, yet somehow raised his batting average by going 6-21 with 2 doubles, 4 home runs (!) and RBIs. Meaning he has no Ugglaed his way up to .267 with 10 doubles, 1 triple, 7 homers, 19 RBIs, and 1 stolen base. And he’s heading to Washington this weekend for a series with the Nationals. Man, if Uggla can’t get those clowns out of their seats, I don’t know what will.
- And finally, so I cut the rest of my interview with New York Yankees TV broadcaster Suzyn Waldman (if you’d like to see the rest of it, let me know. It’s a good writing exercise to try to write two sides of an interview and try to be somewhat open-minded) from last Wednesday, but did save this chestnut. When asked about the controversy over her beloved Roger Clemens’ affair for former teenage country singer Mindy McCready, Waldman said, “Of all the dramatic things I’ve ever seen! Roger Clemens is in a 15-year-old’s box!”

Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. ‘Cause I can't do this all on my own. I'm letting go. So give me one more chance to save me from this road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel.

Senor Beavis, that’s not Mindy McCready. I was kinda close, right? Well, I’m sure Mindy McCready’s song, whatever it is, is less hilarious.

Norman Bates' side job

2008-04-30T10:17:00.000-05:00

So I swear I wasn’t planning on writing about hookers today, but all my ideas about Roger Clemens kept bombing. Fortunately, hookers are good at a number of things and one of them is helping fill space.

So apparently Brazilian soccer legend Ronaldo decided to spice up his weekend by picking up a trifecta of hookers. Which in Brazil is perfectly legal. That’s right, Ronaldo’s got a car full of girls and it’s goin’ real swell. Next stop is the Eastside Motel. However, these three were a bit closer to the Three Amigos than the Girls Next Door. Ronaldo discovered that he had absconded with three transvestite hookers. And unlike Eddie Murphy, he wasn’t “giving them a ride home,” unless they live at a Rio de Janeiro motel. Which they conceivably could.

So apparently, Ronaldo tried to bribe the hookers with the equivalent of $600 to keep quiet about the incident. However, one of the hookers, a Andreia Albertini, demanded the equivalent of $30,000 and threatened to post a video on the Internet if not paid. This apparently resulted in Ronaldo calling the 5-0. Man, that sucks.

So here’s my question, which actually has nothing do to with Ronaldo, and would certainly fall into the category of Just One of the Many Things I Don’t Understand. Contrary to the opinions of those who hear me talk, I know very little about the prostitution industry outside of watching a lot of Law and Order: SVU. What exactly does one hope to accomplish as a transvestite prostitute?

I mean, I know the goal is to make money. However, if you’re a transvestite, you can probably get paid for blow jobs just fine, but if a heterosexual pays you to do the wild thing, there’s probably going to be a bit of an issue. I could see a closeted gay man picking up a transvestite to maintain cover. But I can’t see a straight man being too thrilled about this. I wonder if that’s exactly the point. Is it actually more of an extortion racket rather than a sex trade?

I don’t know what the average going hooker rate in Brazil is, but $600 seems like it would probably trump that unless you’re a Triple Diamond girl. And I don’t really see a transvestite pulling off a Triple Diamond identity. So in that case, you get paid more, don’t have to ride the train, and get to run a serious power play on a surprised client. I wonder how much power dynamics factors into it.

However, it would also seem that violence would be a huge part of the job as well. I would imagine that many clients would be pissed off about being “tricked” and would take it out on them physically. I don’t advocate violence, but since they already have your money, that is the most immediate recourse. But that seems like it might factor into the extortion scheme as well, since the assaulted transvestite hooker could press chargers and file a civil suit and either go for the gusto or more likely try to settle to keep details from getting out. Would it be worth it? Not for me, but it’s not my line of work.

So does anyone out there have better conjecture on the motives of the transvestite prostitute than I do? Are the majority actually semi-con artists or are people in it for the good old-fashioned hooker experience. I know there’s apparently a market for damn near anything as far as porn goes. At least that’s what Randy Marsh told me on “South Park.” So am I way off base and it’s just a legitimate niche market? That’s right, it’s Industrial/Organizational Psychology Day here at Bend It.